Age: 30.
Appearance: Wavy hair, pink cheeks, expensive but ugly suit.
"But ugly" or "butt-ugly"? Either works.
Some sort of toff, isn't he? He certainly is, yah – a keen hunter who is No 66 on the Tatler list of "the people who really matter". That's just two places below "slim, tanned and exotic" Pippa Middleton.
Is he famous for the same reason? What do you mean?
His ar – His arrestingly close links to the royal family? Yes, that is part of it. He's a good friend of William and Harry, and organised the royal stag do. But this "very sharp businessman" has also given London's poshos many of their favourite nightclubs.
Anywhere I might have been? Heard of, perhaps: Mahiki, Whisky Mist and Public, where Harry celebrated his 27th birthday. That last one closed in May after complaints from neighbours. Now Pelly has opened a new club in Sloane Square, the Mexican-themed Tonteria.
Where large men slumber under sombreros, waking only to mutter: "Ay, caramba!"? Of course not. That would be a crass parody of the country's rich heritage. Instead, Pelly has installed hammocks, piñatas and a train to carry tequila to your table. Said tequila, by the way, will cost up to £5,000 a bottle.
Is that all you need to do to get into Pass notes nowadays? Open some tacky disco for idiots? Of course not! You also have to make some hilarious remarks that show how narrow your social world is.
Do tell. Interviewed by the listings magazine Time Out, Pelly claimed to "be very passionate about London and its diversity".
Good for him! Then he revealed that although he "loves" the Central line, which serves such well-heeled spots as Holland Park and Bond Street, he has never ventured north or south to Camden and Brixton or even the middle-class enclaves of Primrose Hill and Hampstead.
I'm sure this means an awful lot to our readers outside the south-east. All right, then: it's like living in Edinburgh but never visiting Leith.
I've never been to Edinburgh. Then use your imagination. Or look at a map.
Don't say: "Let's run a tab."
Do say: "Let's do a runner."
