Relationships require a lot of give and take, where both partners need to step up and take responsibility for different things. If one person refuses to shoulder their share of the tasks, then it can lead to the other person feeling hurt and resentful.
This is what happened to a man who constantly had to drive his wife around wherever she wanted to go. She never made the effort to drive herself and expected him to act like a chauffeur. Eventually, he couldn’t take it anymore.
More info: Mumsnet
Sometimes, one person has to take on more responsibility, especially if their partner refuses to help out, which can lead to a lot of bitterness
The man shared that he and his wife were living in a rural area that wasn’t well connected, and that he had to constantly be the one driving, as she didn’t want to
The woman wasn’t comfortable driving in the UK and didn’t know how to handle a manual car, so all the responsibility fell on the poster, who found it quite annoying
The poster was shocked when his wife explained that she wanted to apply for a new job an hour away and expected him to drive her to it daily
Image credits: QuaintSquid
The man felt torn between driving his wife to her job interview and putting his foot down and refusing in order to teach her a lesson
It’s clear that the poster felt irritated by his wife’s refusal to drive herself anywhere. She relied on him to transport her to and fro and never appreciated his effort. This bitterness towards her kept building because no matter how much the man confronted her, she refused to do anything about it. To understand how to deal with such situations, Bored Panda reached out to Heather Thom (RPC).
She has been a breakup recovery counsellor and relationship coach for almost 15 years. Heather is known for helping people navigate some of the most painful experiences in their lives so they can heal from heartbreak and move forward with clarity and confidence. On her YouTube channel, she provides helpful advice and also makes interesting analysis videos.
Heather shared that “suppressing resentment only gives it more power. Get honest with yourself about what’s underneath that feeling. It usually means one of three things:
- You’ve been giving too much without receiving enough;
- You’ve been tolerating behavior that violates your values;
- You haven’t communicated your boundaries, or you have, and they’re being ignored.”
The man had definitely been giving too much of his time and energy to his wife. He’d sometimes have to drive her for an hour and back without even a word of thanks. He did try to coax her to make an effort, but his words fell on deaf ears.
Heather explained that some ways to communicate about resentment could be “speaking up more directly, enforcing clearer boundaries, or even scaling back your effort to match your partner’s.”
“Use ‘I’ statements, not blame. ‘I’ve been feeling unappreciated and it’s been building up, can we talk about how to shift that?’ is miles more effective than ‘You never support me.’ Resentment isn’t fixed by talking about it once; it’s resolved by changing what you tolerate and learning to speak up consistently,” she added.
One of the most difficult things about the man’s situation was that his wife took his time and effort for granted. When she found a new job opportunity, her first thought was that her husband should drive her an hour away for the interview, and possibly do that daily if she got the job. She didn’t once consider how tough that would be on him.
Heather explained that “if you’re constantly compromising your core values to meet your partner’s needs, that’s not love. That’s self-abandonment. The key is to shift from compromise to collaboration. Collaboration means saying, ‘Here’s what’s important to me. What’s important to you? Now, how do we build something that honors both of us?’ It’s not 50/50. It’s 100/100.”
“Two people fully owning their needs and values and creating a life where both can coexist. When you listen like it’s your job, and speak like you’re on the same team, you create a space where needs can be met without resentment because nobody’s betraying themselves in the process,” she shared.
No matter how much the man tried, he didn’t seem to find any common ground with his wife on the driving issue. That’s why he felt that it was important for him to turn down her request to drive her to the interview. Although he felt bad about doing it, he also thought that giving in would keep enabling her.
An important point Heather Thom mentioned is that “resentment is a quiet soul-crusher. It doesn’t scream, it simmers. Over time, it can eat away at the love, the joy, and the spark that once made the relationship feel like home. If you’ve reached a point where the resentment feels bigger than the connection, it’s not your job to keep pouring into something that keeps draining you.”
“Breakups hurt, but staying stuck in chronic resentment? That’s a deeper ache that doesn’t go away. You deserve a love that nourishes, not depletes. Sometimes the most loving, life-affirming choice you can make is to walk away, not because you don’t care, but because you finally do,” she added.
Although the man may not divorce his wife over her lack of driving, he might give up on transporting her everywhere like he did. Setting such a boundary might reduce his resentment toward her and force her to take on more responsibility.
Do you think the man should drive his partner to her interview? What would you have done in such a situation? Let us know in the comments.
Folks sided with the poster, and some offered suggestions on how the woman could begin driving again
