Name: Grimsby
Age: Possibly settled by Danes in the ninth century, but old in any case.
Appearance: Deprived, degraded, disgusting.
Really? No, it's actually a charming, post-industrial port town with something for everyone.
Which is the true Grimsby? I've never been, to be honest. It depends on who you ask.
Well, then – who is the leading proponent of the former view? Sacha Baron Cohen.
You mean Borat? And Ali G, Bruno, and that guy from Les Mis. Him.
What's he got against Grimsby? His latest film is set there. Grimsby – for so it is titled – is a spy spoof about a secret agent forced to go into hiding with his football hooligan brother. Baron Cohen plays the northern hooligan.
And he's chosen to give the town a "warts and all" portrayal? It's more of a "just the warts" portrayal. Pictures from the set show rubbish-strewn streets, shuttered shopfronts and drunks staggering about like zombies. "They made Grimsby out to be a terrible and dirty place to live," a resident told the Grimsby Telegraph. "It's not on."
In the past Baron Cohen has managed to traduce the entire nation of Kazakhstan, and insult large parts of the US. Isn't Grimsby a soft target? To be fair, he's pissing off the people of Tilbury in Essex as well.
How? By filming his hellish version of Grimsby there instead. "People are now saying this is what the future will be like for the town," said one Tilburian, "and they are annoyed."
So Grimsby wasn't grim enough to play Grimsby. That should cheer up the Grimbarians, at least. It hasn't. "Why are they not filming it in Grimsby?" said one. "That way they would be putting money into the area."
Honestly, there's no pleasing some people. Not everyone seems to have cottoned on to the notion that the film is set in 1980s Grimsby, and is not actually meant to serve as a direct affront to either the Grimsby or Tilbury of today.
Do say: "Don't worry, the film co-stars Penelope Cruz, who will bring some much-needed glamour to Grimsby, albeit in Tilbury."
Don't say: "Cheer up – it might not even be that funny."
