ALMOST THERE
If somebody hasn’t already bulk-ordered a few thousand “VINNY DON’T SHOOT” t-shirts for Sunday, or whenever Manchester City arrange their open-top bus parade, then consider this a helpful reminder and The Fiver awaits its 15%. Great goals are worth celebrating simply for what they are, your neutral tea-timely newsletter learned on Monday night – especially when they are glorious, out-of-the-blue fireballs roaring from the mouth of a team, drilled to the finest detail, that usually breathes clean ice.
Yes, goals that might just decide a nail-biting, knife-edge occasion are worth celebrating! Aren’t they? Apparently not if you’re Luis Suárez. After sticking one in at the Camp Nou last week against his old friends from Liverpool, he ran off in jubilation at putting Barcelona ahead in a Big Cup semi-final. So morally reprehensible was Suárez that even José Mourinho was quoted as saying he loved it; the cries of #disrespect and #traitor tumbled out on assorted social media disgraces, if not among the fans in the actual away end, and expressing pleasure is not a mistake he will make on this European Night At Anfield.
“Obviously it is clear that, if I score a goal against Liverpool, I won’t celebrate it in the same way I didn’t celebrate in Holland when I scored [for Ajax against Groningen],” slurped Suárez. Well, obviously. Perhaps it would be worth eliminating the risk of online backlash. Suárez probably doesn’t need to score at Anfield, not with a three-goal cushion and two-thirds of Liverpool’s attack sidelined. He can roll back the years by exchanging glares with Daniel Sturridge, safe in the knowledge that neither the hosts’ fourth-choice forward nor their fifth – even if the latter is Newcastle slayer Divock Origi – have too much chance of clawing things back, barring a miracle of Istanbul-esque proportions.
Jürgen Klopp hopes that at least one of them will score and that Liverpool can, if nothing else, “fail beautifully” – in which case there presumably wouldn’t be any over-celebrations of their goals, either. Kompany’s rip-roarer means Liverpool’s entire season could yet end up the most beautiful failure of all, although the very use of that word invites the idea that they actually did fail at something, which doesn’t really feel true. It’s a very niche kind of ‘bottling’ when your rivals’ veteran centre-back pings one into the top bin from over 25 yards with his first long-range shot on target since 1993. “I think people know all the work I did here and that I am thankful for Liverpool,” Suárez chirped. He had his own beautiful failure at Liverpool. The Fiver can only pray Tuesday’s probably quite routine success passes off as demurely as the goal festivity police might wish.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Barry Glendenning from 8pm BST for Big Cup MBM coverage of Liverpool 2-1 Barcelona (agg: 2-4).
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’m a little nervous, much more than I am before a game, but I have called everyone here to inform you that these are my final days at the club. It feels painful to say goodbye, but I leave with my head held high after giving everything every day” – Diego Godín confirms that his days at Atlético Madrid are numbered.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Here’s the latest Football Weekly podcast. And Football Weekly Live is only coming back to Lahn on 10 May. Ticket details here.
FIVER LETTERS
“I like watching Phil Jones play (Fiver passim). Then again, I like watching anyone frenetically battling to keep on top of their limited talent for the job in hand, with hilarious results. Much like this. Bonus ‘gosh my cultural references are ancient’ points for naming the drummer in the beige sweater” – Jon Millard.
“What do you do if you took over a new team earlier this year and initially thought they were doing well but it turns out they were just lucky and now, whether you praise them, defend them, hammer them or threaten them with being kicked out of the company, they are just strolling around, failing abysmally? Asking for a (Norwegian) friend” – Noble Francis.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Jon Millard.
BITS AND BOBS
A former referee who donned a Mexican wrestling mask and invaded the pitch during a game in Canberra, Australia, and brandished a red card at the actual referee, has unsurprisingly been given a flamin’ 10-year ban.
In a bid to avoid honking calamities like allowing Aaron Ramsey to walk for nothing and being tied to Mesut Özil like a student being drunkenly handcuffed to a railing, Arsenal are bringing in former midfielder Edu as their new technical director.
Before their play-off semi-final against Nasty Leeds, Frank Lampard, of Frank Lampard’s Derby County, insists he isn’t fussed about that time Marcelo Bielsa sent a bloke with a false moustache wearing a mac and a trilby to spy on training.
Neil Warnock is welcome to stick around as Cardiff manager despite relegation, according to owner Vincent Tan. “I am happy for Neil to stay and achieve his ninth promotion,” Tan roared.
And Franck Ribéry, 76, may be climbing aboard the Do One Express from Bayern Munich, but he will keep playing. “There are several options, but it is still a bit early to say what will happen next season,” he tooted.
STILL WANT MORE?
Sachin Nakrani picks his Premier League under the radar XI for the season.
Vincent Kompany is City’s man for all seasons, but will he stay for another, ponders Jamie Jackson.
Mauricio Pochettino is using a semi-final triumph from 1992 as inspiration for Spurs’ Big Cup assignment against Ajax, writes David Hytner.
Sid Lowe on La Liga’s scrap for survival.
Atalanta are trying to follow the Ajax model all the way to Big Cup, writes Paolo Bandini.
Eintracht Frankfurt’s ‘dream season’ is all going a bit wrong, explains Andy Brassell.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
