It was a brave decision to call a new restaurant Plane Food. As puns go it's pretty straightforward, and if the food was indeed plain, the name would write the review.
The first to review it, however, hasn't gone down that route. The former Telegraph critic Jan Moir's judgment on Ramsay's restaurant at Heathrow's Terminal 5 is so damning, plain food might risk sounding like an endorsement.
"There is more wrong with Plane Food than there is right about it. The food offering is simply not good enough to tempt First and Business class passengers out of their exclusive lounges. At £19 for a ribeye steak (chips £2.95 extra) and £18 for a small strip of sea bass, it is way too expensive for budget travellers."
There's "undersized cutlery" (maybe Jan's just big-boned?) and there's "blocky little tables" (or is she long of leg?). The restaurant has nothing short of a "deep operational malaise".
But hold on Gordon, don't reach for the steak knife yet. Moir acknowledges a mitigating factor: "No naked flames are allowed on site. This means no gas. All the food must be cooked with dull, biddable electricity and even Gordon Ramsay's sorcery cannot save, for example, a Casterbridge ribeye steak with red wine shallot butter prepared in this manner. It is impossible."
The result? "The surface of the steak ... [is] like a parched leather shoe rotting in the rain."
Gosh. I reckon the steak at the themed Irish pub next door would only resemble leather, not the rot and rain bit too.
"The problem with Plane Food is that it is a little too close to plane food for comfort," Moir concludes.
£70 for a meal for two would also buy you some plane tickets. A Caffe Nero muffin while you plan another trip abroad seems to be the better buy.
