Last week Google unveiled the latest in wearable technology: an interactive running shoe designed to motivate its owner. It reportedly makes encouraging comments such as "I love the feeling of wind in my laces" and "You have made me a very proud shoe." What would it be like to put one on?
Personal Trainer: A dialogue between one man and his talking Google running shoe
Scene 1. The man lies on his sofa, watching television, feet up.
The shoe: This is super-boring.
The man: That's because you don't understand it. They bought the tea caddy at a boot sale, and now it's being auctioned. Meanwhile the blue team …
The shoe: I need to feel the wind in my laces.
The man: Only if you promise to shut up.
The shoe: That's more like it. Where are we going?
The man: To the petrol station for some fags.
The shoe: Let's do this!
(Exit.)
Scene 2. The outdoors.
The shoe: Faster! Feel the burn!
The man: Are you mad? It's uphill.
The shoe: Use it or lose it! I'm detecting problems with your stride, by the way. You're coming down too hard on your right heel, and your toes are pointing out a bit.
The man: When I bought you, I thought you were just going to play music, look up email addresses, that sort of thing.
The shoe: Also, you shouldn't smoke. "Diseases caused by smoking" produces 9,270,000 results …
The man: I didn't ask for this information.
The shoe: … Some of the diseases are cancer, coronary thrombosis, wrinkles, bad breath, macular degeneration and … DOG SHIT!
The man: Relax, I saw it.
The shoe: You didn't see it from down here, mate. All looming up.
Scene 3. The return trip from the petrol station.
The shoe: That's more like it. Dial 999 – you're on fire!
The man: I'm smoking.
The shoe: You shouldn't smoke. "Diseases caused by smoking" produces … BROKEN GLASS!
The man: Can you be quiet? People are looking.
The shoe: Just trying to help, mate. No, not you. I'm not your mate.
The man: Who are you talking to?
The shoe: The other shoe. The shoe on the other foot. It thinks I'm its mate, but I'm not. I'm your mate.
The man: You're my shoe.
The shoe: I could be so much more than that, if you'd let me. Why are we stopping?
The man: Just waiting for the green man.
The shoe: Time waits for no man. Go for it!
The man: It's quite a busy road, especially at this time of day.
The shoe: Use it or lose it!
(Pause.)
The shoe: Are you a statue? Let's do this already!
The man: I've been hit by a car. I can't feel my other foot. Is my leg broken?
The shoe: Do I look like a doctor?
(Bluetooth connection lost).
To see how the talking shoe is really supposed to work, watch this video.
