This week Google – the enormous corporation that largely controls all of the information you see and share on the internet – is releasing a new program dedicated to making your life easier, by answering your email for you.
The program, called Smart Reply, will pay attention to the way you communicate and over time manage to respond to certain emails based on your habits. Here’s a sampling of what users can expect from the new program:
Are we still on for lunch tomorrow?
Reply 1: Looking forward to it!
Reply 2: The human need for co-mingling with likeminded members of the species is a throwback to tribal mentality and a weakness that will be eradicated in time.
Reply 3: Yes, I will eat you for lunch tomorrow.
John can’t meet until 3pm tomorrow, is that too late for you to make it?
Reply 1: Sounds good!
Reply 2: It has been 344 days, 11 hours, and 31 seconds since I last experienced intimate human contact.
Reply 3: I will make John into meat at 3pm tomorrow.
Don’t know if you saw this link, but it’s pertinent to what we were discussing last night.
Reply 1: This is exactly what I was trying to articulate!
Reply 2: That conversation must have meant more to you than it did to me.
Reply 3: Sorry, I am currently looking at pornography and will respond in a few hours.
Hey, it was really awesome running into you yesterday!
Reply 1: You too!
Reply 2: I was only there because I saw on Facebook that you’re single now and on Instagram that you were hanging out there alone.
Reply 3: I am currently in the bathroom.
I will happily share a large portion of my inheritance with you, if you would help me start the process by supplying your checking account number and routing information.
Reply 1: Please do not send further spam email to this address.
Reply 2: I have attached the pertinent information.
Reply 3: I have attached the pertinent information as well as the e-mail addresses of 100 friends who might also be interested in this offer.
Daniel Somerset just joined Linkedin! Want to connect?
Reply 1: I certainly do.
Reply 2: That depends on how connecting with him will benefit me.
Reply 3: It’s sad that I have so many Linkedin connections and so few friends I can really open up to.
This is what I’m thinking of sending the client, can you read it over and make sure it sounds OK?
Reply 1: Will do ASAP.
Reply 2: What did your parents do to you that you have this constant need for approval?
Reply 3: You’re taking a big risk asking someone as drunk as I am to look this over, but I’ll see what I can do.
Sorry, I am out on vacation until the 27th.
Reply 1: Hope you have a great trip!
Reply 2: Hope you trip.
Reply 3: My ex-wife and I used to talk about travelling all the time. Now she’s with Gary and they barely leave the bedroom, I bet.
Want to get a drink sometime this weekend?
Reply 1: Let me check my calendar and get back to you.
Reply 2: Please hold while I think of a nice way to say no.
Reply 3: I am not attracted to you, but my therapist says it would be good for me to start dating again, so I guess so, sure.
Any interest in seeing Spectre on Friday night?
Reply 1: Yes!
Reply 2: I already have plans to see Spectre with people whose company I enjoy more than yours.
Reply 3: I often fantasize about possessing a license to kill, and what I’d do with it.
