“Hello, Glastonbury!” Imagine being a pop personality and imagine saying those words. Imagine saying them at the Glastonbury festival for optimum effect, obviously, but imagine saying them anywhere for a frisson of what it must be like to be Thom Yorke. Emerging from a public lavatory: “HELLO, GLASTONBURY!” At the petrol station: “Which pump, sir?” “HELLO, GLASTONBURY!” Lifting the lid on a wheelie bin in an attempt to locate an item supposedly delivered by Yodel: “HELLO, GLASTONBURY!” It just works.
But it’s not working for Michael Eavis, who has decided to rename the festival when it moves site in a couple of years. The logic may be that you can’t call a festival Glastonbury if it’s not actually in Glastonbury, but people would surely get the idea. The Reading festival isn’t called Car Park With a Fence Round It festival and people still find it. But the decision has been made.
“The Variety Bazaar.” Those are the three words Eavis has chosen to go with. When unveiling that name on the radio this week, Eavis followed it with: “It’s a good name, don’t you think?”
Well, Michael. What to think? How about this: no. “Hello, the Variety Bazaar!” is just not going to work, is it? Quite apart from the fact that it’s a name that can only attract yet more jugglers, there is just one act for whom it would make sense to bellow “HELLO, THE VARIETY BAZAAR!” at a field full of people. That act is Kula Shaker, and you would not want to watch Kula Shaker in any field other than one rumoured to contain a brewing sinkhole.
As for the location? “One hundred miles up towards the Midlands,” is the only clue from Eavis. Some scientific research suggests we could be looking at a journey to West Bromwich next June. That said, start off in the direction of the Midlands from Glastonbury, turn right, and London is about 100 miles away. Michael, what do you say to the idea of turfing over an area of north London and calling the thing Camdenbury? #camdo is a great hashtag. Michael, are you still there? It’s a good idea, don’t you think?
