Such a long journey... the Beautiful South, in marginally happier days
The nation will doubtlessly have choked on their cornflakes yesterday morning at the shocking news that the Beautiful South have decided to go their separate ways, archly citing "musical similarities" as the reason for the split. For most of us, the only shocking thing about this news was the fact that the Beautiful South hadn't broken up years ago. Furthermore, the really disappointing aspect of the announcement was that the band had decided to bow out in such an amicable fashion. This is not how it should be. When it comes to bands splitting up, we have every right to demand the full complement of blood, brains, balls and teeth.
The Beatles are often mentioned as the classic example of a band separating acrimoniously. In reality, their break-up was nothing to write home about, amounting to little more than a few writs flying about and Lennon having a pop at McCartney in the song How Do You Sleep.
Genuinely nasty musical divorces are actually something of a rarity, but there have been the occasional high-octane separation. Fleetwood Mac conclusively proved that a parting of the ways was bound to be fraught when cocaine dementia led to band members swapping partners. Black Sabbath discovered that an effective way of ensuring a hostile break-up was to regularly set fire to your bass player (Bill Ward) and wait for him to go mental. Members of the Teardrop Explodes decided to call it a day when they found themselves being chased through a forest by an acid-tripping, pistol-wielding Julian Cope. In recent years, it's been left to Pete Doherty to show that divorce court acrimony is assured if you burgle your guitarist's flat and spunk the proceeds on crack. Mark E Smith has ably demonstrated that it's possible to break up a band on a near-monthly basis so long as you get into the habit of beating seven shades out of your musicians whilst on stage.
However, it's the Scandinavians who do it best. Take the case of the appropriately named Norwegian black metal band, Mayhem. Their music might not have been memorable, but the manner of their break-up certainly was. In 1991, lead vocalist Dead committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. The remainder of the band marked the sorrowful occasion by making necklaces out of his skull fragments, then reportedly cooking and eating pieces of his brain. As if all this wasn't noteworthy enough, their bassist Count Grishnackh then stabbed their guitarist Euronymous to death. Now that's what I call a break-up. If only John Lennon had opted to eat Paul McCartney's brain. That would have shown him who was boss.
