In response to the letter “Adoption process is unduly negative” (17 December) I would argue that the experience of adopters until recently, including myself, has been that the inherent difficulties that most adoptive families face are glossed over and minimised to the point that many adoptive parents simply have no idea what they have let themselves in for.
Adopters don’t ignore the positive aspects of adopting, the main one being that most of us get to be parents when this would not have happened otherwise, and the chance to parent children who need a loving family. However, the majority of adopters face a range of problems that they are often poorly prepared for, including behavioural issues, educational problems, trauma, emerging disabilities, and attachment disorder. Support services have improved in recent years but still have a way to go before they are adequate for purpose across the board.
As for testing our resolve, I see this as a positive. For many adopters, day-to-day life requires a level of resolve that we never thought we had or would need as we parent some of the most damaged and needy children in our society.
I would never regret adopting for one moment, but I would also say that not telling adopters what the process and aftermath is really like is setting adoptive families up to suffer and possibly even fail.
Janet Kay
Sheffield
• Your correspondent may have a great deal of experience of the adoptive process. But I suspect he or she has none of the reality of adoptive parenthood. I am one such parent, with adopted children now aged 29 and 25, so I think I can offer the counter view.
It is absolutely right that adoption should be described as a process full of negatives, because that is exactly what it is. Adoption is the product of a broken society, and unless potential adopters are fully prepared for the maelstrom to come, not only will many more adoptions fail, but the lives of the unprepared adopters will be irrevocably harmed.
My husband and I have survived – just. It has taken perseverance, money (yes, adoption is not for those on limited income), many tears, fear, frustration, exhaustion, huge stress, and, above all, a rock solid marriage.
And, in spite of the numerous promises, there is very little professional help out there. We were never given any.
If you don’t think you can step up to this plate, it’s probably best not to start. I would not recommend it to any young infertile couples (or singles) now.
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