If we don’t stop global warming soon, then we’ll be passing the buck to our children. And that’s a terrifying prospect – especially for the children.
But what if you’re like me and don’t have kids, like the toddler screaming on my flight right now because he can’t play Nintendo DS? What’s to incentivize us not to pollute the environment with impunity and in extremely fun ways, like driving huge SUVs bought with tons of disposable income?
After spending $9 of my disposable income for Internet access on this plane, I discovered a reason for us childless folks to actually get invested in the fight against global warming: it’s killing cats!
My name is Pat Sheehan. My cat’s name is Cat Sheehan, and he’s a wittle, itty-bitty stinker-pants, but I love him anyway. In fact, I love him so much I even used a narcissistic pun to name him.
We live together in Los Angeles, where the summers don’t seem to end and the only thing that helps beat the heat is the lovely pairing of air conditioning and nudity. I couldn’t imagine having to wear a thick fur jacket around the house all the time like Cat Sheehan does – or worse, having to wear pants. I’m guessing Cat Sheehan agrees because he always gives me the most jealous little look when I nude up in front of him.
Thanks to global warming, Cat Sheehan now has an increased risk of heat stroke. Cats can only release heat by panting and through the pads on the bottom of their paws, so if a kitty’s internal body temperature reaches between 101F-105F degrees, then it must be cooled off or face serious consequences – even death. Unfortunately for Cat Sheehan, the only way to check to see if he’s overheating is with a rectal thermometer.
To make matters worse for Cat Sheehan, feral felines are multiplying more because cat breeding is seasonal, and they get really turned on when it’s not winter. So Cat Sheehan not only has to watch me walk around the house naked while he’s overheating and getting the rectal thermometer; he also has to listen to cats that still have working genitals make whoopee in our back yard. All the time.
Also, Cat Sheehan has fewer flowers to bat around with his little paws because the bees that pollinate them aren’t flying at the same time they open, thanks to global warming. It all makes him very sad, methinks.
Then there’s California’s current drought. There’s less water for pets like Cat Sheehan, and that’s not cool with him. He loves to get his drink on. So what if all the water runs out? I mean, I couldn’t, in good conscience, let him drink more than two or three thimbles of my pinot grigio per day.
In many ways, cats are superior mammals to us humans. Their offspring don’t scream on airplanes for not being able to play Nintendo DS. But as resilient as cats are, they’re going to need our help to win this battle. If we don’t turn this thing around, then increasingly more housecats will overheat, more feral cats will have to be euthanized and there will be fewer flowers for them to bat around.
So let’s go, fellow cat people! It’s time to change the planet for your own personal Cat Sheehan, whatever he or she may be named.
Pat Sheehan is a television writer and producer living in Los Angeles.
