Name: Glaswegian Cockney.
Age: It's been around for at least a decade, probably longer.
Appearance: It's a sound, not a sight.
Then can you please describe what it sounds like? Like a typical Glaswegian accent that has been infiltrated by certain telltale cockney speech patterns.
Ah, thanks for that. It's nae bovver.
What? That's just an example – where the "Th" sound in bother is pronounced as a "V". Other changes include an "F" sound at the end of "tooth", dropped Rs, and a way of pronouncing "people" so it comes out "peepow".
Why are they doing it? Are Glaswegians trying to make themselves harder to understand? They're not doing it on purpose. They're getting it from television.
I watch television, and it's not happening to me, bruv. It's not just any television. According to the authors of a study published in the American journal Language, the effect was most prominent in "people who had strong psychological engagement with characters in EastEnders".
If you're really psychologically engaged with someone off EastEnders, a funny accent is probably the least of your problems. Apparently emotional involvement is the key. "Linguists used to think TV couldn't change the way we speak because you don't interact with people on TV," said Jane Stuart-Smith, professor of phonetics at the University of Glasgow.
So getting caught up in the misadventures of Dirty Den, Nasty Nick, Pat Butcher, Tiff, Grant Mitchell, Robbie, Ricky and Dr Legg is what turns you Cockney. When was the last time you watched EastEnders?
Ages ago. I was starting to get worried about my glottal stops. Don't worry – actual social interaction between peers still has a much stronger effect than telly.
Is Sharon still on it? Yes. Yes, she is.
Good. Ye canny have Eastenders wi'out Sharon in it, innit. Sorry, mate – not a word.
Do say: "They used to claim watching Neighbours would make us all talk like Australians, and that turned out to be total nonsense?"
Don't say: "No, I mean I want some actual apples and pears. Don't you people ever eat any fruit?"
