Max Beerbohm loved staying in station hotels, although he had no intention of going anywhere himself.
“All that movement, all that going about” he found sedative. “In all that transitoriness, by virtue of the fact that you are not travelling, you are not running about, well, you get a sense of immobility, of staying put, of tranquillity. Oh yes, I loved dearly to stay at station hotels”.
This is just the spirit in which to approach all the surrogate journey and vicarious noshing shows that fill our screens, all those hikes, road trips and train journeys, so many people bustling about, meeting the locals, knocking up iconic dishes and generally tiring themselves out, all on our behalf, for us to watch from our sofas, prostrated, floppy, drifting in and out of consciousness, vaguely interested at best.
Neapolitan wideboy Gino D’Acampo has contributed greatly to this format already, most recently with Gordon, Gino and Fred’s Road Trip, in which he stripped off in St Tropez and had to be pixelated. Now he’s off again, this time back to Italy, by train!
Tonight he starts off from France, heading towards Turin, “on one of the moz spektakoolar tren journees inna wold”. No doubt, when he’s not performing, when he’s recovering at home, his accent’s nothing like so fruity. Probably pure toffee, a bit like Jacob Rees-Mogg. For keeping this caricature up, day in day out, for the nearly 25 years he’s lived in Britain, would surely be too demanding for the human frame.
First stop is the town of Cuneo in Piedmont, home to two of his favourite things, Nutella and Barolo wine. Here, for reasons that never quite become clear, he trails around after a local doctor with scary teeth who visits his patients on horseback.
“They worship the Barolo wine like a god with healing powers”, Gino says, while Zadok The Priest blasts away on the soundtrack. Then he hastily knocks up a chocolate cheesecake (biscuits, butter, cream cheese, sugar, chocolate spread), claiming this to be “just what the doctor ordered!” Perhaps for those patients the doctor wishes to see not one day longer.
Then Gino arrives in Turin, also famous for two things, this time “being the headquarters of Fiat and the setting of The Italian Job”. So he is driven around in a vintage Fiat 500 and then has a go himself on a race track on top of th Fiat factory, before dishing up porky pasta, with more mascarpone chucked in.
Gino is emphatically appreciative, both of all he sees and indeed of his own contribution to it, within the confines of a limited vocabulary. That train journey? “The view is insane!” The modernistic Fiat factory? “This is insane, the way they designed this!” Driving the car? “This is insane, it’s like driving a tin of tuna!” Gino also regularly uses the word “awesome”, though — and he keeps “stupendo” in reserve for emergencies.
It’s the sheer energy you marvel at. Since arriving here in 1995, and suffering the setback of being jailed for two years after burgling the house of pop star Paul Young, Gino’s achieved so much. So many TV shows, so many books (starting with 2007’s Fantastico!, followed by 2008’s Buonissimo!). So many restaurants opened (12 at the latest count, modestly named Gino D’Acampo — My Restaurant). So many product lines, including a range for Iceland (Gino My Nonno’s Cannelloni, £3). Not to mention being crowned King of the Jungle in the 2009 I’m A Celebrity ... Get Me Out Of Here!
All that movement, all that going about! So many exclamation marks! What an aid to staying put, what a gift of tranquillity, for everybody else. Mille grazie, Gino!
Gino's Italian Express is on ITV at 8.30pm on November 21.
