Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg has waded into the shark-infested waters of baby-rearing with his critique of Gina Ford's famously strict Contented Little Baby Book routines, calling them "absolute nonsense". While it may not be wise to potentially alienate 50% of your mostly female voting base (mothers tend to be very fight-you-to-the-death pro or anti Gina), it is nice to hear Clegg sounding like a human being rather than a politico-bot (who would be more likely to announce that whatever childcare method was best for hardworking British families would become law in the next parliament). But could Gina's prescriptive methods work for our rabble of MPs? Let's see.
6.45am Wake up. MP should have something to drink that fulfils all his/her nutritional needs (Old Labour: stout; New Labour: pinot grigio; Lib Dems: tea, weak, one sugar, no – two, no – one; Tories: swan juice). When MP dramatically splutters it out by being incensed by John Humphrys/Polly Toynbee/ Melanie Phillips, patiently give your MP their drink again.
7am Toilet MP. Try to remove as much matter from the bottom end as possible to stop it accidentally coming out of MP's mouth later, in front of a journalist.
9.30am Put MP down to sleep in a quiet, unstimulating environment. The EU agricultural legislative parliamentary sub-committee should do it.
12pm Playtime. Encourage MP to make noise and wave his arms and legs by gesticulating wildly for the television cameras during Prime Minister's Questions.
1pm Time for MP's bottle. A taxpayer-subsided Commons-bar 2004 Rioja is probably best, to ensure a healthy afternoon's rest.
6pm MPs require consistency and security to feel safe and comfortable. This is why you should ensure they have identical 42in screen televisions in both of their houses, as well as a taxpayer-funded John Lewis bed to ensure the best chance of a full night of unbroken sleep. Co- sleeping with secretaries, teenagers or young men met while out walking dogs in the park is not recommended, but can be used occasionally if MP is feeling under strain and needs comforting.
Do not worry at any point if MP starts to fret and fuss. This is just what MPs do. It does not mean anything is wrong. It is how they interact with the world and try to make their needs and feelings understood. Do not encourage MP to fuss by taking notice of his cries; instead, calmly and firmly reassure them that actually, the less trouble and commotion he/she makes for you, the voter, the more contented everyone will be.
Give MP something shiny and fun to play with, eg the BBC, or saving fictional soap opera characters from going to prison. On no account let MP play with anything dangerous, or sharp. NB: soldiers are not age-appropriate toys.
