Usually it’s obvious what to review; there’s something new or interesting or maybe a big show coming to an end. But on Thursday, not so much. The third and final part of Channel 4’s Married At First Sight wasn’t available (I see things in advance, in order to meet old-school print deadlines). My guess is that it might even have worked out for Jason and Kate, who clearly couldn’t wait to get their paws on each other at the end of the last show, but Emma and James less so, and I’m not hopeful for them.
Also unavailable: Channel 4’s intriguing Dogs on the Dole. I just hope George Osborne was watching so he can target the scrounge hounds first, before children and the elderly. And I’ve had it with BBC2’s Coast – they’ve been around so many times now, I know every headland and cove, I’m starting to recognise individual rocks. I’m dizzy, seasick, longing for a bit of Inland.
Which leaves Ghost Bear Family: Natural World (BBC2). I can’t pretend I’m not disappointed that the ghost bears aren’t actual ghosts, the spirits of unhappy dead bears, maybe shot by rednecks, returning to haunt, and do spooky shits in, the woods. They are in fact white black bears, black bears that through a quirk of genetics are white. Dolezal bears, as they’ve also recently become known. Hey, it’s not about the colour of their fur, it’s about who they feel they are inside.
Anyway, a man called Jeff Turner is off, with his family, to film a female ghost bear and her two (black) cubs. Canadian Jeff isn’t un-ursine himself. It’s a thing with wildlife filmmakers, like the thing with dog owners and their dogs. Jacques Cousteau looked like a herring, remember?
Jeff the bear-like filmmaker came here with his family to film once before, 25 years ago, when his daughter Chelsea was a mere cub herself. The Turners and the bears got close and shared special moments, as well as the same great big green temperate toilet. Now Chelsea’s all grown up, but has not entirely flown the nest (or the bear equivalent, lolloped the den). She’s back again too, helping dad out.
Dropping in on old family friends gives the film a little extra narrative. A programme like this is often improved when it’s not just about the wildlife, it’s about the interface between wildlife and people. But in this case that brings another problem, a problem with all films about bears and people, and that’s that it isn’t Werner Herzog’s 2005 extraordinary film Grizzly Man.
Remember Grizzly Man, about Timothy Treadwell, who went to live with bears and pretty much thought he was a bear, until he found himself inside one? Jeff, on the other hand, filmed bears, twice. It doesn’t compare, even if he brought Chelsea back with him. And Jeff is neither Werner nor Tim. He’s sane, uneccentric, respectful, responsible, a family man. I’m not saying that makes him boring … but, well, he is, a little. What’s that you’re saying Jeff? Porous bedrock, is it?
It’s pretty, of course – the Great Bear Rainforest in western Canada has lovely scenery, waterfalls, cute cubs. It’s also very familiar and I think I know what’s going to happen. Here they come, a million salmon-a-leaping, up the rivers, some of whom end up, to their salmony surprise, like Timothy Treadwell, inside the bears. The fact that one of the bears is white, not black, or brown, doesn’t really make it so different from all the other bear films that aren’t Grizzly Man.
Even Jeff seems to realise this as he takes us down to the shore (Coast!) for some non-bear action. Scavenging wolves (most probably on Canadian welfare), whales, sea lions, guillemots, a whirlpool of herrings. Ah yes, the old bait ball. That’s another thing about wildlife filmmakers. I think they now have a secret agreement, like their own little in-joke, that they all have to get a bait ball into every single one of their films, regardless of what it’s about. Respect to the first to get one into a film about meerkats.
Summer’s over and it’s time for Jeff and his family to pack up and leave. He’s full of admiration for his lady ghost bear. “I’ve really been impressed by how well she’s done for herself and her family,” he says. “She’s a committed mother who’ll do what it takes to provide for her cubs and keep them safe.” Yeah yeah, good family values, morally sound, all that. Now it’s hibernation time, for everyone. Zzzzz.
