Theatre critics have it easy, and it behoves us to step back and acknowledge that fact: excellent seats obtained for free, a programme offered similarly gratis and, more often than not these days, complimentary interval drinks - a tradition one would never find amid the on-the-job puritanism of the New York theatrical community.
But one thing critics share with all theatregoers is the essential fact that they need to get to the venue, since one perk the profession doesn't stretch to is a chartered limo to ease the journey. As I made my lengthy, elaborate way last week to two destinations, one of which remained out of reach, I had to ask myself how many shows justify the efforts involved these days in getting there, especially for audiences who then have to fork out copious amounts of dosh upon arrival?
The thorn in the side of my particular journeys of late was inevitably the tube strike in London, which most dramatically affected the very tube lines I needed most. So it was that I joined the throngs striding westward the other night from Bloomsbury along Oxford Circus and eventually to Notting Hill: a walk that took almost as much time as the show I was seeing: a punishing, rather over-directed Swiss play at the Gate Theatre called The Sexual Neuroses Of Our Parents. I'd have been better off, quite frankly, calling it a day (or, more accurately, a night) and flopping out in front of the telly.
Then came the necessity to get to Stratford-upon-Avon for Neil Bartlett's new Twelfth Night, a trip which in turn necessitated my getting to Shepherd's Bush so as to catch a ride to Warwickshire with a friend from there. Nearly two hours by bus later, as normal bus journeys turned into a gladiatorial joust, I got to London W12 - only to find, once we were on our way, that a single wrong turn coupled with inordinately heavy traffic precluded all possibility of reaching the theatre on time. By way of compensation, we fell gratefully into the Tricycle Theatre cafe in good time for their press night performance of Sebastian Barry's The Pride of Parnell Street, where some top-class acting ended an anxiety-provoking day on an up.
If you think getting out of London is difficult, try getting into it: one friend who used to work in Harlow routinely had to allow three hours or even more to get into town for an evening performance and sometimes that wasn't enough. I invited another friend, based in Oxford, to accompany me some years back to a gala performance of The Mousetrap, of all things, that was attended by the Queen and Prince Philip. So tight was security - and so poor the train service from Oxford to Paddington - that my date arrived minutes after the play had begun and wasn't allowed into the theatre at all, not even at the interval: a wasted evening if there ever was one.
Presumably anyone keen enough to go to the theatre possesses a love of drama, but we generally prefer it contained to the stage, not left to run wild, courtesy of the train operator of your choice. Can it be much of a surprise that the question I am most often asked about a show is not, "Is it any good?", but, "What's the running time?" 90 minutes and out makes increasingly good sense for those who want to make their way home in something resembling peace.
The result, unsurprisingly, has been to encourage people to stick close to home: I know numerous Islingtonians who see everything at the Almeida but very little at, say, the Lyric Hammersmith. Or to give a crucial leg up to those playhouses like the National, where one can park in bunker-like security, thereby avoiding the more merry of the masses altogether. The most complete method of avoidance would be to simply cease going to live events, which certainly is an option in an age when, for instance, one could have heard and/or watched almost all this year's Proms live on television, radio or the internet.
I'd be curious to know - are difficult or awkward journeys affecting your decision-making when it comes to choosing a show? Is it possible that The Sexual Neuroses Of Our Parents pales next to the neuroses that come these days with getting to and from the event itself?
