TYKE THAT AND PARTY
“Football,” said Jock Stein, “is nothing without fans.” He can’t have had a very good Global Noodle Partner. Even a registered halfwit like The Fiver could write a dissertation on how the relationship between top clubs and fans has changed since Stein’s heyday. At a lower level, however, there are still a few weirdos who actually care about the club and the community of which they are part. And nothing says true love quite like a fortysomething German sucking on a lemon.
On Tuesday, Barnsley’s coach Daniel Stendel was sacked for his rank failure to turn yet another bucket of water into a bottle of 2004 Le Montrachet Grand Cru, Domaine De La Romanée-Conti. The club’s pathetic 21-word statement deviated from the usual sacking cliches by saying it had “separated from Daniel Stendel with immediate effect”. On Wednesday night, Stendel and his assistant Chris Stern also deviated from cliche. Instead of packing their bags and swiftly doing one, they went down the local for a leaving party – where, by mutual consent, they and a load of Barnsley fans got happy on beer and tequila and sang songs about the good times. If The Fiver’s heart hadn’t been cold and dead since 1997, it would be thoroughly warmed.
Stendel had already been to the Garrison Bar a few times. When he moved to Barnsley in 2018, he watched the World Cup there on the big screen. When Barnsley were promoted to the Championship last April, he celebrated with supporters over a few pints of the working man’s Elderflower Presse. And so, when he was given his P45, he decided to say goodbye via the old-fashioned medium of human contact.
There are videos of Stendel downing tequila before sucking on a lemon and wincing in the familiar style. Our advanced metric suggests that, with so many shots on target, Stendel had the highest Expected Flooteredness (xF) since the launch of our dedicated Paralytics Department. There is also unverified statistical evidence that, with every passing sip, the verticality of his walking left plenty to be desired. While a fine way to say farewell to a job, funnelling 47% ABV distilled beverages down your gullet is not generally the best way to apply for one. But Stendel’s everyman decency and enthusiasm for being within a 500-yard radius of actual, real-life football supporters have seemingly increased his chances of being offered the vacant job at Sunderland. His CV is certainly immaculate. He gets teams promoted from League One, and he goes to the pub. Hic hic hooray!
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Genuinely, we opened up discussions with the International Space Station” – yes, it’s former Football League chief suit Shaun Harvey on one-time plans for the Milk Cup draw. They didn’t get off the ground.
NEXT GENERATION 2019
Essential FM20 prep with the global edition: 60 of the best talents in world football.
FIVER LETTERS
“So, the egg-chasing between England and France has been cancelled because of a typhoon. I can’t imagine football holding a World Cup in a country with such extreme weather cond … oh” – Dave Gill.
“After reading yesterday’s Fiver and, incredibly enough, reaching the end before deleting it, I was reeled in by the clickbait of a classic sports photo of Lord Ferg. Unfortunately, I was greeted with a Shkodran Mustafi article going on about how he has been blamed even when not playing (dodgy Fiver linking). Does he mean being on the pitch and not playing? Straightforward reasoning if you ask me” – Arron Lynch.
“Re: Mispronouncing pundits (Fiver letters passim). My favourite was Mick Channon’s repeated failure to get his stress patterns right when saying ‘Gary Lineker’ (he pronounced it ‘Linn-Acre’) in the ‘86 Mexico World Cup. The same ITV World Cup panel also saw one of the greatest one-liner putdowns. Channon was, I think, harping on about a system England should employ. ‘The Irish have done it,’ he declared, ‘the French do it, the Germans do it …’ Then Brian Clough interjected: ‘Even educated bees do it.’ And, yes, it should have been ‘fleas’, but for an impromptu line, give the great man a break” – Jay Soffe.
“I was interested to read Des McManus about Joe Mercer’s pronunciations (yesterday’s letters). I remember from the 1960s that Joe used to pronounce Pelé’s name as ‘Peelee’. Heaven knows what he would do with the most recent addition to Arsenal’s midfield” – Tony Timms.
“If memory serves, Teddy Sheringham once pulled off a rare triple whammy of lazy punditry when discussing the Dutch midfielder Jan Wouters. He opted for ‘Jan Waaa’ers’ in broad C0ckney, impressively managing to misprounounce the J, W, and T in one swoop” – Mike Hopkin.
“Surely there can be only one winner. The award simply must go to a man who, while managing Newcastle, couldn’t even get his own players’ names right, including ‘Ben Afri’ and the belting ‘Yohan Kebab’. Step forward Joe Kinnear” – Tom Murray-Rust.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Tony Timms, who wins a copy of Numero 6. We’ve more to give away all week.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Dundee manager James McPake and Forfar defender Gary Irvine have been charged following a disturbance in a pub. Police Scotland said officers were called to The Braes after receiving reports of an incident “which resulted in a man sustaining a serious injury”.
José Mourinho looks to be closing in on a new gig after spurning an offer from Lyon. “We had some fairly flattering exchanges over SMS,” purred Jean-Michel Aulas. “It was nice for everyone. He did not accept our proposal to meet because he has already chosen another club.”
Nepal face a mountain to climb in World Cup 2022 qualifying after a flamin’ 5-0 defeat to Australia.
England’s James Maddison will miss the double-header against the Czech Republic and Bulgaria due to an illness.
Scotland boss Steve Clarke reckons Russia offer the ideal blueprint for his team to follow. “There was a time when there was a disconnect between the Russian fans and the Russian team and now they have that togetherness,” he cheered. “Hopefully we can build that with the Scottish fans and find ourselves taking part in a tournament that some part of it is going to be in Scotland.”
And Cambridge United striker Jabo Ibehre faces a lengthy spell on the sidelines after an infected cut resulted in knee surgery.
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Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
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Available now, classic sports photographs, including this actual one of Lord Ferg, some serious White Hart Lane mood and dog v Adidas Etrusco Unico.
