A NEVER-ENDING STORY?
Great news for all fans of Manchester United and industrialised genocide! A Chinese toy company has devised an accessory that is sure to satisfy all your football-themed Holocaust reenactment needs – a doll that looks very much like someone who passes sideways on the orders of Louis van Gaal and is dressed exactly like someone who used to kill on the orders of Adolf Hitler. But if this is some form of elaborate bantz, Bastian Schweinsteiger is not amused.
The Manchester United midfielder was aghast to learn via German rag Bild this week that a doll produced by the Hong Kong-based DiD corporation is a doppelgänger for himself. Not necessarily a problem per se, except that this lookalike is wearing a Nazi uniform and is marketed under the name Bastian. Even He, a noted admirer of images of himself, would draw the line before things went that far.
It may be intended as a plaything, but Schweinsteiger is toying with the idea of suing. He would appear to have a reasonable case. “This is a clear violation of Schweinsteiger’s personality rights,” bugled media lawyer Ulrich Amelung, adding: “To see him as a swastika-bearing Wehrmacht soldier also constitutes a gross defamation and insult.”
Patrick Chan, a spokesman for DiD, insisted that any resemblance between Germany’s captain and the Nazi effigy is completely and utterly coincidental. And then Chan just kept on talking, causing The Fiver to wonder whether 80 million people including Angela Merkel, Ivan Rebroff and Jérôme Boateng could also sue. “We think that all Germans look like that,” said Chan. The Fiver doesn’t know what Chan looks like, but rather suspects he’s got a very worried expression on his face about now.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s disappointing that people have created all this controversy. I didn’t offend anyone and I don’t want people to make out as if I’m racist. Anyone who knows me is well aware that I am not. It irritates me to be thrown to the wolves like this. The truth is I gave an incorrect opinion, in the sense that if I’d had to time to explain I would’ve said that I meant black players have never had a school of football in tactical terms similar to ours. [Antonio] Rüdiger read the situation badly because black players are not accustomed to paying attention to certain details. If they were as detail-oriented as us, then they’d dominate the spot, because they have everything in terms of strength and technique. It was a misunderstanding, I don’t want to be made to appear racist. If they didn’t like my comment, they could’ve just told me and interrupted our collaboration. Why create all this controversy?” – Stefano Eranio, formerly of Milan, Derby and Italy and now TV station RSI, digs and keeps digging after declaring “black players are not accustomed to paying attention to certain details” during the live broadcast of Bayer Leverkusen v Roma.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
It’s only the Guardian Football Universe series, kicking off with a guide to the Manchester derby.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Join AC Jimbo and co for the latest edition of Football Weekly Extraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
FIVER LETTERS
“You can stick your hoverboards right up your flux capacitor because there’s only one issue we should be talking about: will The Fiver throw its hat in the ring for the Fifa presidency? It’s a shoo-in for the job. Good with facts? The whole concept of ‘fact’ was invented by The Fiver, and that’s a stone-cold fact! Delivering on time? The Fiver invented time so it could taunt The Man about all those easily achieved copy deadlines. OK, it was actually to calculate the time it takes to deliver itself to the Bowler boozer just off Farringdon Road. What about numbers, can you do numbers? The Fiver’s numerical competence is famed and 1,057 pedants would be willing to provide references. What about stakeholder management, because we pride ourselves on family here? Yeah, on that note, have you met our Uncle?” – Grant McPhee.
“You must have noticed that most strikers these days, on scoring a goal, either cross themselves or raise one finger from each hand in the air while gazing earnestly at the distant heavens. I reasonably assume that these gestures are to give thanks to their God / Saviour / Prophet (delete those not applicable) for being able to glory in His contribution to their athletic performance. Contrast this with a typical defender, who, on putting his body on the line by blocking a certain goal, is satisfied with a high five from the goalie. Does the observed juxtaposition of striker spirituality versus defender temporality reinforce the historical view of defenders as cynical beings and would their promotion to defensive midfield represent a purgatorial transition?” – Ian Tasker.
“I should like to stand up for your previous correspondent’s disapproval of the term ‘Nasty’ to refer to [Nasty] Leeds (Fiver letters passim). As an Arsenal fan I feel similarly upset at your continued referral to the first knockout round of Big Cup as the Round of Arsenal as we have been past this stage at least three out of 16 times I can think of. That’s nearly a 20% success rate and definitely better than Tottenham. I believe it is time you updated your references to reflect the actual situation this season, thus: ‘Round of Arsenal’ should become ‘Round of 16 teams that aren’t Arsenal’. As for [Nasty] Leeds’ new tag – how about ‘Irrelevant’?” – Nick Reeve.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Ian Tasker.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
BITS AND BOBS
Dutch legend Johan Cruyff has been diagnosed with lung cancer. “On behalf of the club I wish Johan and his family a lot of strength and a speedy recovery,” said Ajax director Edwin van der Sar.
An unnamed linesman has alleged that he’d been told to favour Real Madrid in next month’s clásico against Barcelona. “It is like something out of a Kafka novel,” sniffed Barça suit Susana Monje. “I hope it does not prove to be true.”
Nasty Leeds manager Steve Evans is feeling pretty chipper after a 1-1 draw at Fulham in his first game at the club. “I think [the players] saw a corner turned when Steve Evans walked in,” he SteveEvansed.
The Queen’s Celtic have had a big unveiling for new striker and fan of The Fiver Carlton Cole.
Scoring a winning goal in an important Big Cup game leaves you feeling like you have love in your tummy, reckons Kevin De Bruyne. “It feels good,” he roared, before falling to the ground, legs and arms flailing. “The most important thing was to win and that is what we did even if we didn’t play our best game. In the end nobody says something if you go through in the group.” Manuel Pellegrini was feeling the same about the Belgian. “In all senses he was the perfect player to arrive to our team,” he swooned after the 2-1 victory over Sevilla.
Louis van Gaal had the funk on when he saw Anthony Martial handle the ball in the box but his heart melted once the striker levelled in Manchester United’s 1-1 draw at CSKA Moscow. “Martial is a human being,” he revealed. “He reacts and it is a stupid reaction, but sometimes these things happen. He said it is the first time it happens to him, if it always happens with me it’s a pity. But I was very happy with his performance.”
Having played Aaron Ramsey twice in three days, Arsène Wenger is keen to intimate that it was the Arsenal midfielder’s time away with Wales that’s to blame for fresh hamstring-twang.
Three Polish fans were among four people arrested for attacking Sevilla supporters in Manchester on Wednesday during some pwopah nawty scenes that included a flying bike.
And Italian youth teams Ponte Ronca and Persiceto 85 have replayed a match which ended 31-0 in favour of the latter after the result was annulled because the referee blew for time several minutes early to save the losers further embarrassment. “My lads played with their hearts,” parped Ponte Ronca coach Arturo Ginosa after the resulting 9-1 defeat. “I didn’t expect them to do this well, and I didn’t think we would score a goal. We knew the 31-0 scoreline did not do us justice but we had to prove it.”
STILL WANT MORE?
20,000 words from Rob Smyth on Manchester United 2-2 Liverpool in 1995, from the latest edition of The Blizzard. Woof!
Jacob Steinberg reviews the latest round of Big Cup games while Ian McCourt tags along for the ride.
It’s a Sensible Soccer special in this week’s Classic YouTube.
From Queens to Kathmandu: New Yorker Jack Stefanowski tells Les Carpenter about his two-year stint as Nepal’s coach.
Barney Ronay on Sevilla, Europe’s great over-achievers even in defeat at Manchester City.
Wayne Rooney at 30. Jamie Jackson pays tribute to a golden goalscorer.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.
WHO SCHEDULES PARENTS’ EVENING APPOINTMENTS AGAINST TEA-TIMELY FOOTBALL EMAIL DELIVERY? AH
