Lost in Showbiz is feeling broody. All of a sudden, it feels like the right time to grow some little Lost in Showbizzes in a petri dish, incubate them in Katie Holmes, and put their names down for rehab at birth. Or maybe just launch a hostile takeover bid for Angelina's African one or whatever.
But that's material stuff. The key question will be spiritual. Namely: how can I ensure they are raised with the kind of twisted value system that could make their progenitor - I don't think it'll be one of those "Mummy"-type relationships - truly proud? How can I drown their inquiring spirit in the Lethean waters of Heat, and make them realise that ethics are for other people, and that the world is a place of infinite inequality, to which they will make no conceivable difference? How can I make them realise that fame is a basic human right, that there is nothing more pointless than learning to spell meritocracy because it does not exist - it's just a lie that ugly people made up to make themselves feel better. And do they look like it's working? Of course they don't, pumpkin.
Suddenly, I know that there will be no more precious moment than that in which I take their little face in my hands, look into their upturned eyes, and whisper that whatever some bad teacher tells them, it is always, always better to be thin, stupid, and married to a footballer than it is to have - ugh - interests, or reserve, or "heart".
Happily, there is a whole alternative textbook system to assist with this kind of home schooling: children's books written by celebrities! Jordan and Madonna are already published, and this week the English canon welcomed a very special new entrant ... Coleen McLoughlin. Yes, I am thrilled to note from an announcement in the Bookseller that Wayne Rooney's fiancee will be writing a series of children's fiction - intentionally - under the title Coleen Style Queen. I was really hoping for Coleen's Dark Materials. But the muse has spoken.
According to the press release, "It will centre on a fictional character inspired by McLoughlin's childhood who faces fashion challenges along with the dilemmas posed by school, family, friends and boys." Expect an emoticon-heavy treatise on how to flog your story after your boyfriend's been caught visiting brothels. Or, as HarperCollins, puts it: "We look forward to expanding Coleen's publishing portfolio to a younger audience." I hope they also look forward to a sweltering eternity, because you have to think someone's burning for this stuff.
Coleen's kiddie opus will debut next spring, it emerges, which means it will go head to head with Geri Halliwell's. "I had put my back out and was stuck on the couch," Ginger Spice has explained of her book's genesis. "I have a massive amount of creative energy and love to write. I needed something to channel that energy. It's time to hand on the baton of girl power through a different medium."
Mm. In positioning herself as a kind of Renaissance moron - she can do it in any discipline - Geri reminds us that even though the fingers of Girl Power can be rammed down a tween throat 100 different ways, they will always bring up the same undigested binge of furballs and shouty self-help claptrap.
The protagonist is a thinly disguised Geri Halliwell character called Ugenia Lavender, and madam describes it as "Raiders of the Lost Ark meets Alice in Wonderland" ... Apologies, I drifted off into a reverie at "Raiders of the Lost Ark". Remember the last shot of Raiders? Wouldn't it be great if Geri could be put in a crate and secured in a vast government warehouse for ever and ever?
While we hold out for that kind of closure, be advised that Geri's favourite author is CS Lewis - who, let's face it, really got Girl Power. I love the bit in The Last Battle when Susan has to go to hell because she starts getting interested in boys and makeup. Turns out Aslan is a total bastard, kids!
So though we normally don't "do" homilies, the heavy-handed message of this week's tale is that if you buy any of these works for your child then you subconsciously want them to fail and Geri to win. (WARNING: because the world sucks, this might happen anyway.)
