Right, good night
And so ends another fun-filled seven hours of Guide Daily nonsense. I’d give it about 7/10 for emotion, 4/10 for facts, 1/10 for my attempt to big up Basingstoke and 10/10 for not mentioning Russell Brand until now. In the spirit of not leaving him out, though, here’s some erotic fan fiction about Brand and Bella Swan from the popular teen vampire romance known as Twilight. YOU, WELCOME, ETC.
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The month of the cerebral metal collab
Alright, so we’ve only got two examples to go on so far but you may as well start calling October: Month Of The Leftfield Metal Collab.
Up first, the Scott Walker and Sunn O)))’s album, Soused, came out, which Guardian Music critic Alexis Petridis named one of his ‘albums you definitely should hear or you’ll never know what good music is, ever’.
Now, Guardian Music are premiering the frankly terrific new track from The Bug x Dylan Carlson from drone metal dudes Earth, Boa. Yup, there’s nothing like a bit of crushing doom-bass before hometime.
TELL EVERYONE. IT’S A TREND!
The NSFW erotic fan fiction we never want to see given the big screen treatment
Though 1D fans probably won’t be old enough to go and see it, a book of Harry Styles-inspired erotic fan fiction has been optioned by Paramount and may well be groaning and moaning (ugh, sorry) its way to a cinema near you soon.
Maybe, just MAYBE, we’re so pop culture-and-Fifty Shades Of Grey potty that this could start an actual trend. After all, there’s plenty more saucy pop culture-themed fan-fic out there that would make a corking popcorn movie. Actually, no, don’t. Don’t ever make any of it ever.
The Price Is Right
Whoever thought that turning Twilight’s Bella and Edward into The Price Is Right gameshow hosts and then making them all boink each other is clearly a genius. Actually, FloridaChickie did. Sadly not written in the UK or it would have probably had Brucie thrown in there for good measure.
Jurassic Park
Dinosaurs do it for you? Hey, us too! This website takes bestiality to a new level and has stories called things Veloci-rapture, which is, erm, well, quite disturbing really.
The Cookie Monster and Clay Morrow
One of the things about erotic fan-fic is that anything – anything – can happen and any character or show can be smooshed together, usually naked. Take, for example, Clay Morrow from Sons of Anarchy and the Cookie Monster of cuddly children’s’ show fame. This is actually a thing and I’m sorry if you have nightmares.
Peter Mandelson and pretty much every other UK politician
The lothario of the political fan-fic world, which actually exists and sees him coupling up with Tony Blair, Alastair Campbell and Alistair Darling.
Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy
Yup, even Marvel uber-sexy character Groot has his own erotic fan-fic, which is kind of like how you imagine Hodor’s would be. An excerpt:
I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot.
I am Groot?
I AM GROOT. I am Groot. I am Groot. “I am Groot,” I am Groot.
The Hunger Games
Before there was any talk of making Divergent 2, perhaps the creators should have considered just doing something original, catering to what the YA audience really wants, and making some triple-x Hunger Games instead. It’s really quite raunchy and definitely NSFW.
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7 degrees of new music
Hello! It’s lunchtime. Shove some new music in yer pieholes along with that supermarket sandwich.
Calvin Harris ft. Big Sean
We know that Calvin is rich and everything but he appears to have been able to afford a shatterproof face. Here he is being rock ’ard in his new video, in which a window basically blows up in his snozz and he just sits there all chill while gangs fire at each other and ballet dancers – weird – pirouette in the desert outside. You could say he’s indestructible, a bit like…
Marilyn Manson
If there’s one thing that Marilyn Manson can write about from experience, it’s the perils of getting wasted – something he’s done more than most throughout his career and, somehow, survived. These days he gets wistful on the very exact third day of a seven-day binge, which means a lot of snarling and basically the kind of song you never ever want to hear on a comedown. If you need an upper, however…
Thumpers
London duo Thumpers do happy, happy happy! like no other. They frolic about happy in like bunnies skipping through meadows; they roll around in it like teenagers who’ve bunked off school on a sunny day and gone to drink cider in a field. Actually, this song isn’t so happy. It’s moody and introspective. But compared to that Manson track, it’s like a swirl of pink candyfloss. Jena Malone from The Hunger Games lends a sultry lady vocal amid the whoa-epic drums. And speaking of epic drums…
Melé
London producer Melé has some massive drums on his new EP, which may or may not be dedicated to the independent cinema chain. He’s also adopted the 2014 club choons trend for having ‘love’ in the title of your song. I don’t really know where I was going with that but I felt it needed to be said.
Which is funny because it really ties into… Sod it. Here’s the new single from NZCA LINES.
West End Gwars
Aren’t theatrical metal band GWAR just great? The first of their new lead singers wears an udder; the other has a top half that could destroy a nation. And for their next cover version for AV Undercover series, they’ve chosen to huff and grunt their way though Pet Shop Boys’s West End Girls.
Like that? Here’s them taking on Billy Ocean…
And Kansas, too…
Heard any more terrifying covers on your travels? Send ’em our way @guideguardian
Because every day there needs to be Game of Thrones goss
Pop culture blogging is kind of like Groundhog Day: every 24 hours you can be sure that there’ll be ‘big news’ about Benedict Cumberbatch, Taylor Swift and Game of Thrones like a very good looking infinity loop. Not ones to be left out, here’s today’s GoT portion –an incredibly dry interview with George RR Martin because he’s banged out a Thrones-pedia (read: coffee table book) in the hope that no one notices he hasn’t finished the next proper GoT book yet.
Basingstoke: the only new survival game you need in your life
I rarely write about computer games so imagine my excitement about the news that my beloved hometown has been turned into a survival game.
It’s easy to see why the makers might have been inspired after a trip to Basingstoke. There’s the shopping centre, Festival Place, where Top Gear once staged a Ford Fiesta car chase; there’s street art, namely the ‘Wote Street Willy’, a phallus-like sculpture in the middle of a thoroughfare; that time when everything flooded and the estates turned into a scene from Threads; and the sheer number of roundabouts so that you can never really leave.
Unfortunately, none of that appears in the trailer but, still, everything blows up, there are mutant robodogs, and cartoon people run around with chainsaws. Just like home.
The only downside is that we all have to wait until 2015 to play it.
A wee culture catchup
Howdy! Good morning. Hello there. Sam’s away, Kate’s out to play, anything could happen today.
First up: here are the things that happened last night while we were in the pub:
OK Go…
…tried to distract the world from the fact that their new song is just a slowed-down Get Lucky with another formation dancing frenzy (and added swooshy drone camerawork).
The Batch…
…was cast in yet another film. Gold star if you can name a big upcoming film that he hasn’t got a starring role in.
Benedict Cumberbatch is your next @Marvel movie star: http://t.co/Wj1IgvWjDp pic.twitter.com/cT4O6xL6PE
— Vulture (@vulture) October 27, 2014
Nicki Minaj…
…released the artwork for her new single. Sadly not also featuring Chris Brown as a Buddhist monk.
Here is the bonkers art for @NICKIMINAJ's new single with Drake, Lil Wayne, and Chris Brown... http://t.co/pQvog0z7cz pic.twitter.com/LrxOmVqK6k
— Pitchfork (@pitchfork) October 27, 2014
Update! You can now hear the track, too.
True Detective’s…
…worst kept secret with the worst surname in Hollywood is out of the bag.
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