Oh yes he is. Oh no he isn’t. With David Cameron away in Poland and Romania soliciting friends without benefits, prime minister’s questions reverted to more traditional Christmas fare with George “Man in Tights” Osborne as the leading man and Angela Eagle as the leading woman. And like all the best pantomimes, it provided a straightforward morality tale wrapped up in a few laughs.
Man in Tights looked unusually awkward at the dispatch box. The prime ministerial tights must be a great deal tighter than the Treasury tights and Osborne has a lot of stretching to do before they become a comfortable fit. The pantomime villain comes a lot more naturally to him than Prince Charming.
It takes years of practice to pretend you even know where Cumbria is, let alone care that it’s flooded: Dave has it down to a T, but Man in Tights will have to make full use of every minute of the next three years if he aspires to take over the top job before the next election. “I pay tribute to the people of Cumbria,” he mumbled deathlessly. Kind words about flooding are only kind when they are heartfelt.
Noticing Eagle was getting a much more enthusiastic reception from her benches than he was getting from his – it has been a long time since the opposition had a fun day out in the Commons – Osborne tried to turn the tables by pointing out the divisions in the Labour party. Angela and her sister Maria just looked at each other and laughed even louder. Where Eagles swear. The one upside of Labour being totally split is that no one has to pretend it isn’t. Who cares about being on message, when disloyalty is the current default setting?
Such matters are trickier for the Tories, who are still trying to pretend they are united in a shared vision. Eagle only had to mention the continuing audition for the prime ministerial vacancy and at least half a dozen members of the Conservative frontbench betrayed their ambition by immediately adopting their “I’m 100% behind Dave” faces. The most surprising leadership contender to be flushed out was the cabinet minister Oliver Letwin, who turned crimson. You have to at least be able to agree with yourself to run the country.
Eagle then turned her sights on deeper Tory splits. And her own leader. “I have a letter from Donald of Brussels,” she smiled, impervious to the pins Corbyn was sticking into a doll created in her image. “He writes, ‘uncertainty about the future of the UK in the European Union is a destabilising factor’. He is right, isn’t he?” Osborne hopped from left to right, desperately trying and failing to method act “total calm”. He tried a joke. “Most opposition parties are trying to get momentum; they are trying to get rid of it,” he said. Boom boom. It was a gag not even worthy of a Christmas cracker. Not even his own side could be bothered to laugh at that. It’s the way he tells them.
As the last chorus of boos – the Conservative Eurosceptics are an unforgiving audience – and a lone neigh from Tim Farron, who was bobbing up and down like a demented pantomime horse in search of its head, Man in Tights was badly in need of a Cinderella to rescue him. Instead, he got the Conservative MP Caroline Nokes, who chose to lob him a question about apprentices. Friendly fire is so often the deadliest. The last thing the chancellor needed was a reminder of his own unsuccessful apprenticeship. You’re fired, George.
