Anyone who ever dealt with the hyper intense Tom Coughlin on the football field and his legendary compassion away from it knows those different sides of the former Jaguars’ coach/front-office executive have one thing in common: he steps up to the plate in tough situations.
Thus, it should come as no surprise to anybody that a fiercely private man like Coughlin – writing an op-ed piece for the New York Times about the challenges of being wife Judy’s caregiver as she battles an incurable brain disorder – was willing to sacrifice some of that privacy to help others going through similar agonizing circumstances.
Coughlin needed just 765 words to bare his soul on the struggles and frustration of dealing with Judy’s condition. It is riveting from start to finish.
“I’ve learned firsthand caregiving is all-consuming,” Tom wrote. “It is mentally and physically exhausting. Sometimes you just need a break. When Judy is having a good day, then my day is good.
“But there are dark days – those days that so full of frustration and anger, they have me feeling like a failure and pondering the unfairness of the disease. I’ve spent my entire life preparing for some of the biggest games a person could play, but nothing can prepare you to be a caregiver who has to watch a loved one slip away.”
Coughlin even apologizes to his four kids and their spouses as “they have to bear the brunt of my frustrations because of my inability to deal with all the emotions that pile up day after day. I know how difficult this has been for them, and I thank them for their patience.”
Word after word, Tom reels in the reader and gives us a glimpse of what his post-football life has become. And whatever admiration you had for what he’s done the past 25 years with his Jay Fund charity, which benefits cancer-stricken kids and their families, that profound respect is sure to grow even more.
It’s impossible to see his poignant account and not be moved on multiple levels. It’s a heartbreaking read, but one people should invest time on, if for no other reason to appreciate the tenacity, discipline and love it takes to be a caregiver.
Tom didn’t write the Times op-ed piece to be the recipient of sympathy. Or receive plaudits, albeit deserving, for being at Judy’s side each day. Frankly, it’s doubtful most people have ever heard of the disease – progressive supranuclear palsy – that has been eroding her ability to “walk, speak, think and control body movements” for the past year.
But everybody likely knows somebody who either requires constant care or has been in the position of being a caregiver, even on a part-time basis, for a loved one. Clearly, Tom only decided to write his story as a way to uplift anyone whose hearts feel that massive burden.
Since 2017, as Judy dealt with various medical ailments, Tom stayed publicly silent about his situation at home out of respect for her privacy, and likely not wanting to burden others beyond his immediate family.
Well before Tom and the Jaguars separated in December 2019, many team employees knew he was facing a tough challenge at home and respected his privacy. He would battle and navigate through it quietly, on his own terms.
However, it turned out the timing of Coughlin’s dismissal was eye-opening in another respect. While his football career might have been over, his days of being a coach were not. Coughlin took an opportunity to show those around him what real love and a lifetime commitment to one’s spouse really means.
“I don’t ever look at Tom as a football coach,” said close friend Ernie Bono, who also serves as vice-president and secretary of the Jay Fund. “I look at him as one of the most compassionate, loving people I’ve ever encountered. This proves it. I don’t know if I could do what he’s doing every day.
“This could happen to anybody at any time. It’s just so tragic to see a beautiful person like Judy go through this. But to watch my friend care-give the way he is, he does it very attentively and lovingly. It’s pretty spectacular.”
Many of us in the media have known vague details about Judy’s various medical challenges since 2018. A circumstance like this is terrible news for anybody, but especially so for a woman who is thought of as fondly as Tom’s wife of 54 years.
This is not hyperbole: Having covered the Jaguars since their inception, I am honestly not sure if there has ever been a more beloved person outside that TIAA Bank Field football building than Judy Coughlin.
What Tom said about her in his Times piece was a spot-on assessment of how people feel about his lifetime partner.
“Judy has been everything to our family,” Tom wrote. “For the past four years, we’ve helplessly watched her go from a gracious woman with a gift for conversation, hugging all the people she met and making them feel they were the most important person in the room, to losing almost all ability to speak and move.”
Coughlin’s words paint a gripping picture of a caregiver’s life. The two-time Super Bowl championship coach with the New York Giants let people into his private world like at no other time in his career. Hopefully, it inspires other public figures to share their tough experiences as a way to lift the human spirit.
Former Jaguars’ running back Fred Taylor, whose grandmother that helped raise him is battling a medical condition that affects her cognitive skills, appreciated the courage it took for Coughlin to open up about his situation.
“I’m not around my grandmother like he’s around his wife every day,” said Taylor. “Reading the article, I had to hold back tears because I can only imagine what he must be going through. I tried to call him to tell him I love him, but he didn’t pick up [the phone]. I’m just praying for his endurance. “I can understand with his tenacity and discipline, he doesn’t want to cut any corners. Obviously, he’s fighting a fight that he can’t win because the disease is incurable. But each and every day has its own victories. Just knowing Tom, I’m sure he’s focusing on that.”
Coughlin, a devout Catholic, would no doubt welcome any and all prayers at such a difficult time for his family. But regardless of what he says about being “lousy at my new job,” those who know Tom understand he’s the ultimate fighter on behalf of his players and loved ones.
Judy will get the absolute best from her husband in every remaining moment, no matter how much being a caregiver takes out of him.
As former Jaguars’ play-by-play announcer Brian Sexton put it: “Tom is at his best when life is at its worst, still coaching other people. This is a just a shining example of who he is.”
Tom, who turns 75 on August 31, gave the late Jay McGillis – the Boston College safety who succumbed to leukemia in 1992 – a legacy beyond measure when he created the Jay Fund in his honor.
With Judy now being in what he described as the “sunset” of her life, Tom put down in words what he has told his players all his life, that things like commitment and accountability don’t end when they leave the playing field.
Once a coach, always a coach. Only this Tom Coughlin message had nothing to do with football. Good on him for delivering it in such a meaningful, powerful manner.
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