E: Today we are conducting a gel eyeliner Facegoop smackdown. You don't like gel liners, do you M?
M: No. They are fiddly. I used one today for this post and I have a big splodge of it on my hand where I "took off the excess".
E: Like a plague bubo? That's nice, M.
M: I can't be bothered to wipe it off.
E: Whereas I love them. You need a tiny, accurate brush and then it's dead easy and gives a nice soft line.
M: I think you're right. It's all about the tools.
E: In the dear corner, we have Bobbi Brown Long-Wear Gel Liners. I usually use Espresso Ink, or Caviar Ink.
M: What's Caviar Ink? A dark grey?
E: I really can't tell. It's sort of indescribable and dark, but not black.
M: Are you blind as well as lash-less?
E: Rude! It's a dark browny grey, I suppose? Maybe?
M: Deliciously salty. That's what caviar is like, wonderful on chopped onion, with a sprinkling of lemon. Who's in the other corner?
E: In the other corner is this cheeky Elf "Coffee". Look, here's a photo of all my liners.
E: I drew a line on my hand in permanent marker pen too. It's a control line (I have no idea why I did that).
M: Oh dear. Continue with the smackdown.
E: Elf has one massive point in its favor, which is that it is really cheap.
M: The packaging often looks really cheap with Elf products, but this tiny jar is satisfyingly heavy.
E: Yes, it's not bad. And I dunno what they put in it, but it seems quite like the Bobbi Brown.
M: That is not scientific, E.
E: Oh, but it is. I have tasted both. Thus it is scientific.
M: Oh god. You haven't, have you? HAVE YOU? Because I am going to have to have you looked at by professionals.
E: That Nobel prize for services to eyeliner won't win itself, M. ANYWAY. Elf Coffee versus Bobbi Brown Espresso.
M: I think we need a little graph.
E: Knock yourself out.
E: So, I did not like the Elf colour much in the jar. It's a bit pale for coffee. Like, Nescafé with a good glug of full fat milk.
M: Oh. Gross.
E: Whereas Bobbi is a proper roasted espresso served by a surly but saturninely handsome barista.
M: Would you say Elf is from the office coffee distributor, and BB is from the artisan coffee shop down a little cobbled lane?
E: That's a bit harsh. But yes. Elf is Option #3 self-vend americano, Bobbi is doppio espresso from the Monmouth Coffee Company. However, Elf rescues itself a few points in the application. It is just as easy to apply as Bobbi.
M: See, for me, my lashes get in the way. And my stupid crêpey skin. How about staying power?
E: Excellent for both. Barely budges all day. BUT, Elf, ugh. There was this horrible sticky feeling around my eyeline after I put it on. My eyelids were gumming together.
M: Ew, and ew.
E: Thankfully, that only lasted about 10 minutes.
M: I suppose it must have time to dry. I didn't feel the stickiness.
E: It's probably a no eyelash thing. Anyway, then I forgot about it and it behaved fine all day, no itchiness, stayed in place.
M: OK, I've just rubbed mine like crazy and it's still staying put. Tiny bit on my finger, but that's about it.
E: Gel liners have massive staying power and Elf is no exception. The Nescafé colour is much better once it's on too. Quite understated, but that's ok. It's for daytime, I don't want to look like Joan Collins.
M: Ha, is that what I look like in mine? Joan Collins with an unsteady hand.
E: Maybe a little. But in a good way.
M: I need some sequined shoulder pads. So, verdict?
E: I have to be honest, I like Bobbi better, because of the lack of eye stickiness and I would have liked a slightly darker shade from Elf. But it's good. And when you consider it's, like, a tenth of the price, it's VERY good.
M: Would you buy it again?
E: I might. Yes. No. I don't know.
M: Sigh.
E: And you?
M: Well, I bought it, and I will continue to use it, but I think I prefer liquid liners.
E: You can tell us about them another time. Now shoo, Alexis.
• Bobbi Brown Long Wear Gel Eyeliner, £17 bobbibrown.co.uk
• Elf Cream Eyeliner, £3.75 eyeslipsface.co.uk
