When couple Michael and Wes decided to have a baby, they say they did not expect the ‘judgemental stares’ and hurtful questions they would come to receive on a daily basis.
Michael Johnson-Ellis, 42, a freelance blogger, and Wes Johnson-Ellis, 43, who runs a not-for-profit organisation co-founded by the pair called My Surrogacy Journey, started their journey to parenthood through private surrogacy back in 2013.
The pair previously told the M.E.N that in their surrogate journey they had first felt they ‘had to hide who they were’ to have a family life until they found an agency that was accepting of LGBTQ+ parents.
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The CARE Fertility clinic in Longsight eventually helped them in their bid to become parents.
In October 2016, the pair had their first child together, Talulah.
Almost three years later, in August 2019, they had their son Duke, now 21 months, with the same surrogate.
But, despite now being parents for four years, the couple say they have often felt ‘isolated and alone’ due to careless remarks made from strangers.
“Everyone is hyper-aware of what we are doing with our children, as if we don't know how to look after them,” Michael said.
“They constantly ask us about who the ‘real’ dad is in front of our kids.
“Even going to the supermarket is hard, people approach you and ask the most offensive questions about who is the 'real' dad.
“We always have to think twice before we go somewhere."
The couple met at Birmingham Pride in 2012 and said they were ‘instantly smitten’ with each other.
Six months into their relationship, they started to discuss having children together.
Wes already had a 16-year-old daughter from a previous relationship but wanted more.
“We both love kids, and I’ve always wanted to be a dad,” said Michael.
“We discussed our options and we both decided surrogacy was the best route for us as we wanted to be biologically related to our children.
“But it was a hard journey - surrogacy in the UK is a hard process especially when you are two men.
“All the not-for-profits weren't taking on new members as there is such a shortage of registered surrogates in the UK.
"We had to do what is classed as an independent journey. So we have to source everything - from the clinic, surrogate, to even your egg donor.
“The system isn't perfect and so we had to educate a lot of people along the way.
"It was tough doing it all by ourselves but in hindsight it was brilliant because it led us to where we are today."
The couple say they often faced difficult questions from those closest to them when they mentioned they were trying for a baby via surrogacy.
“It started as soon as we told people we were going to have a child through a surrogate,” said Michael.
“People would ask why aren’t we adopting. I always thought ‘well why aren’t you?’"
“I think it’s OK to say that you want biological children as a same-sex couple. You want that link, you want to experience the pregnancy and be there when the baby is born.
"We considered adoption but as we looked into it, we just knew it wasn't for us. We both knew that we wanted to have two, and I would go first and then it would be Wes' turn."
When Talulah was born in 2016, the couple started to notice people would offer help when it wasn't wanted.
“I think everything is so mum-centric. You felt like an outsider walking into groups as a dad. People treat dads differently and it seemed very female focused,” Michael explains.
"We’d take Talulah out and people would ask us if we were giving mum a break. We'd just go along with it and say 'yeah we are' so we could move on."
“Strangers in cafes, especially mums, become overly interested in what we were feeding Talulah or how we cared for her.
"Women would approach me whilst I was walking round the shops to tell me my own daughter was crying, as if I couldn’t hear her.
"It made me feel frustrated. Parenting is hard and when you're overtired, and you are desperate for sleep, it’s the last thing you need.
"I would always just say 'I know', but it got to me.”
The personal questions and intrusion didn’t go away when Duke was born in August 2019.
In fact, it was sometimes further amplified.
“People come up to us daily and ask who the ‘real’ dad is,” Michael added.
I don’t understand why everyone is so interested in our sperm.
"They want to know all the ins and outs of how our children were born.
“Our children’s conception isn’t a secret, but it is personal to us, I don’t want to share it with a stranger."
Michael admits he didn't know how to respond when questioned like this.
He said: "When it first happened, it really took me aback; I never knew what to say.
“We try to explain that we are both their dads but I think people just shouldn't care about which child is biologically related to who.
“I also think it's rude to ask people about sperm, especially if they are a stranger in the street. I feel like if it doesn't affect you, then why ask?"
The couple also feel concerned about how these comments could affect their children as they get older too.
Michael said: "I don't think the kids have noticed as they are so young and we quickly shut down people's comments and politely move on with our day.
"I think the challenging thing is our children getting older and becoming able to read situations, especially Talulah, she's so bright.
"We're trying to make sure that they're brought up in an environment where they don't have to feel anxiety like we do, where we protect them.”
Luckily the couple, who started out with no support group of people in their situation, found a large community of same-sex parents thanks to Instagram.
"To begin with, our network of fellow same-sex parents was very small. There was no one in our life to look up to or even to guide us," said Michael.
"Then in January 2017 we started TwoDadsUK as an Instagram account. It just began as us documenting our surrogacy journey.
"We were flooded with same-sex couples asking for advice, and soon it became really clear that there needed to be an official place to go for the information."
Their Instagram account now has more than 33,000 followers and they also run a blog of the same name alongside their My Surrogacy Journey organisation.
Before lockdown, the pair also started their own ‘Surrogacy Information’ events to help support men in a similar position to them.
The couple say they feel it is important to speak out in order to help other same-sex families deal with public judgement.
They hope sharing their experiences will encourage others to be kinder too and think twice about comments which are often made without a second thought.
Michael said: “I think people are just mainly curious. But it can make you feel really lonely.
“People just need to be more mindful."
Reflecting on why people are curious about same-sex couples, he added: "When we were young, we didn’t see men having families together.
"I think it’s still something that people don’t see often and that needs to change.
“When we were young there were no role models of same-sex couples having children
"We want the same for our kids as anybody else.
“We want the best for them and will always do the best for them."
Michael and Wes are supporting the C&G baby club #LoveDontJudge campaign, which is on a mission to stop parental judgment before it starts.
For information and advice on how to respond to parental judgment, click here .
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