FIRST COMES THE BETRAYAL … THEN THE OPPORTUNITY
So farewell then, Dimitri Payet. You came, you saw, you made 48 Premier League appearances in which you scored 11 goals, provided 18 assists, had a cross accuracy of 32%, hit the woodwork five times and prompted the Fiver to do some proper research once. Now you’ve left West Ham for Marseille, from whence you came, having thrown your rattle out of the pram in the kind of parabolic arc more readily associated with one of those free-kicks with which you occasionally wowed Hammers fans, many of whom now consider you to be a duplicitous little turncoat who they never liked anyway.
“The club would like to place on record its sincere disappointment that Dimitri Payet did not show the same commitment and respect to West Ham United that the club and fans showed him, particularly when it rewarded him with a lucrative new five-and-half-year contract last year,” moaned club co-chairman David Sullivan, who appeared to have no problem whatsoever with Payet’s lack of loyalty 18 months ago, when West Ham connived behind the Marseille board’s back to convince the France international to sign for them in the first place.
But showing the same chutzpah and can-do spirit that earned them a free Taxpayer Dome (with accompanying opera glasses for any season ticket holders seated more than two rows back), West Ham have moved quickly to turn Payet’s betrayal into an opportunity. Not long after Marseille had broadcast footage of their prodigal son coughing for the doctor, Irons chief executive Lady Brady could be found on the Twitter, inviting fans to return their “Payet” replica shirts – already reduced from £60 to £36.66 last week – to the club shop and “exchange it for any other named player’s jersey … for just £25”.
This could be seen as a decidedly loose interpretation of the word “exchange”. In fact The Fiver hopes that this is not a cynical gesture masquerading as magnanimity in which they charge fans twice for the same piece of gaudy polyester, thus helping to clear their warehouse to make room for next season’s new and more expensive kit. Payet, who has taken a pay cut to join Marseille, may have left West Ham in disgrace, but the club so keen to criticise his lack of loyalty may stand to profit from erasing his name .
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Niall McVeigh from 7pm to see England boss Gareth Southgate fall woefully short of the tombola standards set by Rod Stewart recently as he helps make the draw for the fifth round of the FA Cup.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I do not want to judge the judges. I got a sentence and I decided not to appeal to just get this behind me. For those who don’t like me, any sentence will be too lenient. They would like to put me in jail somewhere without any heating in the middle of winter – and that would still be lenient” – Arsène Wenger, definitely not struggling to keep a lid on his simmering mood after his four-game touchline ban. Nope.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Friday’s Fiver, there’s no chance of the BT Sports team muddying their spats on Sutton’s artificial 3G surface” – Mike Cornwell (and 1,056 others).
“The fact that Manchester United’s FA Cup games are still always televised, irrespective of the quality of either their team or the alternative fixtures, provides a crumb of reassurance that in this ever-changing world, some things remain constant. And no, I didn’t bother watching it” – Ed Taylor.
“An attendance of 9,327 at Ewood Park? Are the the FA and Venky’s now providing alternative facts?” – JJ Zucal.
“Can you, or someone in Big Paper, start up a new section/database called ‘Alternative Facts’. Example number one from the weekend, Martin Keown on co-commentary: ‘Antonio Valencia has just signed a new contract and rightfully so, he’s one of the best right-backs in the country.’ Example numbers two to 199 can be anything Paul Merson has said in the last two years” – Noble Francis.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Ed Taylor.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Julio Arca scores a 40-yard wonder goal for … South Shields.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Aston Villa sacked a scout accused of sexually abusing boys in 1988 but did not alert police, it has been claimed.
Social media abomination, The Twitter, is going to live-stream three hours of Sky’s bi-annual soap opera, Jim White Day, to give the poor under-reported transfer window the extra coverage it so desperately needs.
Breezy Sunderland boss David Moyes is continuing to cast his net far and wide in the pursuit of new signings with … ah. Let’s have another go at that. Breezy Sunderland boss David Moyes has added Bryan Oviedo and Darron Gibson to his collection of former Everton players.
Meanwhile, Patrick van Aanholt has jumped ship from The Moyesiah’s Stadium of Fright to Sam Allardyce’s Palace O’ Doom for £10.2m big ones.
As for Allardyce, he almost spilled his pint of wine when he realised actual football matches are going to get in the way of a good night of transfer piffle. “Playing a game right on the last day of the window affects the mentality of the players,” he fumed. “Constant rumours are disruptive.”
Watford have accepted an offer of £20m from Changchun Yatai for 2015’s Odion Oghalo.
Giddy Sutton chairman Bruce Elliott reckons drinking frothy pints of mood-enhancer in the club bar is going to get a whole lot better after the 1-0 FA Cup win over Nasty Leeds. “We fixed one of the leaks in the roof of the dressing room after we beat AFC Wimbledon, but there’s another one now in the bar so I suspect some very kind roofing company will come and help us,” cheered Elliott, whose club stands to gain £300,000.
And Jürgen Klopp will go all Kenny Craig on Sadio Mané to see if he can face Chelsea. “I will have to look into his eyes and see if it is possible,” soothed Klopp, while readying his pocket watch.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Join AC Jimbo and chums for Football Weekly.
STILL WANT MORE?
“In Seville, we lived in two flats, flat B and flat C. There weren’t 22 of us then [but] there were about 15. A lot of bunk beds.” Arsenal Invincible Lauren gets his chat on with Sid Lowe about all sorts, including having a shed-load of siblings.
Stefano Pioli has put his foot down on the accelerator at Internazionale and they are making steady progress, vrooms Paolo Bandini.
It’s Sid again, and he reckons Barcelona’s disallowed goal shows that La Liga needs to get with it and embrace video technology.
Don’t talk about spend, talk about net spend, writes Paul Wilson.
A Ruben Loftus-Cheek roadblock, 16-year-old Ryan Sessegnon and eight more talking points from the weekend’s FA Cup action.
The weekend’s best FA Cup photos, featuring Adebayo Akinfenwa looking simply magnificent.
Nottingham Forest are tugging on Nigel Clough’s heartstrings, coos Daniel Taylor in his column.
The MLS cannot pay China’s lavish salaries so they ought to focus on the making their kids good, reckons Sam Blum.
Dieter Hecking has survived an almighty hospital pass and got Borussia Mönchengladbach smiling again, says Andy Brassell.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO
