Forget about Ed Miliband’s poor popularity ratings, the supposed Green party surge, a potential SNP snatch-and-grab of Labour seats in Scotland, or the fact David Cameron once left his daughter in a pub (not strictly relevant, but it’s important this doesn’t fade from public consciousness): it turns out there will be just one factor that will influence the outcome of the May 2015 general election: Gary Barlow.
Speaking on Radio 4’s Today programme, the shadow chancellor, Ed Balls, poured scorn on the Tories’ willingness to wheel out their pop star supporter in time for the vote, as though an expert witness for a gruesome, bloody murder trial.
“The idea that someone who doesn’t pay any tax in Britain should be telling British people how to vote will stick in the craw,” spat Balls, who later went back to furiously tweeting his own name.
Ed Balls
— Ed Balls (@edballsmp) April 28, 2011
Balls’s comments gave rise to the rather militaristic Telegraph headline: “Ed Balls claims Tories have enlisted Gary Barlow to attack Labour”.
The fact that Barlow supports the Conservatives isn’t new – he campaigned for the party during the last election – but the idea that he could be their secret weapon for a second time is a genuinely terrifying one. So could a 44-year-old man who is still able to write “boy band” on the occupation section of his passport really be that much of a threat?
The Flood
Yes. Balls is right to be worried. We should all be worried. Exhibit A: the black polo neck. Only a few types of people wear black polo necks: mime artists, Tom Cruise, chic French women and Gary Barlow. Oh, and laddish comedians appearing on Newsnight piously defending themselves against accusations of misogyny.
Barlow has three outfits to speak of: a waistcoat over a low-cut T-shirt, a shiny suit and skinny tie, and the black or grey polo neck. This level of sartorial consistency is a boon in the modern political arena, in which any change in appearance can distract attention and deflect a message (see Cameron’s hair parting; Osborne’s weight loss; a woman wearing anything, ever).
But it’s the polo neck in particular that Cameron will be counting on come the election. Cut to May, and Barlow will be travelling the country smuggling x-marked Tory ballots under his knitwear and stuffing them into boxes like a kid trying to pack a sleeping bag. As The X Factor saying goes: “110%.”
How Deep is Your Love
Then, there’s the voice. Is there a speaking voice more monotonous than Gary Barlow’s? With the cadence of words stuck in tar, enunciation sunk in quicksand, Barlow has the … perfect … vocal … tool … to … bore … voters … into … submission.
Think about it: if David Blaine started reading out a party political announcement, it would brainwash a person in seconds.
Add a Frodsham drawl and pronunciation skewed by a permanent lump of chewing gum, and false Conservative proclamations about cutting the deficit in half will be buried deep into the hippocampus before the temporal lobe can be like: “wait, but isn’t that only correct if we measure the deficit as a proportion of GDP?”
Rule the World
In fact, Barlow has many skills and charms. He once climbed Kilimanjaro for charity, scrambling up the mountain making awful dad jokes, while invisible sherpas flung themselves into the silence below. He even flew out to a war zone – (“Good evening Camp Bastion!”) – to entertain British troops. This mostly consisted of a soldier awkwardly playing a child’s ukulele as Barlow broke out into a falsetto Back for Good. But it’s more than you’ve done isn’t it, pal?
OK, so he’s popular. But you’re probably thinking, pfff, what the hell does a pop star know about politics anyway? The masses won’t actually listen to a 90s boyband sensation – a group of individuals who include Brian Harvey, a man who, lest we forget, once ran himself over in his own car and then blamed it on potatoes.
But here’s why Barlow is a true threat. First of all, given that most of Barlow’s fans are now in their 30s and 40s, they are cash-rich, politically engaged and actually able to vote. Nobody cares who Harry Styles endorses, apart from whichever child looks after the Fisher Price voting booth in your household.
The other reason is: Barlow has really done the legwork here. He’s so keen to be part of the political establishment that he has already proved himself to have the necessary qualities of contempt for the British public, willing to deprive us of millions via tax avoidance. He’s also the Queen’s preferred hypeman at her parties (that’s Gary Barlow OBE to you). He’s basically a duck house away from being handed a safe seat.
So Balls is right to be concerned. Miliband should take a second from fretting about the fact people are still spelling his name with two Ls. Because it turns out that an admittedly brilliant songwriter who looks like a preliminary design for a Guess Who character could have the fate of the country in his hands. Pray.
