AN UNHOLY PLACE
And so we look back on the great televisual moment of the last week, a clash between two wildly different teams, played in Ireland and broadcast to a grateful nation that sat agog with excitement at the thrilling nature of the action they were fortunate to witness. True, only one outfit was truly interested in attacking, while the other side pulled their men back and defended in numbers. This tactic might have resulted in a sterile stalemate, but not on this occasion, as the more offensive-minded squad charged at them, displaying why many had made them favourites to claim victory, determined to get the result at any cost. Many neutrals would have sided with those attempting to hold out, lacking as they did their opponents’ resources and sheer numbers, but such was the skill, remorselessness and fearlessness of their foes they were eventually forced to submit. Though their commitment could not be doubted, and they’ll regret not spending more time on their tactics and formations, at the end of the day there’s not much you can do against the massed ranks of the undead.
So much for last week’s episode of Game of Thrones, reader. Though the week ended, as it had begun, with a drama set across the Irish Sea that had viewers pondering the afterlife, on this occasion the main consideration was that the inevitability was suddenly 90 minutes closer, without any perceptible benefit having been accrued in the intervening hour and a half. At the end of it all the Republic O’Ireland and England had drawn 0-0 in an outlandishly snoozeful encounter, though the visitors had at least come out 21.5-12.5 up on the important percentage of shots that were on target metric.
The Twitter feed of the match’s UK broadcaster, ITV, kept the world abreast of the latest developments in Dublin, with updates including “it’s not been the liveliest of starts”, “former non-league player Harry Arter is on – he’ll be used to this standard” and “which pub shall we meet in to forget about that game?” Game of moans, if you will. There was no controlling Mr Roy’s fury when he was told about the channel’s mockery after the game. “Did they?” he raged. “I don’t have a comment on that.”
It was a game almost entirely bereft of redeeming features, in which the only fringe player to have a significant impact was Adam Lallana, whose 30th-minute effort, poked straight out play, wrestled the worst-ever-England-corner-kick trophy away from Wayne Rooney’s against Italy at the last World Cup. Paul Scholes, watching the game as an ITV pundit concluded that it had been “a waste of an afternoon”. Not just any afternoon, though. It had, in particular, been a waste of the afternoon of 7 June. The game was played precisely one year after England’s last 7 June fixture, a spectacularly unmemorable 0-0 friendly draw against 10-man Honduras. There’s a theme here. England’s last three 7 June matches have featured a grand total of one goal and that was a penalty. Through history, seven matches involving England have been played on 7 June, and the most any team has scored is one. Last season the average game in the English top flight featured 2.63 goals; England’s average 7 June game features 0.71. They are more boring than a standard Premier League fixture by a factor of nearly four. Games of groan, if you will. In England’s 7 June matches the average scoreline is a stultifying England 0.43-0.29 Opponents.
So the bad news is that you (may have) wasted a couple of hours of life. The good news is that thanks to The Fiver’s exclusive number-crunching, next year you won’t have to.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
26 January 2012: “I can’t write … so I don’t keep anything … I can’t work a computer, I don’t know what an email is … I’ve never sent a fax and I’ve never sent a text message. I’ve never wrote a letter in my life. I couldn’t write a letter, I write like a two-year-old and I can’t spell. You talk to anybody at the football club, I don’t write. I couldn’t even fill a team sheet in” – ‘Arry Redknapp’s chat with City of London police is played to Southwark crown court during his trial for tax evasion, of which he was cleared.
30 October 2014: “I don’t read Twitter, I don’t even know what it is, I wouldn’t know how to read it and it doesn’t interest me one little bit” – ‘Arry reflects on Rio Ferdinand’s ban for that ‘sket’ comment.
8 June 2015: “Let’s see what this is all about then” – turns out ‘Arry has been using his recuperation from knee-knack to learn how to write, spell, punctuate, work a computer and join Twitter.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Barcelona’s Big Cup triumph over Juventus, the brick-by-brick replay. Featuring all kinds of hot takes BTL, because unbranded bricks.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
It’s the last Football Weekly of the season. AC Jimbo has Barry Glendenning, Paolo Bandini and John Ashdown choking back the tears, plus Caroline Barker and Sid Lowe on the phone providing the hankies.
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BITS AND BOBS
Burnley are somewhat confused about whether Danny Ings will join Liverpool. “Ings completes Anfield switch,” read a club statement confirming the striker had agreed personal terms, before pointing out: “Burnley Football Club has rejected an offer made by Liverpool.”
Former footballer Sol Campbell intends to put himself forward as the Conservative mayoral candidate next year. “I look at people who have been in politics for five, 10, 15 years, and muck up, you see them muck up and think, ‘you guys are supposed to be pro!’,” parped Campbell in quotes The Fiver in no way expect to resurface in the Quote of the Day section at a later date.
Aston Villa have packed Darren Bent aboard the no-frills Do One Airways flight to Derby, but hope the combination of Tactics Tim and a bag of cash will convince Ron Vlaar to stay.
AFC Wimbledon’s Adebayo Akinfenwa has signed a new contract despite interest from League One sides as well as an offer from an MLS club. “It was also about my brand and shooting a documentary,” he roared. “I met with a couple of clubs in America and there was also interest from League One and League Two clubs. I even got a call from a club as I was driving in here today.”
Javier Hernández has looked up the phrase “come and get me” in his Big Footballers’ Thesaurus and come up with this: “I want to join a team where I can play and have minutes. If it’s at Manchester United or another team, I will be equally happy.”
Barcelona president Josep Maria Bartomeu has confirmed that after Luis Enrique won the league, cup and Big Cup in his first season in charge, he would quite like him to stay. “He has done a magnificent job,” he trilled in his best Sonny and Cher impersonation.
Andrea Pirlo has dismissed speculation that he, his beard and his wine cellar are to up sticks from Juventus and pitch up in MLS.
Kevin De Bruyne says he has no idea why he was hoofed out of Chelsea. “I still don’t understand why José Mourinho let me leave,” he parped, before more or less answering his own question: “I asked him to leave. I didn’t want to stay at a club where I wasn’t even playing for 10 minutes.”
Diego Maradona says he may be in line to become Fifa vice-president should Prince Ali Bin al-Hussein be elected Sepp Blatter’s successor. “I’ll clean them all up,” whooped the former cocaine addict who, at one stage recently, was in debt to the Italian government over unpaid taxes to the tune of £33m.
And for anyone looking to combine the hi-tech, surround sound of a multiplex with the comfort of watching telly alone in your pants then Fifa’s United Passions propaganda exercise is the flick for you, after Phoenix’s FilmBar cinema confirmed that it sold just one $9 ticket for the film on its USA! USA!! USA!!! opening weekend.
STILL WANT MORE?
Is Zlatan Ibrahimovic on his way to Arsenal? Will Ezequiel Lavezzi do one to Liverpool? Who will Toby Alderweireld pick between Chelsea and Spurs? The Rumour Mill (kinda) has the answers.
No side has managed to win back-to-back Big Cups but Jonathan Wilson chances his arm by reckoning this Barcelona side might just have a chance.
If players can be loaned out, why shouldn’t fans be too, suggests Barry Glendenning. Cue more hot BTL action.
Louise Taylor arrived too early for Moncton’s Atlantic Seafood Festival but did get there in time to preview England’s Women’s World Cup game against France.
Meanwhile, have you been wondering if the USA! USA!! USA!!! Women’s team failed to evolve with the times? So too has Caitlin Murray. Here is what she had to say about it.
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