One of the more painful traditions played out during the state opening of parliament is that of the loyal address. At 2.30pm this afternoon, two backbenchers - this year, Kevin Barron (Labour, Rother Valley) and Vera Baird QC (Labour, Redcar) have been chosen - will welcome the Queen's speech by delivering humorous speeches of their own.
That, at least, is the theory. MPs are happy enough to chuckle at each other's gaffes and embarrassments, but few of them are gifted stand-ups. Parmjit Dhanda worked up a genuine laugh in 2003 when he joked he had been invited to deliver the address after striking up a "real rapport" with the Duke of Edinburgh. But Giles Shaw's 1998 effort is more typical. "Harry Ramsden's fish and chip shop in Guiseley [is] the largest fish and chipper in the world," Mr Shaw told the Commons. "Its 60th anniversary … was graced by the ample presence of my hon. friend the parliamentary secretary to the Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food - no, I think that that should read, 'The celebration was amplified by the gracious presence' …"
Others confess how afraid they were when the Whips' Office summoned them to deliver the address. "The feeling of anxiety took me back to the time I moved from infant school to junior school," said David Lammy in 2001. "I was quite a boisterous seven-year-old, and quickly found myself in a fracas with another child. Miss Vaisey, my headmistress, commanded me to go to her office … I had been told by some of the older boys of the slipper in her office that she often had occasion to use. She told me to take my coat off, and said that she would be back in 10 minutes. Nervous and very scared, I thought that she said, 'Take your clothes off.'"
Meg Munn tried a similarly risqué anecdote last November.
She had just got into the shower after a tap-dancing practice with other female MPs, she explained, when the division bell rang. By the time she emerged, another MP had made off with her locker key: "I followed the advice of the great Nye Bevan and decided not to go naked into the chamber."
But the most laboured and ill-judged loyal address was surely Gerald Kaufman's 1997 speech, which included both a jibe at Peter Mandelson - a man whom some credited with helping Labour win the election - and this forgettable witticism: "It is out of fear of my hon. friend that I refrain today from referring to reports circulating in the film industry that Hugh Grant is to portray the prime minister in a forthcoming horror film called 'Demon Eyes over Westminster'." Mr Kaufman, who was a minister during the 1970s, has remained firmly on the backbenches ever since.
