Remember last year’s G20 summit, when Angela Merkel started grinding on people when Kraftwerk came on? And Christine Lagarde got trashed and started telling maths-based jokes and nobody knew what she was on about?
This year’s was just as much a hoot, rivalling a D12 after-show or one of B*Witched’s legendary house parties. Fun and games in Buenos Aires with the odd autocratic murder suspect thrown in. And who among us doesn’t like to stand in front of flags all day reading off an autocue? Who doesn’t love running out of water 20 minutes into a 90-minute long meeting? Who isn’t hyped to hide in a lift to avoid Mohammed bin Salman?
Allow me to take you through some of the key moments of the summit: the highlights, the lowlights, the actual dying of the light.
This picture could not look more like a couple’s therapy session immediately after they are asked, “Right, who wants to begin then?” by an analyst wearing half-glasses on a chain. Nobody says anything and then both burst into complaints at once. Extra amusingly, it looks like one of the chair feet is Theresa May’s leg. A tiny, tiny leg. I may or may not have laughed at this for far too long. Anyway, that’s £90 please – see you next Tuesday, same time?
This is Angela Merkel surrounded by mere mortals and checking her watch, having absolutely no time for them because she is, for a bit longer at least, the de facto leader of Europe and she studied quantum chemistry. Angela doesn’t wanna hear it, whatever it is. Did you study quantum chemistry? Well then.
In further proof that ANGELA DOESN’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS, here she sits across from Australian prime minister Scott Morrison brazenly reading (genuinely) what amounts to a Wikipedia printout on Scott Morrison. She’s allowed to do this, because she is the de facto leader of Europe and she studied quantum chemistry.
Trump greets Argentinian President Mauricio Macri, then promptly walks off the stage, leaving Macri standing alone.
— Julie Laumann #StrongerThanHate 🌎 (@Otpor17) December 2, 2018
As Macri calls after him, a staffer attempts to retrieve Trump.
At 0:16, Trump says, "Get me out of here." (h/t @TopRopeTravis) #G20pic.twitter.com/aYwjPEMaU2
Just when you think it’s impossible for Donald Trump to become any more like Selina Meyer (as seen in Veep) he raises the bar. Here he is wandering from the stage, leaving Argentine president Mauricio Macri nonplussed and embarrassed in front of the assembled press, while an aide runs after Trump who can be heard murmuring, “Get me out of here.” I’m A F*cking Idiot, Get Me Out of Here!
Here is Xi Jinping making the exact face women make when random men on public transport insist on interrupting them so we have to take a headphone out, and then they ask a banal question, followed by: “Sorry, am I interrupting?” Yes, this is the definition of interrupting. Petition idea: to allow women to listen to This American Life for at least two stops. And no, I don’t fancy coffee some time.
This photo is very “one minute pause before The X Factor winner is announced”. Get ready for either Paraguay’s president, Mario Abdo Benitez, or Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe to be signed to Simon Cowell’s Syco (I see what you did there!!) label for all of five minutes; release a cover butchering a pop classic; and then quietly return to the pub-and-club circuit with all promo materials bearing a low-quality X Factor logo, definitely breaking trademark laws.
#EmmanuelMacron telling the Crown Prince “You never listen to me “ French officials say it’s part of a 5minute exchange of Macron confronting bin Salman about the #Khashoggimurder
— lafemmemerveilleuse (@largottes) December 1, 2018
Macron heard warning #binSalman after Saudi crown prince tells him not to worry “I am worried “ pic.twitter.com/jR8PfLT81S
In extraordinary scenes (a redundant phrase these days), here is Macron and the Saudi crown prince, Mohammed bin Salman, having a low-key discussion (in front of a camera) in which MBS (More Bullshit) tells the French president, “Don’t worry.” Macron – speaking for all of us – replies, “I am worried.” He follows up, “You never listen to me.” This could be a normal leader-to-leader tiff, except it’s almost certainly about the fact one of them is a moral vacuum. Still – a great friend of the UK! :-))))
Putin and Saudi crown prince MBS share smiles and a high five at the #G20Argentina Summit. Latest updates: https://t.co/lx2xK3tiSn pic.twitter.com/H0TmDA5edB
— Al Jazeera English (@AJEnglish) November 30, 2018
This is what is known as a “nice one, human rights-suppressing bro!” high five. They are mostly done discreetly, and not audaciously in front of the world’s press, but who even gives a shit any more?
I’d love to know who designed this awful backdrop, which looks like when the Daily Mail is forced to pixellate the face of a celebrity’s child, mostly because they’ve referred to her as being “leggy” despite the fact she is six years old.
What we have here is Victoria Vorontsova, the deputy editor-in-chief of Spanish RT (I know), and Hernan Lombardi, the head of Argentina’s system of media and public content, holding certificates for taking part. Or that is what it looks like, judging by the expressions on their faces.
I used to mock Melania Trump for still shoulder-robing like it was still 2012, but she does it so often now that I just genuinely don’t think she understands how sleeves work.
Angela coming to steal your man. Who probably doesn’t even have a degree in quantum chemistry.
Your man.
Once again we have the camel-eyelashed Canadian prime minister, Justin Trudeau, looking like a smug Ken doll who can almost certainly commune with dolphins and probably uses the Amaro filter on every Instagram picture he posts, mostly of lakes. He flirts with your mum all dinner and then rolls his shirt sleeves up – maybe even takes the whole thing off – and offers to do the washing up, even though there’s a dishwasher.
Until next time!
• Hannah Jane Parkinson is a Guardian columnist
