Thank you very much for joining me.
Here is Nick Ames’ match report for you to enjoy.
Chris Wood: “It’s nice to get over the line tonight.
“We’ve been in here many times over the last few seasons, we have many experienced players in the changing rooms. It was a fantastic performance from the lads.
“It’s always nice scoring goals and helping the team. They have to be put on a plate sometimes and I put them away.
“He [Dyche] just shouts at us. He doesn’t coach us, he just makes sure we work hard.”
Chris Wood is not a great interviewee.
More angry Fulham fans from Richard Hirst: “Wolfie (Citizen Smith), Dougal (Magic Roundabout) and Diddy David Hamilton.”
I also have Ray Brooks, the voice of Mr Benn, to add, courtesy of Philip Cornwall.
Ruth Purdue offers hope to Fulham: “I agree with Ms. Waltz, the Championship is a lot more fun than the Premier League. So close every year and the level is improving all the time.”
The Guardian’s Ben Mee and the rest of the Burnley team look very pleased with the win. They just know how to get things done.
The most worrying thing for Fulham is that they will be stuck with plenty of well-paid players who no one else will want.
Full-time: Fulham 0-2 Burnley
Fulham are down and have spent the past 90 minutes proving why they deserve to be relegated. The hosts were terrible in the final third. Meanwhile, Burnley have secured their top-flight status for another season thank to they know-how and efficiency up top.
90+2 mins: Fulham send in their 184943rd cross of the game, which is cleared like all the others.
90 mins: Four minutes added on. Can Fulham score three? No.
88 mins: Richard Osman will be raging. I assume Hugh Grant will feel similar. Do Fulham have any other celebrity fans?
87 mins: Which Fulham player will get the best move? Andersen (I know he’s on loan) will end up somewhere decent, as will Areola and Anguissa.
85 mins: Cheerio Richard Hirst: “Ah well, it’s been nice knowing you all, now it’s back to the Championship clockwatch. See you in two years! And thanks for the good wishes Mary.”
Ashley Barnes is coming on. All I want is for Bardsley to produce a cameo.
83 mins: Fulham have a corner ... which The Guardian’s Ben Mee heads behind for another. The second is cleared and Taylor starts a break, only to be cut down by Lemina.
81 mins: Pope punches away a free-kick despite it being straight at him. Has he always punched everything?
79 mins: Areola was not sent off as they felt the defender could cover. The defender was on the floor. What a terrible decision. Utter rubbish from Peter Banks.
Mary Waltz with some kind words: “Well Mr. Hirst, my sympathies for the Premier league death, the Championship is still wonderful entertainment and quality football, and a top 6 finish and a shot at promotion next year is something.”
That’s nice.
77 mins: Fulham only have two recognised defenders on the pitch. I am not exactly sure how you would describe their formation. Essentially there are 10 outfield players in various positions across the pitch.
I wonder how many goals a season Chris Wood could score if he played for a team who actually attacked.
75 mins: McNeil slips the ball through for Rodriguez who whacks a shot on goal from 18 yards which Areola is equal to.
73 mins: Burnley are yet to have a shot in this half.
Loftus-Cheek coming on from Fulham.
71 mins: OFF THE BAR! The ball is pulled back to Anguissa on the edge of the area, from where he hits a powerful shot with his sidefoot, only to see it bounce down off the bar.
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69 mins: Rodriguez is on for Vydra to add some fresh legs to the Burnley attack. He will be chasing the ball into the channel a lot.
Onomah is on for Fulham, replacing Decordova-Reid.
67 mins: Peter Oh asks: “Westwood and Wood have scored? If Cork scores it could well be the first Premier League hat trick by players with wood-themed names.”
Nah, Graham Oakwood, Barry Redwood and Jim Conifer netted for Sheffield United in 1992/93.
65 mins: Taylor challenges Cavaleiro from behind in the box, which seems like a silly thing to do. However, VAR sees nothing wrong. Burnley need to up it here to avoid this going very wrong.
Mee pings a ball down the pitch for Vydra to chase. Areola comes 30 yards off his line, Vydra heads the ball and it’s going past the goalkeeper who sticks out his arm to stop it. The goalkeeper gets away with it. I would advise that’s a terrible decision. Sympathy vote?
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63 mins: Lookman collects the ball in the box and Tarkowski goes to challenge but pulls out thinking he is about to give away a penalty. Lookman thinks the contact is coming and starts to go down but realises he is now the man in the wrong.
61 mins: Burnley are playing with almost no intensity, just happy to absorb whatever Fulham throw at them.
59 mins: A cross is swung in from the right for Mitrovic to attack but his header only finds the sidenetting. Fulham are finally in this game.
57 mins: Fulham are dominating possession, having three-quarters of the ball since the break but I do not think Burnley care.
Pope keeps punching when it does not seem necessary. Maybe he is trying to get out of being the England No 1.
Mitrovic angles a header from a corner on goal and Pope finally catches the ball.
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55 mins: Maja is on for Tete, which is a very attacking sub. Fulham certainly need goals.
Some tweets on a theme:
@Will_Unwin Scott Parker looks as if he's escaped from a clothing catalogue and is modelling the medium-sized Irish Merino woollen cardigan, suitable for family barbecues or picnics.
— Francis Mead (@francismead) May 10, 2021
@Will_Unwin You've got your PL managers who try sartorially and succeed (Parker and once upon a time that Mourinho fella), and your majority who couldn't be bothered with anything other than the team colors (OGS, Dyche, et al.), or the tracksuit (Hasenhüttl, der Klopp) ...
— Kevin Simons (@kcsimons) May 10, 2021
@Will_Unwin but the real criminals are the few, the proud, who try, desperately, but fail, atrociously, sartorially—Pep, once upon a time Roberto Martinez and his zipper collection, et al. Arteta and Parker are all we have.
— Kevin Simons (@kcsimons) May 10, 2021
53 mins: Tarkowski takes down De Cordova Reid with gusto. The Burnley man is lucky to avoid a booking.
Maja is coming on from Fulham.
51 mins: Lowton proves he is better than Cafu by dribbling past three Fulham players before being whacked to the ground by Lemina.
49 mins: Lookman gets the ball back after taking a throw-in but he is stood offside. Maybe Fulham are just bad.
47 mins: Fulham are already looking to play a bit more direct, so that’s something.
Second half
Peep! Peep! Here we go again!
Matt Dony has time on his hands: “With apologies to Gary Naylor -
‘More Stella McCartney than Stellar Management’
‘More Coco Chanel than Attacks Down The Chanel.’
‘More Next Model than Next Manager of the Month’
And so on and so on, as nauseam.”
David Wall has a plan: “Instead of singing a song it’d be fun if the initiation for new players at Burnley involved them having to work out and perform an Abbott and Costello ‘Who’s on first’ style sketch involving Ben Mee. I’m sure Sean Dyche would be in favour and it would show a bit of originality rather than having the umpteenth bad rendition of some song by Oasis or Ed Sheeran.”
Loftus-Cheek and Maja on soon for Fulham? Mitrovic has been ruddy awful.
Anguissa would be very useful in a good team. That’s my analysis from tonight. Maybe Burnley could sign him.
Nice finish.
CHRIS WOOD 🔥
— Sky Sports Premier League (@SkySportsPL) May 10, 2021
The man firing Burnley to safety
📺 Watch on Sky Sports PL
📱 Follow #FULBUR here: https://t.co/SlskS1kPgD
📲 Download the @SkySports app! pic.twitter.com/A8k6vhcIKw
Half-time: Fulham 0-2 Burnley
Fulham look like a half decent team until they try to attack. Burnley are just ruthlessly efficient. I think Fulham’s Premier League stay is done and dusted.
45 mins: Two minutes added on.
GOAL! Fulham 0-2 Burnley (Wood, 44)
Fulham fail to get the ball into Burnley’s half as Mee wins a header to send it back into the final third, resulting in Brownhill laying it up for Wood to smash home from 20 yards.
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43 mins: McNeil is down after a clash of headlines. A bit of eye rubbing later and he’s back up.
Tete nips past a couple of defenders but his cross hits The Guardian’s Ben Mee in the chest.
Mee has just headed the ball 40 yards. He could win the award.
41 mins: Anguissa catches Cork on the top of his foot and goes into the book for his misdemeanour.
Vydra gets into the box after a booming header from Mee, but the striker sends his shot a few yards wide.
39 mins: This is what we’ve been waiting for.
Scott Parker - more Hugo Boss than football boss @will_unwin.
— Gary Naylor (@garynaylor999) May 10, 2021
37 mins: Can Fulham get back into this? They are on the ropes at the moment.
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GOAL! Fulham 0-1 Burnley (Westwood, 35)
A crossfield ball finds Vydra, who gets to the byline and pulls it back to an onrushing Westwood to toe poke home.
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34 mins: A McNeil corner finds Tarkowski on the edge of the six-yard box from where heads it down in the direction of Wood who cannot get enough on the ball and Fulham get away with one.
Westwood is whacked in the box by Cavaleiro but there is no penalty. I think the Fulham man is very lucky to get away with it.
32 mins: Taylor overlaps down the left and pings in a lovely cross for Wood to put his head on but it deflects off Adarabioyo and goes inches wide.
30 mins: Mee heads the ball about 20 yards up the pitch. Which Premier League player do you think could head it the furthest? Maguire? Keane?
28 mins: Lookman cuts in from the left but Burnley crowd him out, forcing the winger to whack a shot against Lowton’s ankle.
Paul Byatt brings more scenarios: “This is the more likely scenario. There’s a few draws and losses and whatnot and Fulham are mathematically relegated in a few weeks.
“However, a historian finds a rule from 1900 which states that the best dressed manager cannot be relegated from the top tier and which had never legally repealed In a bizarre twist of fate, Southampton lose all of their games and are deducted points because that same law says that scruffy oiks managing the team automatically lose points for their team and so are relegated. “
26 mins: McNeil pings a free-kick straight out for a goal-kick. Not the best.
24 mins: Robinson takes a couple of good touches on the left but his cross is poor and Burnley clear. It comes back into the box with Lookman whose shot it blocked by Mee. The resulting corner is tipped to the back post by Pope where Wood is waiting to volley clear.
22 mins: Lowton pings a deep cross to the back post where Wood is waiting to nod it back in the direction of Vydra but Adarabioyo is there to clear.
20 mins: Wood puts the ball in the back of the net after a Vydra pullback but it’s quickly ruled out as the Czech striker had run the ball out of play.
Burnley are certainly coming into this game now, having a decent amount of possession in the Fulham half.
18 mins: Mary Waltz says: “Is this a scenario that Mr. Hirst Can endure? A victory for Fulham today cuts the deficit to 6. Next fixture for Burnley is Leeds, for Fulham Southhampton it could be down to 3.Burnley v Liverpool, Fulham v MANU. Both probable losses. Final day, Burnley v Sheffield United, Fulham v Newcastle. It could come down to goal differential. Would I bet a penny on it. No. But is it possible, yes, and wouldn’t it be both terrifying for the supporters and dramatic for the neutrals. I say c’mon Fulham, give me the drama.”
Lots of scenarioing there.
16 mins: Mitrovic pushes over Tarkowski for no reason 30 yards from his own goal when defending a deep free-kick. That’s very stupid.
Burnley take the more dangerous free-kick, which finds Mee in the box but his weak header is held by Areola.
14 mins: Burnley have their first corner. It is swung out from the left, ending up with Lowton on the edge of the box but his shot is blocked by a mass of bodies.
Richard Hirst points out (re 20:11): “Except that most of Fulham’s best players are on loan!”
But clubs elsewhere will still pay a decent whack for these players.
12 mins: Cavaleiro volleys a cross from the right looking for Lookman but Tarkowski reads the danger and gets to the ball a split second before the Fulham man can open the scoring.
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10 mins: When Fulham almost certainly go down, they will sell off a number of players for a decent price. Burnley will stay up, however, and barely any of their players will attract interest. It’s a strange old world.
8 mins: A bit of lumping it up from Burnley is easily dealt with by the Fulham defence.
6 mins: Fulham are certainly having more possession here, which is unsurprising considering Burnley are looking to play very direct, as is their will. A roaming Anguissa has a shot from the edge of the area but Pope reads it and holds the shot around shoulder height.
4 mins: Fulham look intent on turning the Burnley defence which is a smart thing to do considering the pace they have on offer, not to mention Burnley’s lack of it at the back.
2 mins: Burnley’s long ball from right-back following kick-off really is a thing of beauty. They get it into the box and have a couple of half chances but Fulham clear.
Kick-off
Peep! Peep! Peep! Here we go!
Graham Lees asks: “I just checked Google Translate and areola in Filipino or French means, well, areola.
“I feel a right tit asking this, but does this cause him grief from any Fulham fans? Just curious.”
I am not sure he’s had to deal with too many Fulham fans.
I have been trying to buy a house today with limited budget, so I very much know how Sean Dyche feels about operating in the transfer market.
It’s a lovely evening in London, so no one can complain about the conditions.
Elsewhere, here is an interesting story from Nick Ames.
Parker: “It [the situation] brings the best of me, definitely. I [need to] translate that over to the team. We know the situation we are are in and what is needed tonight is a realisation of the situation we are in.
“One ingredient we will bring into this game is that fight and effort.”
Quite upset that Fulham could spend a season in the Premier League without welcoming away fans, as it is one of the great away days.
Richard Hirst emails to say: “As a Fulham supporter I’ve been drinking in the last chance saloon for so long now that I can hardly focus on the keyboard. Mary Waltz rightly says that you mustn’t give up hope until it really is all over, but as John Cleese said, I can take the despair, it’s the hope I can’t stand. Well, tonight I suspect hope and despair will both give way to resignation as relegation is confirmed. As is often said, the table doesn’t lie, but at least we’ll go down with more self-respect than two years ago. And it’ll be nice to see us win a few more games next season. COYW”
Drinking a pint of despair could get you through the first half.
Synergy.
Good luck to @BurnleyOfficial tonight. A particularly special night for Ben Mee and Sean Dyche. Congrats to Ben on his 350th appearance and to Sean Dyche on his 350th league game in charge. Incredible milestones for both! #UTC
— Alan Pace (@AlanPaceBFC) May 10, 2021
Phil Bardsley has made four appearances this season. I am convinced he’s been on the bench every week.
Pass the time by reminding yourself about Ben Mee being a good bloke.
Starting lineups
Fulham: Areola, Tete, Anderson, Adarabioyo, Robinson, Anguissa, Lemina, Cavaleiro, Lookman, De Cordova-Reid, Mitrovic
Subs: Rodak, Hector, Ream, Bryan, Aina, Onomah, Loftus-Creek, Carvalho, Maja
Burnley: Pope, Lowton, Tarkowski, Mee, Taylor, McNeil, Westwood, Cork, Brownhill, Vydra, Wood
Subs: Peacock-Farrell, Norris, Dunne, Bardsley, Gudmundsson, Stephens, Pieters, Barnes, Rodriguez
Good evening!
It all comes down to this for Fulham. A loss tonight and their season will be over. There is only one relegation spot up for grabs following West Brom’s demise yesterday and it’s Scott Parker’s team who are set to fill it if they cannot come up with the goods tonight.
All hope is not lost as Burnley aren’t particularly good. They have put in a couple of cracking performances in the second half of the season away from home, notably at Crystal Palace and Wolves but, overall, they have looked underwhelming for most of the campaign. Burnley are very beatable, so Parker et al will be confident of getting the points they need to keep things interesting, especially as the Clarets are the most-catchable, sitting fourth from bottom.
A draw would leave Fulham nine points behind Burnley with three games to play, meaning they would need the Clarets to lose all their remaining games and Fulham to win theirs.
There’s a lot riding on it tonight, so it should be a full-bloodied affair, which is good news for all of us.
Here’s to a cracker!
Kick-off: 8pm BST.
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