Preamble: Since Martin O'Neill took over 18 months ago Aston Villa have gone from the Premier League's dullest side to the foundations of Fabio Capello's England. Five squad members became four as Fab trimmed down his troops last night, but still, not a bad showing all told. Now they arrive on the banks of the Thames a victory away from drawing level with Everton in fourth place.
Fulham, meanwhile, need the points for wholly more desperate reasons. Six points adrift from safety and without a win since they beat Reading exactly three months ago. Roy Hodgson has amassed a solitary point in his four league games and it all looks about as bleak as the weather at Craven Cottage today for them.
Fulham: Niemi, Baird, Hughes, Andreasen, Hangeland, Konchesky, Bullard, Davies, Murphy, Dempsey, Nevland. Subs: Keller, Volz, Bocanegra, Kamara, McBride.
Aston Villa: Carson, Mellberg, Laursen, Davies, Bouma, Petrov, Barry, Reo-Coker, Maloney, Agbonlahor, Carew. Subs: Taylor, Harewood, Knight, Gardner, Osbourne.
There's a newbie on show: Fulham give a debut to former Manchester United and Championship Manager star Erik Nevland. Their other new signings Paul Stalteri, Jari Litmanen and Eddie Johnson will not be appearing due to tiredness and/or pain.
Naylor's preamble "I've never met a Fulham supporter I didn't like, but their club doesn't add a lot to the Premier League does it?" Muses Gary Naylor. "Should one be pleased at their forthcoming relegation or not?" I won't be losing sleep over it Gary, if that helps.
And we're away Villa are going right to left, I'll let you deduce which way Fulham are shooting. Fulham look neat and tidy... so far.
2 mins: Petrov brings down Dempsey about 25 yards out. Bullard strikes the free-kick very, very hard but Curtis Davies deflects it over. That would have stung on such a cold day.
4 mins: Corner to Villa, the greatest set-piece team since the invention of the dead-ball. It's scrambled away though.
6 mins: Dempsey has a shot from distance which skids along the turf before being taken comfortably by Carson, international class of course. "The U-21 squad includes Villa's Craig Gardner and Luke Moore. Forget Middlesbrough (and what Steve Gibson says), it's Villa that flies the flag of St. George!" Writes George Templeton, bemoaning what has come of this country (from his home in America).
9 mins: Not much happening so far to be honest.
12 mins: Corner to Fulham. Davies clips it in and Dempsey's glancing header is blocked by Bouma. Excitement.
14 mins: Agbonlahor runs away from goal refusing to pass before finally giving it to Reo-Coker, who passes the ball into touch. Barry almost gets a look at goal. But doesn't.
18 mins: Fulham are looking pretty solid so far, Villa too. Villa are looking to go over the top for Agbonlahor. So far the long balls have been about as cultured as John Beck's Cambridge circa 1991.
20 mins: Bit of pressure from Fulham. You can see what Jimmy Bullard gives them, the free-role and curly mop of Steve McManaman in Roy Evans' Liverpool.
21 mins: Simon Davies' free-kick whips beyond everyone but Erik Nevland, but he has to stretch to just head the ball over.
23 mins: "Villa will miss Young, the leading Premier assist," writes Harry Bronsdon in the kind of language that's more suited to tonight's Super Bowl. He's not wrong so far though.
25 mins: I'm not going to lie to you, this is scrappy.
27 mins: Corner to Fulham, who so far have not made much from assorted dead balls. More of the same as Dempsey fails to get it beyond the first man. Nevland then almost gets beyond Bouma but the Dutchman is too strong for him.
30 mins: Carew flicks on a goal kick and Agbonlahor's pace takes him beyond Hangeland. He gets the ball across and Niemi tips it behind but for some reason a goal-kick is given.
32 mins: Maloney dispossesses Baird, takes him on and then shoots wide when he should have passed. Up the other end Nevland lays it off to Davies who scuffs his shot at Carson.
34 mins: He's quite nippy is Maloney, if a little too fancy. Sadly, that is all I have to report at this moment.
36 mins: Baird scuffs his clearance to Maloney who, with Niemi off his line, puts the ball curling over the bar. That's the closest we've come to a goal.
39 mins: Even Andy Gray is getting despondent about this game, that tells you a lot.
40 mins: Murphy gives the ball away to Maloney who turns him and fires the ball across the box. Somehow it eludes everyone and drifts out for a goal kick. Carew should have finished that.
43 mins: Fulham are struggling to get anywhere near the Villa goal. They really lack any sort of cutting edge.
Peep-p-peep: One added minute and Agbonlahor goes past Davies who brings him down. On comes the physio and Fabio Capello begins to worry. It'll probably be ok though, they'll check him out at half-time. Petrov's free-kick drifts through to Niemi and that is all we have for you. Pretty poor stuff so far, I imagine you've picked that up.
Half-time: Fulham 0-0 Aston Villa Both teams will not be too unhappy with that, though fans of attacking football might have a thing or two to complain about. I think D:Ream wrote a song about times like this.
Disaster strikes! Gabriel Agbonlahor has pulled his hamstring and will probably be out of the England game on Wednesday. As if it wasn't bad enough, Marlon Harewood has replaced him (for Villa not England thankfully).
Dancing badger and kick-off news Fulham's badger mascot delays the kick-off by breakdancing in the corner. Chris Foy escorts him off before we get going again. Harewood gets down the right and knocks it across the box but Carew can't get to it. An exciting re-start, all things considered.
48 mins: Maloney knocks a free-kick in with Young-like whip but it fails to contact a Villa head. This is much better.
50 mins: Aston Villa are trying to hit Carew and he is winning most of it in the air. It just isn't falling for Harewood. At the other end Erik Nevland is more isolated than the Isle of Mull.
52 mins: Konchesky flights it in from the left and Dempsey rises to head just wide. The best chance of the game. Up the other end and Carew shoots over from distance.
54 mins: Laursen heads across the box but there is no Villa player there to finish it.
56 mins: The atmosphere lifts as Brian McBride begins his warm up. It's come to that.
59 mins: The intensity has dropped back to first-half levels until Villa force a corner, they're good at these I've heard. But Maloney hits the first man.
61 mins: Another corner for Villa but again it is cleared. Fulham have done well with them today.
63 mins: Bouma fouls Dempsey on the right when the ball is clearly already out. He's none too happy and gets booked.
65 mins: Carew brings the ball down wonderfully before spooning it into the crowd. The sublime followed by the ridiculous, like Parklife followed by The Great Escape.
67 mins: Substitutes must be in the offing soon, no?
GOAL! Fulham 0-1 Villa (Hughes o.g 68) Petrov's shot is deflected wide and Villa have another corner. Maloney hits it in low and Mellberg flicks it on with his heel. Hughes, once of Villa, sticks a foot out and knocks it into his own net. Deserved? No. Predicable? Oh yes.
70 mins: Another corner for Villa and it evades everyone. Laursen comes steaming in and volleys over wildly. Would have been his seventh of the season.
GOAL! Fulham 1-1 Villa (Davies 72) Dempsey gets the ball out on the right and whips it across the face of goal. Simon Davies steams in ahead of everyone and guides it past Carson.
74 mins: Barry comes forward and spreads it to Maloney. His shot (about his tenth of the game) is blocked and Barry is brought down as he chases it down. Maloney whips the free-kick in from the edge of the box and Niemi palms it wide.
76 mins: Fulham get a free-kick on the right and it bobbles down to Hangeland who toepokes the ball straight at Carson when he really should have done more. Up the other end it almost falls for Carew but the tireless Simon Davies wins the ball back for Fulham.
79 mins: Dempsey off for Kamara."If you think that Parklife to Great Escape is sublime to the ridiculous you are almost definitely a luddite idiot," says Paul Beaumont, who is obviously a fan of the sonic experimentalism of Yuko and Hero and Stereotypes.
82 mins: Bullard almost gets the ball into McBride but Bouma stretches to head clear.
GOAL! Fulham 2-1 Villa (Bullard 86): I think there is another goal in this, though don't ask me which way. As I write that (honestly) Kamara goes past England's Curtis Davies, who cuts him down and rightly gets a yellow card. Free-kick to Fulham 25-yards out. Bullard curls it over the wall and past Carson, who should maybe have got there. What a turnaround.
88 mins: I'm blaming Scott Carson for that. Gardner is now on for Bouma and he lays it back for Mellberg to cross for Carew, who heads it over the bar. "If Marlon Harewood plays international football he can take my first born's virginity," says Paul Beaumont generously.
89 mins: Fulham playing it into the corner and they must do so for three added minutes.
90 + 1 mins: Simon Davies catches Marlon Harewood's heels and is quite harshly booked. Niemi almost misjudges a ball into the box but claims the ball.
Peep peep peeeeeep! Whistles ring around Craven Cottage and finally Phil Dowd joins in and Fulham claim the three points. How? I'm not sure. But they have finally shown the guts in the final minutes that have been lacking all season. Here's to Jimmy Bullard.
That's it and Fulham are three-points from safety, the same number keeping Villa from the Champions League. All set up nicely for the rest of the season, I'll leave you to enjoy that while I head for a flapjack. Cheers for your emails, even the ones that questioned my musical judgement. Bye.
