GETTING A TUNE OUT OF THE TOON
On Monday night, those of us who still enjoy watching football and haven’t been ground down and numbed by the absolute pointlessness of it all – sport, life, whatever else you’ve got – were treated to a dazzling display of the noble game. Those of us who didn’t actually schlepp to Stoke gathered around our preferred viewing device to watch – our telly, computer or mobile telephone*; the window of someone who owns a telly, computer or mobile telephone; the telly, computer or mobile telephone of the policeman who nicked us for staring through someone’s window again. On our devices we watched Tottenham and the Flying Hotspurs put on a clinic of attacking football, tearing Stoke so many new ones that they’re basically just holes now, making us clap with delight like slightly simple seals. Sure, Stoke might as well have played wearing swimming bands and with little umbrellas in their Gatorade, but even so, sweet fancy Moses they were good, and that was a bloody fine way to spend a Monday night.
And so, from the sublime to the Newcastle. On Tuesday night, the day after the broadcasting gods provided us with the finest young footballing sprites the nation has to offer, we are in contrast given the wheezing, flatulent old boots from St James’ Park. A team so lumpen and hopeless that even one of the best managers in the world last week seemed to have taken one look, sucked his teeth briefly before curtly shaking his head, turning on his heels and declaring them a lost cause. But wait! The weekend delivered the cruellest thing of all – hope. Hope, provided by a victory, one of those ‘win’ things the Toon had been reading about in the news, as Rafa Benítez’s C’Mon Toon Army (yep, still weird he’s their manager) gave Swansea a sound hoying and provided a glimmer of a chance that they might be able to avoid relegation, when relegation looked so unavoidable. Another victory this evening would, remarkably enough, take them out of the relegation zone and (perhaps briefly) into the pool of serenity that is, erm, not the relegation zone.
Ah, but the catch. There’s always a catch. Their opponents are Manchester City, a team who for the most part this season have been stumbling around like a man trying to find his glasses, but have all of a sudden found the spectacles and are seeing clearly again. What a curious thing it would and could be if this season, in which they have been largely utter trousers, City ended up finishing in a half-respectable third place and winning two trophies, including Big Cup. Weird. “I think it will be a challenge for them just to play against Manchester City,” said Benítez about the prospect of facing Manuel Pellegrini’s boys, “and also with it being on TV and I think that you have a lot of extra motivation because we won the other day. I’m sure a lot of them will see this opportunity to get out of the bottom three and it will be massive. Each player will have his own ideas, his own mentality.”
That could be a potentially quite damaging thing to say, on the basis that those ideas and mentality are the reason Newcastle are in this piping hot mess, but while there’s still hope, they will battle on. Maybe they’ll even offer us a similarly delicious platter of football as Tottenham managed, sashaying through the cool north-east night and taking their fancier opponents to the absolute cleaners. For Harry Kane, Christian Eriksen and Dele Alli read Moussa Sissoko, Andros Townsend and Papiss Ci … oh, well, erm, yes, fair enough. When you put it like that, let’s not get too excited about it actually.
* And if anyone can explain the difference between watching live footer on a phone and actual, genuine magic, we’re all ears.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Simon Burnton from 7.45pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Newcastle 1-1 Manchester City.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s a busy time for the club as we’ve got some big fixtures coming up so to say it’s inconvenient is an understatement” – a Ross County spokesman on news that the club’s official website has been accidentally deleted.
MÍCHEL MA BELLE?
6 April: “As regards the short term, I’m reassured by the professionalism and the willingness of Míchel to successfully complete this end of the season, with all his strength and energy. I’m convinced that with his qualities as a competitor at the highest level and his great experience, he will allow the players to express themselves fully on the pitch without fear or stress in order to allow them to finish the league honourably and, why not, to win the Coupe de France” – Marseille owner Margarita Louis-Dreyfus backs her coach to see out the season.
19 April: “Olympique de Marseille have suspended Míchel with immediate effect and summoned him to a pre-redundancy interview” – ah.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
FIVER LETTERS
“Why would Craig Gordon expect an advantage by telling opposing players he’s already seen their penalties (yesterday’s Quote of the Day)? This is helpful information to the penalty taker, and may be an explanation if takers placed their penalties in a location different to usual. Talk about footballers not being very bright” – Jordan Glossop.
“I read that the Dutch FA is working on a masterplan to orchestrate a return to the top of world football. This included speaking to experts, such as Arsène Wenger. Apparently he told them that they performed really well for a time, but that they dropped the ball the last couple of years, and have therefore fallen behind the competition. They truly did manage to find an expert from the field (see link if you happen to read Dutch)” – Harry Gilbert.
“I’ve been looking through the laws of the game to ascertain the precise ruling on what differentiates a ‘coming together’ from a foul, but – alas! – the game’s rulers appear not to have the advanced understanding displayed by so many of our top pundits and make no reference to the legal status of a ‘coming together’. In the specific case of Sunday’s ‘coming together’ (yesterday’s Fiver), I’m curious to know how many Fiver readers think they would be able to stay on their feet if Andy Carroll ran into them at full pelt” – Michael Hann, Big Paper/Website Music Ed.
“Re: Leicester v West Ham (yesterday’s Fiver). It cannot be right to lay the blame for other people’s actions on the referee. For me it’s a bit like an axe murderer. The police exist to stop axe murderers and keep society safe. However, through their formative years it is to be hoped that most people are taught that axe murdering is wrong and chopping people up is not a good thing or the right way to win an argument. If everyone ignores that and we all run around axe murdering, it doesn’t make for easy policing or a nice afternoon in the park. The referee is by far the lowest paid individual on the pitch and is in a minority of one, yet we expect him to successfully police 22 people who are purely about the equivalent of axe murdering. We need to expect more from the super rich individuals who line their pockets every week with seemingly no moral compass. It’s not on, not really” – Marten Allen.
“I still have not acclimated to the clean, svelte lines of your tea-timely publication. I yearn for the olden days, when I first began reading your missives, around three years go, or roughly when Chelsea was first founded. Any chance you’ll go back?” – Seth Kleinschmidt [the email’s not for turning – Fiver Techies].
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Jordan Glossop.
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BITS AND BOBS
Manchester City won’t decide what to do with Yaya Touré until the end of the season, presumably because they want him to still put a shift in before then.
Fitness fanatic Gabriel Agbonlahor has been suspended by Aston Villa after pictures emerged allegedly showing him not a million miles away from what may or may not have been some laughing gas canisters.
Nasty Leeds have piled absolutely no added pressure on their squad for next season by promising to offer fans up to 50% off the price of their season tickets when the club fail to reach the play-offs next season. Because their future fiscal planning has always been so strong.
Barcelona boss Luis Enrique has stuck his fingers in his ears so he doesn’t hear anything he doesn’t want to hear and blurted: “I’m convinced we’re going to win the league, if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be sat here … this is my style, I don’t care if you don’t like it.”
Bobby M says Tony Hibbert isn’t fit enough to bust out his skills for Everton in the Merseyside derby. Boo! Although he did say this week would be a defining one for himself and his phenomenal side. “We need our fans more than ever. This week is our opportunity to show how good we can be,” he roared.
National Football Museum janitors are currently busy making space for Nottingham Forest’s double big Cup-winning team, who are being lined up for a place in the hall of fame.
And West Ham co-chief suits Gollivan have complained of having been pelted by bad words during Sunday’s 2-2 draw at the King Power Stadium. “Elderly Leicester fans turned into monsters when WHU went 2-1 up then returned to nice old people when LCFC equalised,” one half of them dged.
STILL WANT MORE?
David Squires on … Jamie Vardy and diving in football.
Nick Miller got all hot and bothered when he was writing this piece about Harry Kane. The reason? Because he came to the conclusion that the Spurs striker is showing why he is England’s best forward since Alan Shearer.
On a subject close to Shearer’s heart, Gregg Bakowski tells us all to lay off Jon Moss.
Sean Dyche is demanding clarity from his Burnley troops to ensure Middlesbrough blink first in the Championship title battle, writes Paul Wilson.
This week’s Gallery features Randy Lerner as, um, a randy learner.
Win! Win! Win! We’ve a pair of (home) tickets to Sunderland v Arsenal on Sunday up for grabs.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
