How do you spot a teenager? Tell-tale signs include a bottle of Lambrini, an extremely questionable haircut and a scowl so pronounced it could be the by-product of a moderate stroke.
In 1978, however, the teenager was a new breed of animal. This surly, monosyllabic human being was a relative mystery to its Spam-eating, postwar parents. This week’s Observer Magazine explores the BO-scented minutiae of what it is to be a teen and how to keep the pesky buggers under control.
I’ve condensed the main points as follows:
1. Don’t give them money to do chores; they will not do anything again without bribery.
2. Don’t let boy or girl ‘friends’ stay the night without parental supervision or they will get pregnant and die.
3. Under no circumstances let them get a motorbike or they will certainly die.
4. If your teenager is considering taking a gap year, secure them a university place without their knowledge – they will thank you in the long run.
5. If you smell cannabis in their bedroom, call your GP immediately, but do not tell the police – a criminal record is quite a hindrance.
Ah, to be a teen again: the gut-wrenching intensity, the days whiled away on grass verges drinking warm cider and discussing the meaning of life and body hair – it was hard, wasn’t it? Well, it was even harder in the 70s, guys.
My favourite pearls of wisdom, however, are these two genius tips on how to ‘trick your teenager’ into not drinking:
First: ‘If there isn’t a tidal wave of free drink overwhelming the house, then they are not going to soak in it.’ And secondly: ‘We encourage them to make a fruit punch. They get just as “high” in all the dramas, relationships and moods of their music-dominated celebrations.’
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