As part of the silly season, for the Observer Magazine of 31 August 1980 the inestimable Clive James was asked to gauge whether visitors to Madame Tussauds in London were getting their money’s worth when it came to their waxworks of contemporary celebrities. While praising its work on historical subjects, the answer from his selection was a resounding no.
But there’s a lot to be said for the sheer comedy value of the off-kilter lookalike. It was a shame when Louis Tussauds House of Wax in Great Yarmouth, Norfolk – which had attained a well-deserved cult status owing to how unheimlich the models were – closed down in 2013. Clearly, the real thing, as it were, was just as capable of getting it all wrong.
Take Humphrey Bogart, for example. ‘Meant to look like Humphrey Bogart, this creation doesn’t even look like the man who looks like Humphrey Bogart,’ writes James. ‘It looks more like Yves Montand half-consumed by ants… What it doesn’t look like is Humphrey Bogart.’
Most disturbing of all was Marilyn Monroe, who looks like, well… an android sex doll. ‘This effigy is startling not just for its total lack of resemblance to Marilyn Monroe,’ concludes James, ‘but for the way it is holding on to its own wig, which might otherwise be blown away by the gale of laughter from the customers.’
From the world of film to a famous painter. ‘This is a very good representation of an artist,’ begins James hopefully, ‘who does not look like David Hockney. Note the care which has been taken to make sure that you won’t mistake the mouth, eyes or jawline for similar features belonging to David Hockney.’
But some of the waxworks were improvements on the real thing, he says: ‘The Prince of Wales should sue. His ears are merely prominent.’
