1 Brexit strategy?
Britain may have voted for Brexit almost two months ago, but we don’t have an exit strategy in place, let alone plans for what R&B singer Miguel has termed “a beautiful exit”. Apparently, civil servants charged with the task of effecting the move have been spotted in the local Starbucks, where reports state that EU ministers have been overheard humming Coffee Blues by Mississippi John Hurt. Over half the population demanded that Brexit should be acted upon in the referendum, but according to the Guardian: “The government does not know what it wants and is not yet equipped to ask for it.” All they do know for sure is that extricating the UK from Europe will be a monumental undertaking and that the ramifications remain uncertain. Or, to paraphrase constitutional expert Gary Kemp, only when we leave, we’ll leave in danger, and they’ll make sure that we pay.
2 GB runners-up in Rio
Great Britain won more medals in Rio than at any other Olympics for over a century, coming second only to the US. This means we are now a “sporting superpower”, according to Liz Nicholl, the chief executive of the funding agency UK Sport, which has poured £274m into Olympic sport over four years. By following the advice of US pentathlete R Kelly and believing they can variously fly and touch the sky, British sportsmen and women are on target to achieve even greater success at Tokyo 2020, even if this means they will be required to work till they’re musclebound all night long. Our performance this year is in stark contrast with the Atlanta Olympics of 1990, when Britain finished 36th in the medal table and UK athletes’ bodies were generally decreed to be weak.
3 Women promised top Labour jobs
Women seeking a path of victory regarding their position in the Labour party will be emboldened by news that Jeremy Corbyn and Owen Smith have promised to change party rules to ensure that, in future, there will be at least one woman in post as the leader or deputy leader of the party. Some, however, may feel that this is a concessionary, almost tokenistic move on their part and, furthermore, that it’s too late, especially considering the Conservatives are already on to their second female PM. Many female Labour MPs were disappointed that a chance to have a woman as leader was lost when Smith knocked Angela Eagle out of the competition against Corbyn. And critics have complained that all three of the party’s mayoral candidates for the elections next year are male. It’s the kind of situation that might cause a passing Kelis to scream, “I hate you so much right now!”
4 Poor writing on the wall for students
Poor handwriting and use of the wrong colour pen may be hampering students’ chances of exam success, according to complaints from examiners marking this year’s papers. There are not just concerns that exam markers might be unable to read pupils’ writing but wider fears that writing in general is suffering. It has even been argued that Alex Chilton of the Box Tops would have failed to have got back to his baby once-a more had the handwriting in his famous letter been insufficiently clear to make out the message vis-à-vis her not being about to “live without me no more”. (Although a member of the AQA exam board did also stress that Chilton’s gruff, rumbly vocal might have been a further barrier to communication.) As tens of thousands of pupils await their GCSE results, due on Thursday, an examiners’ report for AQA has highlighted the struggles that markers face with onscreen evaluation and illegible answers. The report added: “Very small or faint handwriting can be difficult to read and may lead to issues when examiners are awarding marks.” Those using blue ink or ballpoint pens are strenuously urged to go darker, although suggestions that they paint it black have been dismissed as ludicrous.
5 North Korea gets video on demand
As Dinah Washington said, TV is the thing this year. It is every year. And yet, perhaps heeding the warning from Bruce Springsteen that there are 57 channels (and nothin’ on), the North Korean authorities have agreed to sanction a Netflix-style video-on-demand service. Despite initial excitement that the service would have a similar libertarian policy to its US counterpart – the set-top box, after all, is named Manbang – it is likely to only have programmes of serious and educational merit. And so, instead of supernatural thrillers and goofball musical romcoms, North Koreans will be offered documentaries about the Kim dynasty and language tuition, state broadcaster Korea Central Television reported. In addition, there will be state-sanctioned news and information about the activities of Kim Jong-un and Juche ideology. Just nothing involving crystal meth or lesbian prisoners.
