Name: Tomasz Schafernaker.
Age: 38.
Appearance: Sunny.
Who or what is he? Apart from a terrible, or possibly excellent, Scrabble hand? He’s just been voted the nation’s favourite weather forecaster.
Really? Is he very good at his job? Umm … Yeah, sure.
You don’t sound too convinced. No, I am – he is, he just gets into trouble occasionally.
How do you mean? Well, there was the time he had to apologise after referring to the Outer Hebrides and Western Isles as “Nowheresville”.
The consistent humourlessness of this world is a constant joy. What else? He accidentally referred to the “muddy shite” of Glastonbury in 2009 instead of “muddy site” and was beset by giggles thereafter.
I’m liking him more and more. What else? He was caught on camera jokingly giving the middle finger to a colleague and looking horrified when he realised it was being broadcast.
Excellent! And last year he failed to finish the Radio 4 shipping forecast because he had to go off and puke.
Poor love! Was it some kind of stunt? Had he been sent out on an actual ship to do it? Sea-sickness is a terrible thing. No, he was on terra firma. It happened a few hours after a BBC Christmas party – which his agent said he did not attend.
He sounds a hoot and a half! No wonder he’s Britain’s favourite forecaster! He’s also hot.
Is he? He should change into some shorts or something then. You’d think he of all people would be able to dress appropriately for the weather. No, I mean – he’s very handsome.
Oh, I see. Well, that’s nice. And he has a cracking body.
Are we allowed to say that? And how do you know? He doesn’t present half-naked, does he? That’s why we’re Brexiting, to get away from all that European-type stuff. No. He wears a suit.
I’m relieved. But he did appear in just short-shorts on the cover of gay magazine Attitude Active, revealing a very lovely gym-honed torso.
That’s taking public service broadcasting to a new level. The licence fee looks better value than ever.
Do say: “I hope a warm front moves in.”
Don’t say: “I wonder what Michael Fish kept hidden under HIS suit?”
