To: Everyone who’s ever Googled our names. There’s no escaping us now
From: The Democratic 2020 candidates
Subject: Re: URGENT: Friend, it’s time to celebrate and/or panic
Friend,
Thanks to grassroots donations from grassroots people like you, this grassroots campaign is growing into an indestructible grassroots behemoth.
The good news is we’re 100% going to win this fight. But unless you donate right now, we are definitely going to lose.
Let me be clear, friend:
I knew when we started this campaign in the middle of a Kansas cyclone, having arrived by pickup truck from rust belt Pennsylvania via small-town Ohio, carrying a hitchhiker’s bindle full of old-fashioned American values – I knew right then that we were in the fight of our lives. We have a saying where I come from in real America, a state chock-full of regular folks: “If’n ya miss tonight’s FEC deadline, you can say bye, now, to your presidential hopes.” Paw said it nearly every day.
I knew the stakes were higher than an Iowa cornfield: we’ve got a bully in the Oval Office who wants to eat us like a Quarter Pounder with cheese. And it’s not just him we’re taking on: it’s big oil, big pharma, big tech, big dogs and Big Little Lies. But they can’t keep us down. I grew up tough as nails in one of the most relatable parts of the country. My parents, first-generation immigrants descended from revolutionary war heroes, died in a Skee-ball accident when I was five, and I had to raise myself and my 34 siblings in a pillow fort I made between shifts at the American flag factory. But we never gave up – not when little Bobby lost his job at the steel mill, not when Janie was canceled on Twitter, not even when the Grinch repeatedly stole Christmas.
And today, friend, we’ve built a historic, grassroots effort, from Pittsburgh to another swing-state city beginning with P, and absolutely nothing can stop our momentum. But there are only 47 seconds left until tonight’s fundraising deadline, and we need 283,354 more donations or this campaign will be over faster than the impeachment trial.
Only you can save us now. Will you chip in $2.70? Or $15.37? Or something normal like $5? If you do, we’ll send you a bumper sticker, a fridge magnet, and our firstborn child.
We need your support more than ever – even more than we needed it three hours ago when we said that in the last email. That’s why our messages vacillate wildly from unbridled triumph to despairing guilt-tripping.
Remember: This is the most crucial election of our lifetimes, though it wouldn’t be if we’d won the previous one. Sorry about that.
Thank you for everything you do,
The 2020 candidates
PS. That re: in the subject line totally got your attention, didn’t it?
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