It's the age old problem, the transfer window is closed and the next available opportunity for players to move clubs will be in four months' time, just how are newspapers expected to fill their sports pages with baseless hearsay and needless gossip? After all, no one wants to read about next January, a time so far in the future that the free world will be ruled by an old man and his hockey mom henchwoman, no one will remember why there was so much fuss surrounding Glasvegas and rumours will persist that Gus Poyet is not happy with his role as Newcastle manager. Worry not editors, just follow the Mill's simple four point plan and you will have no trouble filling your back pages for the next few months.
1. Go to town on rumours about managers. Unlike those poor, enslaved players, managers can join and leave clubs whenever they like (although it may cost them £2m for the privilege if Mike Ashley gets his way). So, with Kevin Keegan barely reacquainted with the tightrope walkers at his Soccer Circus, the time is right for every paper in the western world to write that Tottenham Hotspur's head translator, sorry, assistant manager, Gus Poyet is going to be the next Newcastle manager. For he so enjoyed being bossed around by Dennis Wise at Leeds that he wants to do it again, but slightly further north.
Meanwhile, down at Upton Park the shortlist has been narrowed down to six names, and underlined in capital letters at the top are the words Gianfranco Zola. But before the people of Britain can reacquaint themselves with the tiny Italian, he will have to go through the formality of proving he is more suitable for the job than the other candidates, including Roberto Mancini, Roberto Donadoni, Alan Pardew (no, come on, even the Mill refuses to buy that one) and Gerard Houllier, a man who really needs to work on his interview technique with the amount of jobs he's missed out on in the last year.
2. Talk about loan deals and free transfers. A pretty simple formula this one, just put the word "loan" in the middle of your rumour or "who is currently a free agent" at the end and suddenly you've got a genuine sounding piece of tittle-tattle. Here are some examples: Tottenham's Kevin Prince Boateng is considering a LOAN move to Birmingham, meanwhile Derby and Ipswich have both launched LOAN bids for Stoke's Danny Shawcross, at the Emirates Arsène Wenger has been offered the chance to sign Ghana captain Stephen Appiah, WHO IS CURRENTLY A FREE AGENT, and finally Sarah Palin once … no wait, not even the use of the words loan or free agent will convince the Mill to repeat that one.
3. Just talk about next January anyway. Don't worry, no one will notice. Much like Christmas, transfer gossip is getting earlier every year. So it is perfectly fine to report that when Liverpool renew their interest in Gareth Barry (yes, that old chestnut) in January Martin O'Neill will replace him with Joey Barton (Boo hiss! More of this baddie later). And do you remember when QPR used to be the new Chelsea? Well, they are still around and they want to complete a cut-price deal for Ben Watson from Crystal Palace. In January, of course. Of course, if you are really struggling, why not start a rumour about the previous transfer window? Just make sure it is a really good one, like the news that Yossi Benayoun rejected a £3.5m signing on fee and the chance to double his wages at Spartak Moscow so that he could remain on the Liverpool bench.
4. Slag off Joey Barton Apparently he spent yesterday driving his Range Rover (planet killer!) through red lights and bus lanes. And we always thought he was such a nice boy.
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