HELLO OLD FRIEND
The Fiver has simple dreams. We do not ask for much in life. A roof over our head, a pile of rags in the corner to sleep in, and a steady supply of Tin to block out the worst of the darkness. Sometimes, if we’re lucky, we’ll find a half-eaten sandwich in a skip for sustenance, before realising it’s not in fact a skip but rather a pop-up pulled pork emporium, and a hipster wearing half a hat and an ironic Mel and Kim T-shirt holding out his tattooed hand and asking for £13.50.
Another of the simple things in life we ask for is, for a couple of days at least, to be free from the dull fridge-buzz that is discussion of England, Wayne Rooney, or England and Wayne Rooney. And because it loves us, because it loves all of us, the Premier League is here to help us out. For the interminable grind of international football is gone (for a bit) and the interminable grind of domestic football is here again. So what have we got in store? Well, for a start, Claudio Ranieri will briefly pause being a football manager and become a walking art exhibit, the theme being ‘Living Well Is The Best Revenge’, as he returns to Stamford Bridge as Premier League champion, contented and happy. Meanwhile, his old employers Chelsea wrestle with their confused identity, and the horrible sensation of not being able to cope without Plain Old John Terry, 76, despite their desperation to cast aside this crutch but being unable to, like Tony Soprano and Dr Melfi. Elsewhere in London Bob Bradley, a man with a stare that could slice through kevlar, takes charge of his first Swansea game, at Arsenal. Under normal circumstances this would have a 2-0 home win (Sánchez 76, Giroud 89) written all over it but, when the Swans’ new manager is someone who looks like he could knock out a bear if he wanted, anything is possible.
We also have Manchester City v Everton, less a football match and more an ideal opportunity for Ronald Koeman to take Pep Guardiola aside and ask him for the digits of Barcelona’s decision-makers and, if not, to pass them on a message. Nothing fancy, just “Ronald says hi, and have you changed your phone number by the way because I’m having trouble getting hold of you?” Then in Stoke there’s the Ennui Derby, as Sunderland come to town, where both David Moyes and Ailsa from Home and Away can swap stories about being canned by either side of Manchester, just to take their minds of things really. Tottenham play West Brom for the first time since that second half at the back end of last season, when the bottom abruptly dropped out of their season and the wheels flamboyantly came off. Presumably Mauricio Pochettino’s main concern is that his players have got over their PTSD from that one. And then there’s Crystal Palace v West Ham, where Handsome Pards will dance around his vanquished opponent before belatedly remembering there might be a job going at the FA soon, and he could do with maintaining some dignity. Still, when you’re the king, you can do what you want.
Last but almost certainly least, Mike Phelan, bless him, has finally been told he can take his coat off and stay at Hull, safe in the knowledge that he was definitely the club’s first choice and they absolutely weren’t just making doubly sure they couldn’t get anyone better in. He’ll celebrate with a trip to the south coast, where Bournemouth will be waiting. So there we go. That should keep the darkness at bay for a couple of days. Until Monday when everyone starts talking about Rooney again. Oh god.
BREAKING NEWS
Ched Evans has been found not guilty at his retrial of raping a 19-year-old waitress in a hotel room after a drunken night out with former club-mates. Evans spent two and a half years in prison for rape but his original conviction was quashed by the appeal court following a high-profile and well-funded campaign by family and friends that included the offer of a £50,000 reward for information leading to his acquittal. In a statement read outside the court by his solicitor, Evans said he was “overwhelmed with relief” following the verdict. He thanked his friends and family, “most notably my fiancee, Natasha, who chose, perhaps incredibly, to support me in my darkest hour”. Evans stood by his lawyer shaking as the statement concluded: “While my innocence has now been established, I wish to make it clear that I wholeheartedly apologise to anyone who might have been affected by the events of the night in question.”
The appeal was allowed after judges gave the go-ahead for two former sexual partners of the alleged victim to give explicit evidence in court about her sex life, a rare move that is being widely condemned by women’s support groups and campaigners. One group, Women Against Rape (WAR), told the Guardian the decision “drove a coach and horses” through legislation designed to protect victims and could stop other abused women coming forward for fear they would be quizzed about their sex lives.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Forty-eight hours between two games – how does this work? And then you will sit there and say ‘You didn’t perform too well, how did this happen?’ or ‘Injuries. Oh?’ and then this Dutch guy says ‘The training is not too good’. How do you prepare a team for this? It doesn’t sound like it is right” – when not busy riffing on Raymond V, Jürgen Klopp gets his pop on about the Christmas fixture list – trotting out the chestnut that such a tightly-packed festive schedule is the reason England fail at major tournaments. Then again, Liverpool do have to play twice in 46 hours.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
If you find yourself with a spare 25 minutes … come on, you read The Fiver, of course you’ll have a spare 25 minutes … then do watch the latest offering from the new Guardian documentary series: Desert Fire, on the Kurdistan football team and the ‘rebel’ World Cup.
FIVER LETTERS
“In light of all this chat about expanding the World Cup, I believe the answer is staring us all in the face. Simply expand the World Cup finals to all 209 eligible national teams so it’s really super-inclusive but remove the boring old qualification phase. The catch is that you might need to extend the tournament window from four weeks to probably around two or three years, and possibly play the tournament games on a more global basis. Although, here’s a thought, to make it extra special you take the final 32 teams and make them play in a host country for a short period. In practice this bit might need more thought” – James Nott.
“Far be it from me to defend the new-again manager of Derby County, but Steve McClaren didn’t really drive their form over a cliff, Thelma and Louise-style (yesterday’s Fiver), last time he was there. In his first season he got them to the play-off final, where they should really have beaten QPR, and the next season they missed out on the play-offs in the last match of the season (admittedly having had a less-than-perfect run-in) after which he was invited to calculate the square root of one, then do it. Mind you, if his second-coming at FC Twente is anything to go by, the same calculation is likely to be called for by the end of this season. Still, Sunderland will probably be looking for a manager by then, giving him the chance to manage a third north-east club, before completing his clean sweep at Hartlepool” – Martyn Wilson.
“All the fans on Twitter getting irate about Anthony Taylor living too close to one of the teams playing in Monday night’s Liverpool v Manchester United match (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) are absolutely right to do so. Clearly, the 36 miles between Wythenshawe and Anfield are far too few to guarantee impartiality” – Will Wardley.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … James Nott.
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BITS AND BOBS
Southampton fans will probably be rushing to social media and declaring they’re #AMF because not only have they been robbed of a Boxing Day game, but they must then play three in six days. At least the players can have an extra slice of turkey on Christmas Day, so swings and roundabouts.
José Mourinho is looking forward to being the pantomine villain at Anfield on Monday night but has urged supporters not to cross the line by chanting about the Hillsborough or Munich disasters. “In football we have some football tragedies … and you can make fun of it in a positive way,” he said. “But the human tragedy is something much more serious.”
QPR have given Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink their full support after an investigation into remarks he made to undercover reports from the Telegraph, “who failed to provide the club with the information requested”.
Ronald Koeman, another of those Dutch guys, has had a second pop at Martin O’Neill in as many weeks, saying the Republic O’Ireland manager was “killing” James McCarthy by playing him twice in four days last week. It should be pointed out that McCarthy suffered no adverse reaction to the groin-knack that ruled him out for six weeks and has indeed improved his fitness by playing both games.
And sticking to a similar script, Ailsa from Home and Away is unhappy with Wales for “compromising” Joe Allen, who picked up hamstring-twang while trying to help his team to their first World Cup since 1958.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
AC Jimbo shares some absolutely scandalous views about Temple of Doom in the latest Football Weekly Extra, the absolute monster. Kali ma!!
STILL WANT MORE?
How are the Premier League title contenders (and Everton) shaping up so far? Our writers get their Black & Decker Cordless 18Vs out and have a drill down [other power tools are available – Fiver Ed].
Jacob Steinberg on Daniel Mood … sorry, Sturridge.
This week’s Joy of Six is on managerial debuts, courtesy of Paul Doyle.
The task at hand for Swansea’s Bob Bradley, courtesy of Stuart James.
Andy Hunter is talking goalkeepers. Specifically, Liverpool’s Loris Karius.
Neil Warnock has his eyes on a record eighth promotion, having taken over at Cardiff. Honk! Here’s Nick Miller.
Fans have their say on proposals for an ‘Atlantic league’.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
