I have become obsessed with the names of wifi networks that spring on to my iPhone screen as I move about London. Who, I wonder, is the mysterious "Panty-thief" near Dalston Junction?
A few years ago, a study by British psychologist Helen Petrie found that our email passwords fall into four genres: "family-oriented"; "fans" who use a famous person's name; "fantasists" who choose a word with sexual connotations; and "cryptics" who select a random string of letters and numbers.
Wifi network naming appears to follow a similar pattern, so I took a stroll around Hackney, east London, to see what it might say about my neighbours. Beginning on Albion Drive, I found a fair number of "cryptics" but also pantsnet and The Return of Jizz, before turning on to Malvern Road where there was The Freaky Jason, batflaps and Cunning Stunt. Malvern meets Middleton Road, which yielded disappointingly little of note besides Daddyworld.
On Queensbridge Road, a main thoroughfare, it was all rather straitlaced: Raru, evah, 244, before the more inspiring Baked Bread and the intriguing oo vudge welcome. Lavender Grove had lavender_love, hillybilly2 and luckydog. Around the corner on Mapledene Road it was pretty factual: paul, Amanda, barcelona. And on Lenthall Road, I found not only cracknet and Jones Family, but also thegirls and batchelors.
Just what does it say about my neighbours? Well, while Lavender Grove is apparently a hub of family values, and God only knows what goes on on Malvern, I appear to live on a street of cryptics and fantasists. I'm not sure conversations over the garden fence will ever be the same again.
