ATTENTION Love Island bosses: we have a severe emergency situation. The villa is running dangerously low on its supplies....
Not of make-up, fake tan, water bottles or tuna melts (real or metaphorical).
....But of something far more essential: decent, likeable guys.
In fact, if they don’t restock the villa with some fresh, erm, meat soon, it’s going to be a really rotten time ahead for the girls.
For, face it, the boys’ collective bad behaviour last night would leave a bad taste in anyone’s mouth.
Let’s start with the biggest rotter of all - Jake.
First comes the indisputable fact: He’s punching with Liberty. Yet for some reason he deludedly appears to think it’s actually the other way around.
We had the classless, bum-flashing, punching the air, lads-on-the-lash-in-Magaluf-esque display of machismo when he was voted into the Hideaway.
Then the oh-so-charming tentpole-in-the-shorts joke with the boys. Subtle, sophisticated and seductive, Jake is not.
Once inside, the 24-year-old water engineer appeared to have positioned the fluffy rug over his lap during her striptease, before picking up what I imagine was a bottle of essential oil and declaring with the class of an Club 18-30’s holiday rep: “Ah, Strawberry lube!”
How romantic.
Still, Liberty, 21, seemed smitten the next morning until that is, her beloved bedfellow dropped another bomb. If another blonde girl came in, he’d “give her the time of day to get to know her as well”.
To echo the words of an outraged Kaz, “Excuse me??”
Who are you kidding Jake?
“What else could he get from a man that I’m not giving him?” Nando’s waitress and student Liberty wailed, in a statement to make feminism regress a fair few decades.
I don’t know Lib. Perhaps you really put your foot in your mouth when you discussed his penchant for getting hot and sweaty (and not in a good way) over brunch.
Or maybe.... the problem was you didn’t put your foot in his mouth.
Because as he actually told us in his VT, he loves nothing more than being a right cocky toe-sucker.
Now onto the other lads: And Girls, I’ve watched every romcom for years, so let me dish out some advice.
If he suggests you try “cracking on with other people” (Brad to Rachel), takes a week to give you a cuddle (Toby with Kaz), or announces a five-year plan that includes hardly anything about relationships (Liam to Faye), then there’s one truth which should be universally acknowledged:
He’s Just Not That Into You.
Blue-eyed labourer Brad’s pretty but also pretty-dumb if he’s thinks we believe he wants to build a future with Rachel. Kaz needs to locate her self respect because if Toby has to try that hard to “jump in” to their relationship, trust me, it’s better he stays on the sidelines. Hugo’s clearly friendzoned Chloe.
And Faye, well, the mini Katie Price clone, is fast becoming one of my faves for actually saying it how it is. Liam is catalogue-good-looking with a side serving of Essex Boy looks. So if you like that sort of thing, he’s hot.
But personality-wise? Well, he’s coming across cooler than a session in a cryotherapy chamber - and just as frosty.
So Love Island Powers-That-Be, that leaves us with events planner Aaron. He does in fact seem a nice guy, but definitely not for Department of Transport civil servant Sharon.
Why? Because she’s too “flashy” for him, he believes. This is because they’ve known each other ONE week and they’ve already having what Aaron calls their first ‘hiccup’: She wants a career and lime green Aston Martin.
He wants four kids.
Yep, it turns out Sharon’s worst nightmare is being stuck looking after offspring and doing “house labour” - which I assume is like a hard labour version of housework, and, to be honest, a far more appropriate term for endless days of domestic duties.
Let’s remember Aaron is the grand old age of, er, 24 and Sharon 25. And they’ve been coupled up since, um, Friday .
Let’s also remember this is 2021 not 1950. And now here’s what Aaron honestly and non-ironically said: “Sharon telling me she doesn’t want kids, or doesn’t like kids, at the moment is definitely a bit of a hiccup in our situation - we have to continue talking about it and working through it.
“I’m not sure she has time, in the real life, for a man.”
Sorry Aaron, I’d say the relationship’s facing less of a hiccup and more of a blunt force trauma to the head, with a few stab wounds to the jugular to boot.
So forget the two new blonde bombshell girls joining the villa, if we don’t get a whole bevvy of new, more compatible, more chivalrous, and more modern-thinking men soon, this series will be gloomier than a Christmas Day episode of EastEnders. Meanwhile, despite all boomers’ continual worries about the show corrupting our precious youth into wanton sex fiends, the raunchiest TV snog of the summer won’t be from Love Island at all....but the former Health Secretary’s CCTV.
And that is a stomach-churning state of affairs.
For more Love Island chat, join me and a special Islander guest, on Jess Saying Live, Fridays, facebook.com/DailyMirror
Catch up now with AJ and Curtis Pritchard chatting Island life and ex Maura Higgins’ new romance with Strictly friend Giovanni Pernice. See the video here: facebook.com/DailyMirror/videos
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