The auto-fill function on Google provides a brilliant glimpse into the human condition. For anyone in doubt as to whether algorithms have souls, consider that “how can you catch Ebola?” is followed by “how can you mend a broken heart?” A website, googlepoetics.com, collects the very best of these lists, the result being poetry as searing, baffling and insightful as anything written by Emily Dickinson (sort of).
As part of its annual review, Google has released a breakdown of the most popular “how to” terms entered into its search engine. Upon reading these, my first uncharitable thought was that people are hapless, impractical idiots. Then I remembered that I have recently Googled how to: change a light switch; bleed a radiator; fix a boiler; remove ink stains; make a Christmas wreath; and make a Christmas tree out of books. To be honest I could have worked all of those out – with the exception of my boiler – by myself, using common sense. But Googling things is a contemporary habit – a safety blanket for the computer-literate yet hopelessly unskilled. Which, let’s face it, is all of us now.
With this in mind, let’s examine some of the most popular searches, and see if we can help you out, you poor slaves to technology.
How to kiss
Really, people, really? Whether this reflects a classic teenage concern or a rise in older people anxious to brush up on their technique, I care not.
If you want to know how to kiss, get off the internet and find someone or something to practice on. In my day, we used the back of our hand. Although an actual (willing) person would be better. Incidentally, I looked at the first website this search suggests, just in case I was missing something. It says: “Get caught looking (briefly) at the other person’s lips.” Baffling. Also ripe for an embarrassing misunderstanding, should you have a bit of spinach stuck in your teeth.
How to meditate
“It may come as a surprise to learn that you can meditate anywhere and at any time,” proclaims one of the answers to this query. Not quite, pal, because last time I checked you couldn’t mediate and surf the web at the same time. This, along with “how to sleep”, is the epitome of looking for something in all the wrong places. Peace of mind, calmness, a profound sense of wellbeing … none of these can be found online, and there are no quick fixes. Put your computer away and go to a yoga class instead.
How to hypnotise
This takes the wellbeing trend into baffling and slightly sinister waters. Why would anyone want to hypnotise someone without an ulterior, cartoon villain-esque intention? I think, like how to mediate, this speaks of our desire for the quick fix. If we can’t get someone to do what we want, well, we’ll just hypnotise them! I was scathing of this until I had a look online and found out that, apparently, hypnotising a cat is much easier than hypnotising a person. I’m going to try it when I get home.
How to draw
Finally, something sensible and nice. What could be better than learning a delightful real-life skill? A close look, however, reveals that quite a lot of the online drawing tutorials are based on drawing a penis first and then making it into something else, like, a cat, and a nose. Erm … next!
How to crochet
If you think crocheting is a bit dull, think again. I predict that 2015 will be the year of crochet. You can crochet anything. Like a coral reef, as this project created to draw attention to ecological disaster shows.
I can’t actually crochet of course. You can’t learn it from the internet – you really need great aunt Ethel to show you.
How to squat
Finally, something active. Legions of women (and men, too, probably) are about to leap up from their chairs and start jiggling everything about in their quest for an arse of Kardashian-esque proportions.
Unless, of course, this is actually about how you squat in a property. The terms have been broken down geographically, and this is the number one term in Bristol, leading to one paper branding it “a city of lazy anarchists”. So there we go – faith in radical, crocheting Britain restored (maybe). Although you might still want to do something about that arse.
