Whether you are playing guest or host, spending a whole weekend with people can be difficult. This was recently reinforced by Azealia Banks, who took to Instagram to complain that staying at Elon Musk’s house was like being in the movie Get Out, after she found herself stranded “for days” waiting for Musk’s new girlfriend, Grimes, to show up for a musical collaboration.
People often name their dream dinner party guests, but choosing your most nightmarish weekend companions is much more satisfying. The only rule is you can’t have Donald Trump – he’s a given. For what it’s worth, here are my current Bottom Four:
Gwyneth Paltrow I am sure she’s really nice, and I’ll bet the sheets on her guest bed are amazing, but I don’t think I could cope with the look on her face when I came down in the morning, opened her cupboard and said: “What, no Shreddies?”
Vladimir Putin Quite apart from overseeing the world’s largest kleptocracy, he also strikes me as the sort of person who makes everyone do what he wants to do. “Oh, great. So I guess we’re all going fishing without shirts again.” Thanks, but no thanks.
Jacob Rees-Mogg We have all been on a Friday train with an overnight bag, quietly thinking: “Please don’t let there be any Brexiters there”, and this, I suppose, is the worst-case scenario. Also, you’d feel weird wearing shorts, even if it was 35 degrees. And he probably does the sudoku before anyone gets up.
Queen Elizabeth II It’s nothing personal, honestly. But you’d end up spending the weekend saying things like: “Don’t worry, I really do like dogs”, and “Yes, I adore killing stuff”, when really you’d be thinking: “It’s freezing in here!”
