The horror, the horror, the horror of modern dating. Just when you had a handle on the original digital nasty – ghosting, whereby someone stops texting you back and just disappears, like a ghost – and even accepted the second – zombie-ing, when said ghost returns from the dead, weeks later, possibly via WhatsApp – along comes an army of other homicidal maniacs to break your millennial hearts. Here are all the ways that modern romance is killing us.
King Konging The act of placing a partner on a pedestal (and/or the Empire State Building).
Gremlin-ing That person who calls you when they’re drunk, and/or after midnight.
Loch Ness Monstering Hankering after someone who doesn’t really exist.
Mummifying Playing out Oedipal issues in a relationship.
Anaconda-ing When you feel suffocated in a relationship, with no way out.
Triffiding Dating someone who never leaves their flat. (Although they’re starting to grow on you.)
Frankensteining The controlling partner who is trying to turn you into something you’re not.
Vampiring That guy who just keeps coming back for more.
Sharknado-ing Is this guy for real?!
Paranormal Activitying The partner who likes a camera in the bedroom.
Aliening When you date your French exchange but can’t really make sense of what they’re saying, but stick with it because they’re pretty fit.
Predatoring They vanish for no reason and reappear when you least expect.
Shining-ing They were never the same after that ski trip.
Jawsing Just when you thought it was safe to go back on Facebook ...
Walking Deading You know it’s over, yet you stumble on through.
Hanniballing A love so all-consuming that you feel like you’ve been eaten alive. Then spat out.
UFO-ing Was it all a dream?
Freddy Kruegering They were a bit handsy.
