Forty names, games, teams and minutiae making news in college football, where the state of Massachusetts is 1–21 at the FBS level and undefeated Harvard was just upset by Yale for the Ivy League title. First Quarter: Nothing in the CFP Is Settled. Second Quarter: A Defining Week for Lane Kiffin. Third Quarter: Rivalry Week Primer, Part I.
Fourth Quarter: Rivalry Week Primer, Part II
All We’ve Got Is Hate
Seven games matching largely disappointing teams that don’t have much at stake beyond the opportunity to gouge your rival in the eye.
Florida State–Florida (31)
Worst Seminoles-Gators game ever? It’s in the discussion. The last time the two teams met with a worse combined record than the current 8–14 was in 1973, when they were 6–14 (Florida State was 0–10, Florida was 6–4). By kickoff Saturday afternoon, Gators fans will presumably know where they stand with Lane Kiffin (the guess here is that they’re out). Noles fans already know they’re stuck with Mike Norvell and his slapstick punt return team into 2026. So, yeah, this could be an all-time surly crowd.
Line: Florida by 1½.
Dash pick: Florida State 19, Florida 16. Someone shield Steve Spurrier’s eyes from watching this.
Clemson–South Carolina (32)
The Palmetto Poverty Program Bowl is upon us. The Tigers began the season in the top five. The Gamecocks began it in the top 15. They’re now a combined 10–12. Ain’t nobody happy.
Line: South Carolina by 2 1/2.
Dash pick: South Carolina 28, Clemson 24. Never forget that the Tigers actually lost (badly) at home to a Syracuse team that is now 3–8 and has been routed seven times in a row. (Maybe Steve Angeli deserves the Heisman.)
UCLA-USC (33)
A traditional rivalry for two schools that hate tradition. UCLA wants to move out of the Rose Bowl and USC wants to stop playing Notre Dame anytime other than the first few weeks of the season. As if joining the Big Ten weren’t enough of an affront. At least they still have the uniforms.
Line: USC by 21½.
Dash pick: USC 47, UCLA 21. Remember that three-game Bruins winning streak in October? The one that helped get James Franklin fired? Yeah, good times.
Kentucky-Louisville (34)
There was a time, a few short weeks ago, when the Cardinals were in the thick of the College Football Playoff race. And there was a time, a few short years ago, when the Wildcats were considered a program on the rise in the SEC. Today? Well, it’s basketball season in the commonwealth.
Line: Louisville by 3½.
Dash pick: Kentucky 21, Louisville 20. The Cardinals have had a lot of key offensive performers not playing the last few games. The vibes are not good. Ending on a four-game losing streak would be really bad, but get ready for it.
North Carolina–NC State (35)
Jordon Hudson bounced out of an adult coed cheerleading competition with sufficient pep in her step to threaten (according to Instagram) journalist Pablo Torre with a lawsuit. As things continue to operate calmly and quietly in Bill Belichick’s life, the Wolfpack are hoping to unleash their extremely sneaky muffed punt offense again after it took down Florida State.
Line: NC State by 7½
Dash pick: NC State 23, North Carolina 12. We’re on to the offseason.
Wisconsin-Minnesota (36)
Badgers fans have amused themselves by storming the field after the last two Wisconsin home games, which were upset wins over Washington and Illinois. Those making the trip to Minneapolis will probably stay in their seats, since Wisconsin hasn’t won a road game since Oct. 19 last year. The Gophers are 6–0 at home this season.
Line: Minnesota by 1½.
Dash pick: Minnesota 27, Wisconsin 24. The Gophers have abdicated their Big Ten West lineage by both scoring and surrendering a lot of points this season, but let’s assume their defense will not be shredded by the fourth Badgers QB of the season, freshman Carter Smith.
Iowa-Nebraska (37)
The Hawkeyes, bless their Ferentzian souls, have not abandoned the Big Ten West ethos. They have returned four kicks for touchdowns, had a defensive score, blocked two kicks and never thrown for 200 yards against a non-Massachusetts opponent. Nebraska, meanwhile, saw its season splinter after the injury to quarterback Dylan Raiola. After not going on the road until Oct. 11, more was expected than 7–4.
Line: Iowa by 6½.
Dash pick: Iowa 18, Nebraska 9. The forecast in Lincoln, Neb., calls for a high of 34 and possible snow, which simply couldn’t be any more perfect. The Hawkeyes put the game away on a Kaden Wetjen punt return touchdown and a late safety.
Coach Who Earned His Comp Car This Week
Kyle Whittingham (38), Utah
He’s not a shootout kind of guy, and it had to kill part of his soul to surrender 472 rushing yards to Kansas State. But the Utes scored the final 16 points of the game in the last seven minutes to pull out a 51–47 comeback win over the Wildcats to keep faint playoff and Big 12 title hopes alive. If that was Whittingham’s last game in Rice-Eccles Stadium—you never know—he went out on a high (and high-scoring) note.
Coach Who Should Take the Bus to Work
Bret Bielema (39), Illinois
That preseason No. 12 ranking turned out to be what high expectations often have been for Bielema—an invitation to underperform. The Illini were 7–3 and could have put a decent bow on the season after losses to undefeated Indiana, undefeated Ohio State and perennial home powerhouse Washington. Then came the Saturday defeat at Wisconsin, Bielema’s former employer, by 17 points.
Point After
When thirsty in the beer nirvana of the Pacific Northwest, The Dash recommends a West Coast (of course) IPA from pFriem Family Brewers (40) in Oregon. Give it a try and thank The Dash later.
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This article was originally published on www.si.com as Forde-Yard Dash: Seven Rivalry Games With Only Hate and Low Stakes.
