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Folk have been bemoaning the destructive effects of financial inequality on the FA Cup for a while now, ever since Queen’s Park were forced to default their 1872 semi-final replay because they didn’t have enough cash left to stay in their hotel for another night in order to play the game. It’s been downhill ever since, and now we’ve just completed a third round with no shocks whatsoever. And no, suddenly noticing that Nasty Leeds are fun to watch these days because you’ve just caught them on telly after the One Show doesn’t count.
Perhaps the fourth round will serve up better fare, though The Fiver, who much prefers the Leasing.com Trophy these days because at least they’re up front about the age groups, very much doubts it. The standout tie of the draw is Watford or Tranmere Rovers v Wolverhampton Wanderers or Manchester United, and that’s only because it wraps around two lines in the list, even if you flip your tablet sideways. Your eye’s naturally drawn. Enjoy that while you can, because when the replays are decided it’ll fit back on to one, melding into the pack, and then there’ll be absolutely nothing to focus on at all. Perhaps the bit at the bottom about the ties being played over the weekend of 24-27 January? That might be in italics, too. Or a different font.
Concerned fans, as well as members of the punditocracy going through the motions, have for some time been wracking their brains to find a solution to the cup’s malaise. The Fiver, sniping from the sidelines and none too clever, has of course very little to contribute to the debate. Other than a vague idea to take the draw off live prime-time TV and stage it once again on a weekday lunchtime behind the firmly closed doors of a classical pile in the West End, to be conducted by two octogenarians fiddling around with a velvet bag, desperately trying to sit bolt upright, for if they lean forward, 75cl of vintage port will cascade from each nostril. As the gentle clack-clacking of balls is transmitted to a rapt nation on Radio 2 (MW), a small piece of the cup’s old-school enigmatic allure will be restored in a stroke. We can continue the slow rebuild from there.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It did not work for me. When it comes to the characters there is nothing remotely appealing, inspiring, likeable and more importantly … interesting [about them]. There is nothing interesting at all about this family. I have no sympathy for anyone in the entire family, I wasn’t waiting on the edge of my seat like some people were [for the next episode each week]. I could not give it a worse grade. I’ll give it a C-minus and that’s being benevolent and kind to what is, in my opinion, the most overrated show in television history” – Alexi Lalas gives his hot take on The Sopranos and, yes, it might be the worst opinion ever.
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FIVER LETTERS
“After the Three Wise Monkeys stance taken by the Stockley Park mob on proceedings in the Arsenal v Leeds FA Cup tie last night, can we expect Swedish VAR to conclude that the demise of the Zlatan statue in Malmo was self inflicted, perhaps a yellow card issued for simulation?” – Jacklin O’Riordan.
“The next decade isn’t here yet either as it starts on 01/01/2021, so Everton could not have lost to Birmingham as you state at the start of the decade in 1920. Just for clarification, 2BC, 1BC, no year 0, 1AD, 2AD, ...... 10AD etc. As a decade has 10 years, it must end in 0 not start with one (0 that is) and does start with a 1. Another antipodean clarification from the land of the flamin’ sheilaroos” – Geoff Abbott.
That photo of Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s vandalised statue in yesterday’s Fiver brought back to me the horrors of a broken ankle I sustained in October while playing the gentle game of Walking Football. However, that’s where any comparison between Zlatan’s body and mine comes to an abrupt end” – Ian Castle [or Temple? – Fiver Ed]
“Can I be the first of 1,057 public transport satirists to suggest that the 9,000km journey from Réunion to Niort undertaken by JS Saint-Pierroise for a cup tie probably involved less hassle than most Premier League games that get moved for television” – Ed Taylor.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Geoff Abbott.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Hoofing Antonio Conte aboard the good ship Do One cost Chelsea 26 million big ones. Meanwhile, 2016’s Danny Drinkwater has just coughed for the doctor and remarkably earned a loan move from Chelsea to Aston Villa. Good luck, Daniel!
Sunderland have given their miffed fans a late Christmas present by announcing that the club’s owner Stewart Donald will sling his hook just as soon as he finds a buyer.
Research into the link between football and dementia is to be intensified by a £1m study that tests former players for early signs of the disease.
Fulham have got a little hot under the roundneck and decided that Wolves loanee Ivan Cavaleiro is worth £15m!
Liverpool have announced a record £80m-a-year-deal for Nike to replace New Balance in producing overpriced red tat. “Nike reflects our ambitions for growth … we’d like to thank New Balance for their support,” blathered a club suit.
Pep Guardiola spoke for most of us when he said he would rather live in the Maldives than manage Manchester United.
And after being told by manager Daniel Stendel to train with the reserves until he finds a new club, it’s fair to say Hearts captain Christophe Berra is not having a classic honeymoon. “I just got married on Friday and then on Sunday I’m getting told I’m not involved any more,” he sniffed, picking confetti out of his hair.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
It’s your boy, David Squires (and you can buy your own copy of the cartoon right here).
STILL WANT MORE?
Inter leading, Ballotelli scoring and being racially abused. Nicky Bandini invites you to meet the new Serie A decade, which – ah – started same as the last Serie A decade.
Barney Ronay swoons at the thrilling football put before us by Marcelo Bielsa and Nasty Leeds at the Emirates, before Arsenal got to grips with it all.
Talking of the much maligned Cup, Paul MacInnes praises the refreshing impact of Sheffield Wednesday’s Osaze Urhoghide (and others).
PSG will win the title but below them there’s lots to play for. Adam White and Eric Devin tee up the second half of the Ligue Urrrrrrrrrrrrn season.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
