‘I’VE GOT MY TICKET FOR THE LONG WAY ROUND …’
It’s Big Cup quarter-final night, and Manchester United are in action. In the FA Cup. In a game most expect them to lose. And many of their supporters followers want them to lose. Their probable defeat at West Ham will be another excuse for the millions of multiple European Cup-winning managers on Twitter to blame a 64-year-old man for everything from the Panama Papers to Wayne Rooney’s curvaceousness to the travails of human sicknote-generator Phil Jones. Rooney and Jones could return on Wednesday night, and we might even see a beast-off between Andy Carroll and Marouane Fellaini. “We have to go to West Ham, play well and beat them,” said Jones, offering a money-back guarantee that they’d manage at least one out of three. “It has been a difficult season. There is no one more disappointed than the dressing-room,” he continued, as a despondent hack decided against trying to explain that a dressing-room is an inanimate object.
It’s a reflection of the confused priorities of modern football’s entitled elite that United’s motivation at Upton Park is not clear. Some fans don’t want them to win the FA Cup, because Louis van Gaal might stay. Others want them to win the competition, but only because it would guarantee a European place. Others don’t want a Big Vase campaign to distract José Mourinho next season. That leaves the 0.02% who would like them to win BECAUSE IT’S THE BLOODY FA CUP.
For West Ham, footloose and entitlement-free, it’s just another game they want to win in their best season for 30 years. Except it’s not, because it’s the last FA Cup game at Upton Park, which should increase their already stratospheric motivation to win. If they do, they will be favourites to win their first trophy since 1980. Rotund genius Dimitri Payet is the spiritual heir to Matthew Le Tissier, while Slaven Bilic is both effortlessly charming and effortlessly chilling, often in the same sentence. But for Leicester and Spurs, they would be the team of the season. Then there is Carroll, who has consumed nothing but raw steak juice and organic coconut water since August 2011 and is ready to do unto United as he did to Arsenal on Saturday. There has been much talk of Carroll being included in the England squad for Euro 2016; remarkably, there are some people who think it’s a bad idea to have the world’s best header of a ball manacled to the substitutes bench, ready to be released to harangue weary, elegant defenders for the last 20 minutes.
Talking of them continentals, we will find out later whether Manchester City will – like Chelsea in 2012 – be the also-rans in a Big Cup last four including Barcelona, Real Madrid and Bayern Munich. Real are already there, after He provided the 4323242309th reminder that he is the greatest footballer since Diego Maradona. Bayern, who won the first leg at home to Benfica 1-0, should do enough to ensure Pep Guardiola’s annual semi-final humiliation. That leaves the tie of the round, with Atlético Madrid trailing Barcelona 2-1 from the first leg. This is a match of contrasts: attack v defence, skill v steel, good v evil, Luis Enrique v Diego Simeone. All right-thinking football fans – those who really feel football and who care about its future – have a duty to support Atlético.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Barry Glendenning from 7pm for hot MBM coverage of West Ham 2-2 Manchester United (aet, 4-3 on pens) in their FA Cup quarter-final replay, while Scott Murray will be on hand for Atlético Madrid 1-0 Barcelona (agg: 2-2, Atlético win on away goals) and Paul Doyle will be handling Benfica 1-2 Bayern Munich (agg: 1-3).
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“There’s lots of young men ... that would give their right arm to [be Newcastle manager] – not literally, obviously, and I apologise if I’ve upset anybody with that comment” – Ray Wilkins, ladies and gentlemen. Ray Wilkins. (at 15min in the 20.30-21.00 link).
OUT ON A LIM
17 February: “I’m the head coach of Valencia, I will be the head coach of Valencia for the rest of this season. If I leave, Pako will leave. He’s come to be part of my coaching staff. I understand it might look like there’s something going on. There absolutely isn’t” – Gary Neville is pretty forthright about the fact Pako Ayestarán’s appointment as his Valencia No2 doesn’t undermine him one bit.
13 April: “Gary had also endorsed the appointment of his assistant manager Pako Ayestarán as his replacement” – the spokesman for Valencia owner Peter Lim undermines Gary Neville by at least one bit.
FIVER LETTERS
“Reading Jörg Michner’s letter regarding the pronunciation of Basel/Basle/Baaarl (yesterday’s Fiver letters), I was disappointed that the link that sprung to his mind was not this” – Duncan Roberts.
“Re: Alan Baxter’s query about up smiting (yesterday’s letters). The Dutch for ‘bouncer’ is ‘uitsmijter’, pronounced out-smiter so, if it’s an underground club … also a chucker out but rarely an up-chucker” – Bob Kennedy.
“I am sure I will be one of the statutory number of pedants who will point out ‘to smite’ simply means to hit, strike hard. To smite in and of itself does not imply any direction. As for smiting thee up(wards), Alan has clearly never seen a Jean-Claude Van Damme film … lucky him” – Stuart Robertson-Reed (and no one else among statutory number of pedants).
“I’m so sorry to read about Marten Allen’s health woes (yesterday’s letters). It may seem a little churlish but hasn’t he recently been warned about spending too much time in London pubs, eating too many chips, accompanied by too much ketchup, picking fights with strangers and the unscheduled listening to jazz?” – Tony Crawford.
“The other day my mum took me to the doctors and when I arrived I was pleased to see five of my mates there too. In fact, we pretty much had the run of the place except for a strange and unhealthy looking man who was sat in the corner. He wouldn’t stop staring and at one point he burst out laughing and got his phone out and started texting someone. All a bit creepy really and we were all pretty happy when the doctor came and called him in” – Gibby.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Tony Crawford.
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BITS AND BOBS
Rough news for Joleon Lescott’s phone: Aston Villa have scrapped their annual Player of the Year awards. “In the current circumstances, we are sure our supporters will understand,” sighed a club statement.
$exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver has once again been cruelly overlooked for the PFA Player of the Year gong. Here are the shortlists.
Unlike 99.9% of football fans who want to see Manchester City face Pep Guardiola’s Bayern just to see exactly where the V-neck sweater-model’s loyalties lie, Sergio Agüero says his side don’t care who they face in the Big Cup semis. “At this point, you cannot choose,” he parped.
The Nobel Prize committee has held an emergency meeting to discuss the awarding of an extraordinary award after He made an important breakthrough in genetics with a hat-trick in Real Madrid’s 3-0 Big Cup win over Wolfsburg. “Goals are in my DNA,” he revealed, as researchers set about re-examining the double helix.
Karim Benzema says he’ll put his trust in the France coach Didier Deschamps who is set to discuss whether he is selectable for Euro 2016 in the wake of the bongo blackmail affair. “The France team means a lot to me,” liberté, égalité, fraternitéd Benzema.
Daniel Sturridge says the return leg against Borussia Dortmund in Big Vase will be just like playing Fifa 2016 [underwhelming compared to past editions? – Fiver Ed]. “It’s like when you’re playing a final on Fifa and you’re playing against your mate. You’ve all put £20 in the middle and there’s £100,” parped the last of the high rollers.
And an investigation into alleged match-fixing in the Welsh Premier League has been launched by the FAW relating to Rhyl’s 5-0 win over Port Talbot.
STILL WANT MORE?
Barney Ronay on how Manchester City’s pop-up defence thwarted PSG in the round of PSG.
Bongo Christ and Jonny Moustache make a welcome reappearance lower down, as The Knowledge also investigates footballers who have never actually been to the country they have scored for.
The Leicester Effect used be a little known 60s skiffle band until this season. But is the team’s performance just a fluke, ponders Paul Wilson.
Manchester United’s FA Cup match against West Ham might be Louis van Gaal’s last chance to save his job, writes Paul Wilson again, and may be a last chance to see his magical merry-go-round o’ out of position players.
Win! Win! Win! We’ve home tickets to Newcastle v Swansea on Saturday up for grabs. Second prize, etc and so on.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
