BRENDAN R & RAHEEM
Oh Raheem. Raheem, Raheem, Raheem. Little Raheem. Poor Raheem. Poor little Raheem. Naive Raheem. Naive little Raheem. Poor little naïve Raheem. Little na …[Alright, knock it on the head – Fiver Ed]. Nobody likes a furore, especially if it’s a contract furore, and especially if it’s your own contract furore, so you can perhaps understand why Raheem Sterling wanted to calm things down regarding the current hullabaloo surrounding his own new deal. However, it turns out that by opening his mouth, Raheem has actually stirred this particular pan of spicy broth, causing it to bubble over further, rather than turning down the hob to prevent it spilling on to his nice new shirt.
“It’s not about the money at all,” honest guv-ed Sterling. “Never once in my life has it been about money. I talk about winning trophies throughout my career. I don’t talk about how many cars I’m going to drive or how many houses I’ve got.” Presumably one also shouldn’t be fooled by the rocks that he’s got, lest you forget that he’s still Jenny from the block. Sorry, Raheem – Raheem from the block. Always mixing those two up.
Sterling further endeared himself to the Liverpool support by noting: “If, at that point in time [this time last season], I was offered a contract, I most definitely would have signed straight away and probably for far less money than is being said now.” Which, of course, roughly translates as: “We were dead good back then, but now we’re not so good, so can anyone point me towards the ‘Do One’ door please?” Rather than putting out the fire with a cooling jet of perspective fluid, it turns out he mixed up the ‘Water’ and ‘Paraffin’ bottles, and instead turned a pleasantly crackling contractual fire into a blazing inferno. Who knew that people could get this worked up over something that is basically just admin?
Brendan Rodgers wasn’t having any of it, though. “If his ambition is trophies, that’s perfectly aligned with what we want,” he Brendaned. “This is Liverpool. It’s an honour for him to be here … Liverpool is one of the superpowers of world football. If it doesn’t want to sell it won’t sell.” The Fiver wasn’t there when Brendan was Brendaning, but we think he Brendaned that last bit with a straight face. For some reason the names Torres, Alonso, Suárez … Sessions, spring to mind. Not sure why. Must be just a coincidence. “I just want to focus on football,” continued Sterling, pointedly focusing on his contract rather than football. “And when it gets to the end of the season, assess my position as a 20-year-old player playing in the Premier League.” Of course, if only Raheem had actually just kept quiet (and kept quiet two days before a game against Arsenal, not instead saying he was ‘flattered’ at the suggestion that the Gunners were keen on him), then everything might have been OK.
So The Fiver is launching a campaign, and that campaign is called ‘Footballers: Stop Talking.’ Think about it. It’s beneficial for all concerned – for us, and for them. Inevitably in most cases when footballers talk, they don’t say anything particularly interesting, so those of us hanging on their every word just feel like we’ve completely wasted our time, and/or are bored. And when they do say something of mild interest, then they inevitably get themselves in trouble of some description. So pipe down. Shut up. Put a sock in it. Take a vow of silence. It’s for your own good, footballers. And, more importantly, ours too.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s an unfortunate attitude. [He] was hot-headed. We will not take action now, only after Easter. He is suspended until then” – Internacional president Vitorio Piffero responds after Fabricio got sent off for flipping a double bird at his own fans during the 1-0 win over Ypiranga.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Ukip’s stance that immigrants are bad for street football (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). I can’t speak for what life is like across the pond, but here in the USA! USA!! USA!!! immigrants are the only reason I can find a football game at all. And let me tell you, nothing makes you appreciate the keen value of multiculturalism like having a leggy Ghanaian fellow half your age nutmeg you for the third time. But don’t worry about me: I now know how ‘quit ball-watching, you useless numpty’ is shouted in three languages” – Scott Connolly.
“Ukip’s Patrick O’Flynn should learn that immigration and community organised pick-up football are not mutually exclusive. My local kickabout a few years ago included an Italian, a Brazilian, three Swedes, a Dane, a Ghanaian, a Nigerian, a Romanian, two Pakistanis, a Frenchman, a Lao, a Turk, a Russian, a handful of Scots and English. And, Mr O’Flynn will be pleased to know, Norn Iron’s own stand-up comedian Owen O’Neill, who only came a couple of times but was a pretty handy midfielder with a little pace and some effective and snappy distribution. Ukip’s campaign chief might want to bear in mind that some people make friends more easily than others” – Guy Campbell.
“In response to ‘real football fans hate international weeks. Discuss’, from Peter Collins (yesterday’s Fiver letters): Portugal 0-2 Cape Verde; Nemanja Matic’s wonder strike; the Gibraltar players’ celebration after their goal. International weeks are brilliant. They’re like a global FA Cup third round” – Conor O’Rourke.
“Real football fans support teams that don’t experience international breaks. Discuss” – Tom Fleuriot.
“OK, bait taken. Real football fans play until their body packs in (both knees) but in their mind they’ve still got it, many years after last kicking a ball. Support a team outside the Premier League (Bristol City) with just enough of an utterly unrealistic chance of ever making it into the big league to provide an invisible, yet unbreakable thread of hope. And, despite every reason to the contrary, cannot stop getting ridiculously carried away with the notion that, at some point in their lives, England will be ‘good at football’ based purely on one game or another where one player did something not rubbish (for once). Each of these things in increasing orders of pain, disillusionment and certain disappointment. International weeks remain an integral part of this tapestry” – Paul Gillis.
“I’ve no idea what a ‘real’ football fan is, as opposed to just a football fan. And I’ve no idea which of those clubs I belong to. But an exchange I had last night on the topic might shed a bit of light on things. Sticking up for some of the cracking ties at the weekend (Wales’ belter included) I said I’d ‘actually quite enjoyed this set of internationals.’ ‘Me too,’ my friend replied, ‘but I’ll be glad when the actual football’s back on.’ And I couldn’t help but nod in agreement” – Ben Jones.
“What’s the betting some sad Burnley fan will write in making fun of Marten Allen’s (yesterday’s letters) moving eulogy to Alan Shearer and his love of chicken and beans?” – John Myles.
“Just over a year ago Burnley won at Blackeye Rovers for the first time in 30 odd years. That game was halted by a Rovers fan throwing a live chicken on the pitch dressed in a miniature Blackeye kit. I thought it looked startled, but little wonder when all Marten Allen wanted to do was eat it with beans. Thankfully, in Venky’s, Marten has got perfect owners for him. Venky’s and Blackeye beans. Happy Easter, Marten” – Peter Toner.
“Over the past few weeks I have had a series of meetings with some pretty high-powered business types. This has led to me sitting around in various private members’ clubs in London (no, not that kind), waiting for them to turn up. On a couple of occasions, I’ve been so bored I’ve resorted to reading your email, which leads me to ask: where’s the sw@nkiest place anyone’s read The Fiver?” – Matt Emerson.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Peter Toner.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Super Kevin Phillips is the subject of this week’s Guardian Football meets … video series. You can watch it here.
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BITS AND BOBS
It’s been quiet at Nasty Leeds recently. Too quiet. Ah, that’s more like it: manager Neil Redfearn’s on the brink of leaving after the club suspended his No2 Steve Thompson. “I’ve got to have a real hard think,” he fumed. “Where before it was a no-brainer [to stay], I’ve got to have a think.”
Arsenal fortune teller Arsène Wenger wants to give Abou Diaby’s knack a new contract. “I had a chat with him and told him how I can envisage the future,” purred Mystic Ars. “It has to be linked a little bit with his presence.”
Everton boss Bobby M reckons the Goodison club is the only place where Ross Barkley is treated with balance. “We don’t get carried away when the extreme surroundings affect comments about his performances,” he cooed. “We are very much level-headed in that respect.”
What’s that you were saying in 2013, Bobby? “When I see Barkley, I see bits of [Michael] Ballack and bits of Gazza, [although] I can guarantee you that he is quite unique. He is someone that you can compare to any other nation … I mean the young Brazilians, Dutch and Spanish players. He has a gift and that talent. Ross is an incredible person, so mature and he has a real love for the game. I’ve never seen an English player with that sort of mentality and I have had the privilege to work with many youngsters who have been successful. We have to recognise a real English diamond.”
The Pope’s Newc O’Rangers have been forced to de-list from the stock exchange after failing to secure a new nominated advisor. Exciting stuff, eh? “There is no reason why de-listing should adversely impact on the value of the company’s shares or on the company’s financial condition or prospects,” claimed a club statement.
And another week, another team scoring while their idiot opponents are still celebrating. Not like it was a tournament-winning goal or anything. Oh.
STILL WANT MORE?
If you fancy testing your knowledge of old British football stadiums then this rather brilliant interactive photo quiz is for you.
Among bugged team buses and secret police, the Chicago Stings made a historic trip to Fidel Castro’s Cuba to play the national team in 1978. Michael Lewis recalls the story.
Much like the Ice Blast ride on Pleasure Beach, Blackpool are in freefall, on the verge of joining League One four years from their heady Match of the Day days. Fans are holding the Oyston family responsible, writes James Riach.
Ed Aarons relays the sad secret of late South African footballer Steve Mokone and his fight against apartheid.
Small Talk gets its chat on with England and Notts County goalkeeper Carly Telford about Big Cup, playing for England and posh bangers and mash.
Here’s another good interview, this time with Norwich boss Alex Neil, by Ewan Murray.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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WE’RE OFF TO CRAM EGGS INTO OUR FACES UNTIL TUESDAY. BACK THEN
