The incredible rags to riches story at Manchester United rolls on, with news emerging that the Old Trafford paupers, who showed such incredible strength of character, calm and togetherness when they had around two seconds of being rubbish earlier this year, have stumbled across a bit of cash and would like to spend £47m on Borussia Dortmund’s Mats Hummels. Aw, aren’t they just adorable? It makes you want to tap-dance all the way to work.
Harry Redknapp has been racking his brains for strikers that Queens Park Rangers can sign for his meeting with Tony Fernandes today, but can’t stop thinking about Peter Crouch and Jermain Defoe. It’s understandable, it’s like how the Mill can’t stop thinking of anything that’s not funny.
Ashley Cole’s agent presumably reckons it’s a disgrace that his client, who’s currently tearing it up at Roma – probably, we haven’t checked – is being linked with Crystal Palace. “It’s a disgrace,” Ashley Cole’s agent is presumably quoted as saying. The Palace Ultras won’t like this one bit.
Eden Hazard is going to sign a new deal that will make him Chelsea’s biggest earner. How nice for him.
André Villas-Boas says there’s no chance he’ll be heading to Liverpool or, in fact, that he’ll be working in the Premier League any time soon. That’s probably not the setback he thinks it is.
Also not heading to Liverpool: Xherdan Shaqiri. The Bayern Munich winger is set for Wolfsburg instead.
Southampton are done now, finished, old hat, yesterday’s news. Which makes them and Wesley Sneijder a match made in heaven. Ronald Koeman, who is basically finished as a manager now, wants to sign the Galatasaray schemer. He’ll have to hurry, though, the bulldozers will be circling St Mary’s soon.
And Radamel Falcao would like to stay at United when his loan spell from Monaco ends. Oh well, the Mill would like to write something funny before the year’s out, but that’s not happening either.
