Given the frequency with which his players to get injured, it is no surprise that Arsène Wenger is so keen on Shkodran Mustafi, who appears to have made a miraculous recovery following his brutal murder by Paul Pogba in the semi-final of Euro 2016 . “Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated,” he reportedly said on coming round, and Arsenal and Valencia remain in negotiations for his services. But a fee is yet to be agreed, mainly because canny Valencia have noticed a) Arsenal bragging about cash in the bank and b) that Per Mertesacker and Gabriel are injured. Meanwhile, canny the whole world apart from Wenger deduced his need for a centre-back several years ago; the deal is expected to be done some time before the transfer window gently closes.
Also seeking a centre-back are Manchester United. Shockingly, José Mourinho is not altogether enamoured with the suave sophistication of Phil Jones and Marcos Rojo, so would like to buy a replacement - but his his board have insisted that he must first bring in money via sales. In return, Mourinho informed them that he did not ask to be born before slamming the door and immediately offering Juan Mata a handshake, only to quickly withdraw and make long bacon at him instead.
Mata is one of those free to leave Old Trafford, but United are keen to recoup as much as possible of the £37.1m they paid for him. As such, they have discussed the possibility of selling him to themselves, but are more likely to see whether David Moyes fancies adding him to a bargainalicious joblot which also includes Antonio Valencia’s left foot, a vat of fresh air, and a cuddly replica of the Charity Shield. A more likely destination for Mata is Evertonians, who are eager to add another attacking midfielder to their squad. And, with the fast, strong, inconsistency of Yannick Bolasie likely to arrive from Crystal Palace, Ronald Koeman has turned his attention to the slow, weak inconsistency of Mata.
Across Manchester, Pep Guardiola is unfathomably unconvinced by Joe Hart’s gurning and shouting, oddly prioritising a goalkeeper good at keeping in goal. In particular, he would like someone more comfortable on the ball, and with Claudio Bravo likely to keep his place at Barcelona, that man is likely to be Marc-André ter Stegen.
Elsewhere, the chase for Christian Benteke is hotting up with West Bromwich Albion joining Crystal Palace as an interested party. The problem is that Liverpool would like back the £32.5m they paid for him last summer and no one is prepared to refund it to them; on the plus side, their statutory rights remain unaffected.
And finally for today, Chelsea want to buy João Mário. Ever helpful, Kia Joorabchian has delivered their £39m offer to Sporting Lisbon, along with one from Internazionale which also included £4m in bonuses. Sporting are inclined to sell to Chelsea as they will pay more of the fee upfront, though Liverpool have not given up hope of buying the player, taking advantage of his desperation to earn less money living in a less renowned city; they may also include Mario Balotelli as part of the deal!
